Monaco And Meeting My Mother

09. - 12. 12. 2019.

Faster, better, more, build bigger, dig deeper, tear it down, cut it down, pour the concrete, work, money, nothing but money, hoard it, be obedient...

Introduction - Morning In Monaco

I woke up in Damir's spacious room on a comfortable bed. I slept well and felt rested. I was eager to finally see the famous Monaco that I have been hearing about all my life, especially since Opatija is always compared to Monaco and Monte Carlo. If I remember correctly, Damir and my mother have been awake for some time. I think that my mother was already being pushy with having coffee even though I’m not exactly a coffee drinker, especially not in the morning. I prefer waking up with a splash of cold water on my face, tasting the foamy menthol in my mouth and feeling the toothbrush bristles scraping my teeth. Then, opening the windows, doing some breathing exercises, usually followed by yoga. However, I decided to go with the flow so I made an exception to my morning habits and joined my mother for coffee and breakfast...

Wow! Isn’t Monaco amazing? All hail the new gods: the God of Concrete and the God of Capitalism.

My Stay In Monaco

I spent most of the day with my mother. We visited the old town, the harbor, the park ... I really enjoyed walking and sightseeing the micro-state, but as soon as I relaxed and tried to talk to my mother as equals, the way I talk to my friends, filled with enthusiasm and optimism, overjoyed that I am finally living the life of my dreams, she brought me down trying to transfer her fears to me.
“How are you going to drive so far away? You are broke! It's a big world out there! You are crazy! Look at other people - no one does that kind of thing! Morocco is a dangerous country! What if your car breaks down? ”

"How are you going to drive so far away?" - As I usually do.

"You are broke!" Even if I am, so what ?!

"It's a big world out there!" - Yes, it is. The same one I've lived in my whole life.

"You are crazy!" - And who is actually "normal"?

"Look at other people - no one does that kind of thing!" - That's right. I'm the only one to ever attempt at such a feat.

"Morocco is a dangerous country!" - How would you know if you've never been there?

"What if your car breaks down?" "Well, I'll fix it like I would fix it any other time."

However, Monaco has its upside: the majority of the roofs on buildings and houses are green. The most beautiful roof I saw was the one with the olive grove - wonderful!

As I tried to talk to my mother like I would to my best friend, she constantly tried to subdue me with her fears, treating me like her baby boy and persuading me to give up on my trip and return home. With each of her remarks, pain grew in my heart and spread to my throat, jaw, and eventually to the whole head. My throat hurt the most. Her lack of faith hurt me. Although I had done similar endeavors so far and always returned home safe and sound, she still didn’t believe in me, she didn't have faith in my abilities and in my project. That hurt me the most. I remembered similar incidents from my childhood where her fears controlled both me and herself and I learned to mirror them, so at a later age I had to face them on my own in order to become free again.

However, perhaps all these processes of growing up and being brought up, these struggles, the attachments and impermanence, just made me the person I am now - strong and courageous - but I believe this could have been achieved in other, less painful ways! And so I found myself crying on the terrace of a cafe in Monaco in front of my mother because of our relationship. I - a 33 year old man – was crying!

After that I could no longer return to that fluttering and upbeat vibe where I am chatting to my mother about my views and standpoints, plans and intentions, enthusiastic and optimistic. Carrying a painful weight in my throat and back, I withdrew into myself and didn't express myself anymore. I was mostly silent. She apologized. She even promised that she would do her best to work on herself and become a better person, but to me, her apology and the promise she made at that moment meant absolutely nothing. She killed me! She killed every glimmer of hope and buried my enthusiastic, optimistic mood.

Traditional wooden sailing boats always find a special place in my sight!

Departure

I woke up in the morning and felt a little better. I was trying to fix my condition from the inside. I consciously banished my negative thoughts and emotions and tried to re-establish that friendly relationship with my mother that I kept wishing for. I also managed to notice in her speech, demeanor, and gestures, that she was keeping her fears to herself and struggled with the dilemma of whether to strike again with an arsenal of reasons as why it would be smarter to return home and with the obsessive-possessive bombs she called love, to shake my intentions and dissuade me from my insane, irrational ideas. Finally, she couldn't hold it any longer, so she started firing: "Don't do this, don't do that, watch out for this, watch out for that ... !!!" I couldn't hold my peace anymore either! I went completely insane and lost my self-control. My gestures and the words I uttered exceeded any taste. The pain intensified as did the nervousness. I could hardly wait to leave and break that invisible umbilical cord with which she was trying to bind me to stay forever her little boy who would hide under her dress and stick to the safety of mother’s lap.

So we didn't part in the nicest of ways. And I certainly did not imagine my visit and stay to turn out like this. I imagined I would gather a little strength after so many miles and hours of driving. That I would rest and then continue with more ease and boldness, further to France. And that we would celebrate my expedition together. But, unfortunately, everything I wished for, and had imagined, has failed. I arrived with extremely positive emotions, even though I lost my mind driving through Liguria, I was looking forward to seeing her,hoping to share and deepen those positive emotions. I left, with a crouching posture and a heavy burden of sadness, anger and guilt as if I were doing something terribly bad, completely disappointed in myself, feeling inferior. Like a complete wretch and a total loser.

