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It's crazy how love does not take excuse or permission from someone before obtaining space in one's heart. It's comes as a normal likeness but without notice. it just change drastically from the little space it's acquired to the whole of one's heart. He was just a friend but somehow what I felt is now more than a friend, his words,his look,and his smile all now mean more than a friend to me but I didn't tell him, I never did.
Will I say I was scared? I think I was, I was scared of ruining our friendship,what if he distance himself after opening up to him about my feelings? What if it ends our friendship? Those are what I thought of that made me keep my feelings to myself. So, instead of opening up ,I took him as my bestie, he would pour out his mind even that girl he fell for and I pretended to like his decisions.
He would talk about this girl, how his love has grown for her, I would be there faking my smile , pretending I'm not hurt with those words,it was breaking my heart but I kept on pretending like everywhere is good. I even gave him the courage to go confess his feelings ,still gave him strategies to use like I was happy about it.
All I was telling myself is that as long as he is happy ,I'm happy too . I told myself he's happiness is my happiness, I was repeating it to myself, I convinced myself that as long as he is happy even when it is with someone else,I'm happy as well. I believed that for then .
But my heart say otherwise, I smile with my face anytime I see them together but my hearts do the opposite, it's ache, I laugh ,it doesn't reach my heart, I thought I already let him go but I realize I'm not happy , expressing the love I crave for, from him to someone else.
I know that is so selfish of me, I don't like this part of me either but I still care for him despite the pain in my heart, I still want him to get all the love he wants. I think love is about seeing that person you love happy even if you are not his source of happiness.
Writing tonight by 2am ,I wish I had been brave enough to tell him, maybe it's might have gone my way and maybe not . Well, I will never know bcos I never said them and it's too late now.
