I've fallen into a strange place, sort of Alice In Wonderlandy, where the Self that I am is completely at odds with the environments I find myself existing within. Many days I have NO IDEA how to actually go forward.
I wander round in relative isolation. Thailand is in an extended closure phase due to 20,000+ "New covid cases" per day. Yes, please notice the quotation marks to denote skepticism. My intellectually invigorating travelling friends have all mostly run "home" with their tails between their legs, in search of safety, families, vaccinations, government handouts and an easier ride. My passport country is no longer accepting the likes of me even for a visit, if indeed I even wanted to or could afford the $8,400 price tag for the occasional one way flight Bangkok to Perth and the $3,000 for quarantine. Each way.
I have made blog post schedules no less than 6 times in the last weeks of my blogging silence. Every single day of this last week I prioritized writing a blog post, and every single day this last week I baulked at the jump. Like a nervous race horse no longer sure she's in the right race.
I'm definitely NOT short of topics that feel important to me, and worth writing about. Its just I've started doubting my relevance to most of the world about me, which seems to exist right now on a whole other plane of reality.
I feel somewhat marooned. Disconnected.
And so yesterday I tried to (finally!) reason through my hesitation to get back into my hive blog. It's no about the crypto price whatsoever. Nor is it about the political censorship we face here in Thailand. I hover at the edges of entrepreneurial emotional burnout, but my therapist-counsellor assures me I am not clinically depressed. She says I'm just rationally, normally down, as I work through being a solo mom and entrepreneur in a country without any family or social-financial supports.
If I have one response to the BIG question of why people leave Hive (beyond the obvious one of not making a million in their first minute), it would be about a lack of real connection. Honestly, I struggle to relate to an opportunist avatar. I do share some level of physical connection (even if it was decades ago) with most of the people in my facebook world. They know what I look like physically, and some of them remind and refresh me with stories of past connection that give me somewhat of a lifeline. But I've only ever physically met two or three Hivers, and none of them check in; only one remains active that I'm aware of. Despite having been a Hive curator for years, a daily blogger, a creator of contests and challengers and a seriously involved Hiver, no one AT ALL has reached out to me during the last months of my silence. To see if I'm OK or even alive.
I'm back here today, speaking my little piece on this blockchain, thanks to only two people whom I see continuing to share their Hive journey - publicly - on "regular" social media: 
So no more muttering about the house, speaking my blog ideas to the cat and never getting past that. Updating my list of blog topics and getting busy reconnecting to my voice.
The world that emerges after this contrived Covid nonsense will be a vastly different one. I am resolved to bravely be a part of that, and to reach out and connect on Hive even when months of waiting haven't led to anyone reaching towards me. I guess that's what it means sometimes to be a leader and a way-shower. I KNOW the world needs an uncensored blockchain community, and I remain committed to that ideal.
Kudos and gratitude to Katie and Sam for continuing to be real and sharing their Hiving selves where people lost in the social media mists can still see them. Appreciating you both more than I can say.
Pondering how to be more connected to others, cos I'm sure I'm not alone.
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