My Mom is still the best Mom ever!

However, it wasn't all bad! She fed and housed me and supplied me with a bunch of nuts and chocolate, all organically produced. She also wanted to stock me up on cheese, although I answered her repetitive questions about whether I wanted it or not for at least three times. Before leaving, I had to take the cheese out of the package and put it back in the kitchen. It also annoyed me because sometimes I like to take a break from cheese even though I really like to eat it. It annoyed me that she couldn't accept no as an answer, as if yet again, she knew what was best for me, and I didn't understand why she asked me if I wanted it or not in the first place, for three times even, if she would still put the cheese in my package no matter what I answered. Also, although I told her several times that I had enough money to travel, she snuck some money in my baggage.

She killed me. I was more exhausted after those 2 days than I got tired of driving for 15 hours straight from Venice via Genoa to Monaco. I was shaking and my heart was pounding. The pain in my body reappeared. I drove all tense and angry, tired and completely fucked up. She sucked all my energy, no, I let her suck my energy because I gave her my trust and opened my soul.

About Love And Possessive Obsession

Generally speaking, most women can't accept no for an answer! This weight of accepting no for an answer seems to be deeply rooted in the female gender and is probably already ingrained in the genes! I will demonstrate this on a very simple example from my own experience. For example, if I go for a night out and meet an interesting and beautiful girl with whom I would like something more, but she rejects me, it doesn't bother me at all because it's also accepting rejection is evolutionarily engraved in the male gender, because of countless fuck-offs taken by men through thousands of years of human existence.

Also, releasing a child to finding its own path in the world, which is why he came to this world, is harder for women than for men. The phrase „my son” or „my child” is the epitome of possessiveness that is also etched in the female gender more than in the male. The female gender often justifies this possessiveness with maternal love, ie with the abuse of maternal love, or as follows: “I carried you in my womb for 9 months, and then I cradled you in my arms for so many years! I birthed you in pain for hours! ”

WHAT IS THE LINE BETWEEN LOVE AND POSSESSIVE OBSESSION?

CAN YOU LOVE WITHOUT BEING POSSESSIVE?

WHAT ABOUT THE CHILD? WHAT PAIN MUST THE CHILD HAVE FELT DURING ITS OWN BIRTH - HAS ANY MOTHER EVER ASKED ABOUT IT, WERE THEY EVEN AWARE OF IT?!

I have experienced a similar thing with my girlfriends, lovers, and life partners, who tried to possess and appropriate me, with the intervening of jealousy along with possessive obsession. I am like the wind, and the wind cannot be bound. The more you try to capture me, the more I fight to break free. Freedom has no price! And love is freedom, like I wrote in a poem, back in the now already distant 2013:

Love Is Freedom

...Free, like a seagullI rise high and I fall low,

My skill rules my skies.

From the Earth to celestial stars

I can hear their sweet voices,

calling from their nests,

Like Odysseus' sirens.

Inebriating songs, like Cupid's arrows,

they pierce my heart, they madden my mind.

I dive in and out at the speed of lust.

I nest in balming bosoms,

smooth thighs squeeze and caress me.

As the night waned, awakened by the Sun,

I am torn by desire, frenzied by freedom!

The bed is soft and the window is open,

Beside me, a ravishing siren.

I rub my eyes, I spread my wings,

My mermaid awakens.

Merely a moment before she sings,

I wave my wings and think:

"Nothing matters to me anymore!"

The picture fades behind me

as my heart treasures the memory.

through my feathers, air flows

Through the skies, a rainbow.

What is bigger, i don't know

Than this freedom and all this joy?!

Jonathan on a submarine

Jonathan begging for food.

Some of the old, but still practiced and valid religious-philosophical teachings say that nothing in this dimension belongs to us, not even our own physical body. How then can another body-soul-being belong to someone ?! I learned this as well from a practical example from my own life and one practical book that explained the relationship between a man and a woman. During that period of my life, I fell in love with a wonderful Russian woman, and many said that she was cheating on me, which tore me apart, but that's when I came across this book - Loving with Open Eyes, by Jorge Bucay. It helped me realize that in true love I fully accept the loved one as she is, no matter what she did, and what she does is entirely her thing, not mine! I definitely recommend it!

So I loved my favorite Russian - Marina - no matter what she did, and she was wonderful! She is still wonderful and I still love her even though I haven’t seen her in 8 years!

Conclusion (Or A Few Of Them)

You can’t own people! You can't own your child, your sister, your brother, your wife, your lover! Nor can you own the Earth, the Water, or Air...! You can't own material possessions either! All of this is given to you to use while you are here. Passing by. Don't tie yourself to anyone or anything because everything is temporary and you will lose everything someday! Even your own body!

Change is the only constant - when you realize this supreme absurdity of this material dimension, it will be easier for you to live!

Don't act out of fear! Stop and breathe! Take a deep breath and exhale slowly! Act only when you calm down completely, only then and not before!