My attitude towards mental health and mental illnesses when I was a teenager
I first came into contact with mental health issues when I was a teenager and my mother was acting strangely. We had just lost my grandmother and this was too much for her to deal with, I saw her acting stranger and stranger and nobody in my family would listen to me as I was probably just overreacting. But, I wasn't. I've seen some pretty strange things in the next years to come when she went in and out of psychosis and eventually was diagnosed with bipolarity. She tried to take her life several times and I felt myself slipping away from her further and further because I slowly started to see her as a person to take care of rather than the mother that should take care of her daughter (me). We didn't have the best relationship anyway, and at that time I already started to be a rebellious teenager, which obviously didn't help with her mental state of mind.
At the time, I had no support system
My boyfriend wanted to stay far away from our home when my mother started acting strangely in her episodes, while he was more at home at our place in the previous years. He couldn't deal with this, looking back, I can see why. His mother had a serious alcohol problem which was probably the reason why he couldn't deal with another unstable situation like mine. So what happened is, we broke up, and soon I found another boyfriend who lived at home still, and his parents took me under their wings as if I was their own.
I'm still thankful for that, especially as they opened my eyes and showed me that I was going to break mentally if I wouldn't make clear that I was the child here, and shouldn't carry the weight that my mother tried to let me carry. Not sure if that makes sense writing it down, but I could either continue having this (at the time) toxic relationship with her and lose myself along the way, or I could stand up for myself and set boundaries. I couldn't take more than what already happened. My personal and work-life was suffering because of her behavior, I had already lost one job because of her demands I was too young to cope with it and so I told her that I wouldn't visit her in the mental hospital anymore.
This honestly changed her attitude completely!
It opened her eyes and she started changing her attitude of demanding things that were totally unreasonable to ask and expect from a teenager. But I have to admit, it already had left huge scars and our already not so great relationship mostly went downhill by the time this decision was made. I slowly started to see that she was very ill and I could not blame it all on her. But it's hard to process these unusual things happening as a teenager.
I remember feeling lost and alone a lot even though I could go back home to my boyfriend's parents. Our bond never really recovered from that phase, I mean, after several years I could still only see a fragile human being and never again the strong woman she was when I grew up. I used to look at her as the cool and hot mom who actually looked like my sister.
Over the next years, I'd learn how it feels to be depressed myself
Life had thrown hardships at me at a quick pace and I felt myself getting depressed. I remember that, especially the first few times it happened, I was afraid that I would turn out like my mom. Ending up in a mental health hospital and get diagnosed with a bunch of things, forever trying to find the right combination/doses of medication. I've seen her turn into a non-empathic person with a lost look in her eyes many many periods of her life, I don't think it has ever returned to how she was. I was so scared that I'd end up that way as it was probably in our genes. That's also probably the main reason that I was afraid to speak up about it at the time, I thought that if I'd so so, people would instantly think I'm crazy and I'd have that label forever.
The difference between her and me
I have been alone in my grief for years, as was she. But what has made me strong enough to overcome the fact that depressions weren't taking over my complete life is the fact that I still had people that stood by me, and that I still felt that it was worth fighting for to get out of that state of mind. She seemed to have given up that a long time ago. I know now that it makes a HUGE difference if you have a partner that stands by you and that will try to lift you up when you're down. And also just sometimes let you spit whatever needs to be said to move past the feeling.
We have been in some explosive fights together several years ago when we were both not strong enough to deal with our emotions at times, but that after that, we both grew so much! I can honestly say that sometimes it feels as if he knows me better than I know myself, in the sense of him recognizing what's exactly bothering me (rather than what I've been saying that's bothering me to begin with). It's not that I'm not honest, but it often takes a few hours before I realize why I feel the way I feel, where he long knew what the real issue was. He mostly lets me find out myself though.
Today I'm not afraid to talk about it
Where in the past, I felt ashamed. It's not a taboo for me anymore, and by talking about it, I also hope the taboo disappears for those that are feeling ashamed. Another thing I've learned is, that how depressed you may be (or other mental health issues), there's still ALWAYS something you can do yourself to improve the current state of mind. It can be something very small or a huge change in your daily life, but I've learned in many different situations that doing nothing and hoping for a pill to fix things isn't going to do the trick. You can ask yourself are you eating healthy enough? Are you taking vitamins or getting enough fresh air? Go for a walk every day (if there are no restrictions to do so). Meditate, even if you think (like I did in the past) that it's not for you, give it a try, I promise you will benefit from it when you give it a real try!
I know that sometimes some people may be too far off track that they need some sort of meds first before they can work on themselves, but in many cases, we tend to stick in our victim role of feeling so bad and we should break that cycle ourselves. With this, I don't want to insult anyone and I would never want to dismiss that you have good reasons to feel the way you do, I only want to shine a light for your that there's truly always something that you can do to break the cycle to make a change (even if it's a small one!).
Always remember that this too shall pass and there's a better day ahead for you as well.
Have your thoughts about mental health changed over the years as well?
If you want to leave a comment, please do!
This was my contribution to the @abundance.tribe bi-weekly question!