Are you offended?
You should be. Or at least, that seems to be how you are supposed to feel these days if you follow what people say on tv. The mainstream narrative in English language cultural outlets is showing us so many things to be offended by. Social media is full of idiots saying idiotic things. History is, after all full of injustice. But anyone with a keen eye knows that television and social media companies care less about you and more about getting your attention and your dollars.
I am not here to tell you that -isms or -phobia's or unfair stereotypes don't exist. I am not saying they are ok. I won't claim that things are fair, and that some countries or people haven't gotten the short end of the stick. Chances are you've noticed. You may even have a whole lot of opinions about it. They are probably valid. You are probably right.
I won't even tell you it's wrong to complain or lash out. I wouldn't even argue. It is, however, counter-productive.
The way to end racism and sexism and any other kind of -ism is to be LESS offended, not more.
It doesn't matter how right you are or how wrong the other side is.
Easily offended people creates a high barrier of entry for understanding. The more offended we get, the more we fear we hold, the more we look for enemies, the harder it becomes to understand each other. As bad as the other side is, they will likely get worse when you become offended.
Chances are, there are certain points that you agree on, and perhaps the semantics are getting in the way. Perhaps they just don't like being accused of something, and once they learned to see you as a human, it will be much easier to make your points.
Most of us want a world where anyone can achieve the life of their dreams, regardless of what they came from. But we often disagree about how to get there, and feel others are making the whole thing harder.
I'm speaking to the political left and the political right here. I'm speaking to all races and genders and sexual orientations.
We all need tougher skin and softer hearts
People are ignorant. Yes. You are right. But...we won’t educate them by telling them how ignorant they are.
We can’t assume ourselves to be free from ignorance either and so it's best if we give others the benefit of the doubt as much as possible.
If we can let things go a little easier and just learn to make clear boundaries and ignore the things that really make us uncomfortable we can begin to reach each other.
You can’t reach everyone either.
That’s ok though. You can let them be. Let others help them understand the world a little better, and then from there perhaps their children can understand your children. Let others serve as a bridge for those who are too uncomfortable or different from you.
One thing I am personally so incredibly grateful for is the diversity I grew up in. There was no color skin or common ideology that I wasn’t exposed to. I saw very clearly, first, that all races and cultures have more than a few jackasses. I also managed to find good friends from very diverse backgrounds, Polish to Indian to Puerto Rican to Turkish.
Just because I grew up with these people didn’t mean I was immune to stereotypes holding though. I had a bunch growing up. There are patterns that exist and sometimes cultural practices history lead to certain behaviors that can be the basis of stereotypes. Luckily, because I fit few stereotypes myself, I was always on the look-out for aliens like myself, and I found a few. From there I learned to look at people as individuals, and found connections that went far deeper than shared backgrounds. We could create shared futures that we wanted to build.
It’s not as if I carry no stereotypes though. I don’t even think stereotypes are a bad thing. They help simplify things when the data is just too varied to make any conclusions from. But I learned never to treat anyone as a representative of their race, country or religion, unless they themselves acted as one by readily confirming to those stereotypes. I never assume that someone is going to behave a certain way or hold a certain opinion unless they've sufficiently shown me that they fit into that box. I also won't condemn it just because it's uncomfortable and if there is any way to maintain a friendly relationship, I'll do my best. We may not become close friends if our views don't align, but at least we can learn from each other and develop ourselves through our interactions.
Getting away from race and things like that for a second to make a point, because I think we often discriminate based on political or economic beliefs as well, or even hobbies and interests.
A simple example would be the typical American sports fan. I don't get it, I don't particularly like it. I can't relate at all. If I'm speaking entirely honestly, I think my stereotype of them is rather absurd, and not the kind of person I'd like to talk to. I find it all so overly aggressive, and unpractical, and sometimes even a method of escaping their own problems or just an excuse to get wasted and shout.
That doesn't mean I can't have a friend who is into sports though, in fact I have a few! Some are even close friends.
Another example is people who lean a certain way politically. I disagree with so many things they say, but I don't need to lecture them. If they are interested in how I feel I will tell them. Some might even be called racist for being strong proponents on tougher immigration. They may think their ideas are totally non-racist, and sometimes they are not. Or sometimes they are. I won't usually tell them they are wrong. I'll try to lead by example, tell them stories of my friends who do not fit their stereotypes, tell them how the things they think are bad may not be bad, but these are all done anecdotally. I am never trying to make them feel like they are wrong.
The fact is, most issues are very nuanced. Not everything has two distinct sides. Others want us to form two distinct sides thought because it's easier to control the opinions of two sides than 100 sides.
I can be pro-science, vaccine-indifferent and anti-pharmaceutical for example. People are complex creatures, and to put everything in a box only makes sense when people invite others to put them in a box. "I'm an AMERICAN！". OK, Box for you. lol
I see you first, whatever it is you are presenting to me.
I am lucky enough to have met so many people from so many places and to have pleasant interactions, and a really inquisitive nature, and so I understand a lot of what I see because I have the context.
I know for example that people who speak in Pidgin do not speak BAD English. They speak a dialect of English which is not commonly known outside of their country. Some people don't know that because they haven't been exposed to that in a setting that they feel safe in.
I understand that not all Christians believe I am going to hell just because they are Christian.
I understand that some cultures that are considered "rude", are really just more laid-back about certain things and that once you get used to it their way, you may feel totally opposite about it, or that certain behaviors like spitting on the floor in a certain country are only characteristic of a certain generation and a came about as a result of a complicated form of political oppression that led to lower levels of cleanliness and social responsibility.
I recognize that no country is a monolith.
There are many who don’t understand most of what they see from other cultures, and for those people it is easy to judge others and to think that they could never understand these people. They end up condemning.
Judgements themselves are not bad, they are merely a preference...but when judgements and stereotypes become condemnation, it's always messy. Blanket statements about one group of people show such simplistic understanding that it can be destructive. Judgements are best expressed softly and specific to behavior, not to the people in general. You can dislike one aspect of a culture without condemning its people.
I dislike many Japanese people's hesitance of close personal relationships, for example. It doesn't mean I look down on them, and I do my best to understand it, while simultaneously trying to share the joy of closer more intimate friendships with anyone who seems open to it. I don't push people who are not interested, and I say things like "I don't really love..." or "I think it's difficult for me, and even for some locals..." I don't say "I hate..." or call it "BAD", at least not with anyone who might take offense to that.
**If we can get rid of this feeling of awkwardness, we can begin to see each other as brothers and sisters instead of separate groups. It doesn't require sacrificing your own culture, all it requires is thicker skin and softer hearts.
I am putting together a list of guidelines for getting rid of that awkwardness around race, cultural differences, income gaps, value systems, gender, sexuality, and world views.
I will share it in my next post, but please tell me how you feel about everything I've said so far. This was very challenging to write because I know my audience is a mix of many different cultures and experiences and I wanted to make it relevant for Africans and South Americans as well as people from the USA Australia and UK or Europe and Asia. I want to build with all of you, and I think killing this awkwardness is really important to make it as awesome as possible.
I would love to hear your experience or feelings about these things. Please do not feel discouraged from being as honest as possible. I will do my best to understand anything you may think may be a blind spot. Please be kind :-P
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