I came across Breaking Free online. The cover said: “A young pregnant woman escaping abuse trying to break free from her past… Navy SEAL protector… learning to love again. I got interested in the story.
As soon as I opened it, I felt as though I was Katie. I could sense the cold of her small apartment, the pressure of her fright and the pain in her chest when she first felt the realization that she was pregnant. Courtney O'Reilly is not a time waster. She portrays Katie's pain from page 1. When her violent ex, Jacob, bursts in with fire in his eyes, you can feel it. Your heart is beating in the ribs. Her lips are quivering. You are breathless as you wait to see whether she manages to get away or not.
That first day I read late at night. When I got to Chapter 5, by the time she slapped him, I was all teary. It was the violence, but it was also the betrayal, the proximity of danger, the bitter, tangy flavor of survival. I became afraid because of Katie.
Then there is Kaleb the navy SEAL who intervenes. I believed that he was a superhero in the beginning. The one who comes and rescues the situation. Courtney gives him depth. Kaleb is not shadow-proof. His dead wife continues to haunt him. His hands are soft--though in his skin The shocks of loss are still. When he encounters Katie, he does not only see that she is scared. He notices her power.
It was as though two hurt birds first learning to sing again were courting. I could sense the buzz of attraction as Kaleb clears the hair on the cheek of Katie. I could taste the sweetness in her voice as she smiled for the first time after months. They cure each other- bit by bit, carefully, and beautifully.
I found the transformation of Katie the most amazing thing. She begins to speak out. Setting boundaries.
There was an episode that made me put the book aside for a few minutes. Katie, left alone in her kitchen, was compelled to cook for her baby. The sink had warm water. The vegetables were sliced cleanly by the knife. And in that instant she said not to any one to herself: I deserve this. I am entitled to peace.”
Now I understand Breaking Free is not all romance. It is a narrative of taking everything taken away by fear. Abuse. Shame. Loss. And thank God it is a book about how powerful we can be when we finally have decided that it is our time to heal.
The love of Katie and Kaleb is not firecracker love. It is the silent exchange of cups of coffee in the dark. The uncertain feel of hands. The gentle phrases in the small hours. The way Kaleb takes Katie and her baby in his arms, I was also so warm that I stopped and shut my eyes.
The tread of the baby in the belly... the silence of the automobile at night... The breath of Katie when she says thank you because of a kind word. This is not much, but it was all. The sensational descriptions made me get into the skin of Katie. I could feel the cold wind through her porch. Touch the coarse cloth of the Kaleb shirt. Listen to the squeak of his motorbike as they ride together. These episodes anchored me into their travels.
Having read the book, I was sitting on the couch with the final line still ringing in my head.
The story of Katie is not my story. I have not found myself in her shoes. But her boldness rose. This is all to say. That was a blow: to love again in spite of all.
I wondered what my walls were like. How many times I have kept my mouth shut to avoid trouble. How many times have I allowed shame to hit me. And I discovered: that is what I needed in the book. A reminder that we are able to break our chains. That we can rewrite our histories.
I felt the desire to be bolder after reading Katie's story. In order to be able to feel more. To give my own heart an opportunity even though I may feel vulnerable.
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