I was reading the book of Joshua when something occurred to me. From the time the Israelites began to take over the land in the time of Moses down to the time of Joshua, a lot of brutality happened.
The Israelites were sometimes instructed to “leave no one alive” even children. That was heavy to swallow. When Joshua was instructed to be strong and courageous, I realised later on that this was way beyond the point of discouragement because let’s face it, the Israelites were the most hardened people.
When I read places where both women and children were unalived (this didn’t happen all the time - only by specific instructions) I would always have this lump in my throat. It would be difficult to swallow.
Now, following through, I got to see that the greatness of the Israelites as a nation (then) were tied to these instructions. When Joshua was admonished by God to be strong and courageous, it wasn’t just about the hardened hearts he would face but also the moments of trust. That’s what it looked like to me.
Of course I can not in any way compare that time to this but we have come across many situations where our feelings or emotions tend to disparage the truth we know. This point was only made clearer while reading David and Saul’s story and how Saul disregarded God’s instructions so he could please the people.
There are times that instructions comes and they don’t make sense. Our sentiments and emotions raise a barrier. I was thinking, a true businessman would trust the data not his emotions. As such, I realise that this is one of my weakest links.
I was planning on writing this much later but then I was pondering on something that happened that threw me out of shape, I realized that maybe going quiet may not be the best course of action, but trust me, I don’t plan to say a word either. I’m more of an introspective and monologue person.
I was lying on my couch, already thrown off and beside myself — quite sad too. I was planning to just see a couple of videos because I could no longer sleep, and I’d lost interest in the movie I was seeing. Then, the sleep came mostly cause I felt so drained and then I pulled the covers over me to sleep.
It was minor, what many would call insignificant but He said, “get up, go brush your teeth. This is not who you are.” I didn’t want to. I felt very sad. I just wanted to keep lying here, but then I felt the urgency and so I did as I was instructed.
While I was brushing my teeth (few minutes to 00:00am) I recalled the words spoken to Joshua, “Be strong and Courageous”. I was already feeling so weak and vulnerable.
See, there’s something dangerous about feelings. You can feel the right way or the wrong way. It’s a double edged sword – a blessing and also the bane. I was already feeling judged. I know I was not, but you don’t dictate how a woman who’s at the lowest point of her life feels. I already felt like a child and at that moment, I just wanted to mope. I tend to do that a lot. When I feel that way, I cry.
This time however, right before I began writing this, I did cry but then just before I would get to the moping I was instructed clearly to get up and go brush my teeth. While brushing my teeth a whole internal dialogue was happening and with each of them, there was the strengthening of my heart. I felt the sadness leaving me and with something as little as this, I quickly understood the power of feelings and living beyond them.
I don’t have control of how people would perceive or interpret things. I do have control over how I respond though and I made a promise (a solemn one between myself and my God) to not react without His guidance. Which was why I immediately removed myself from a situation that looked like it was about to quickly escalate due to misunderstandings. I haven’t been completely upholding this one because I tend to slip sometimes but I’m training myself to.
I’m learning everyday and for my peace and those around me, I hope to learn more as I go, see deeper and understand clearly. Till then, I would keep growing in silence and purging in silence. I’ll concede because greater are the things I hold dear than my pride.
00:17 as I write this and I am reminded once again how much life goes beyond what I’m feeling in that moment. Every moment in time is crucial for my growth process as well as every instruction it comes with. I’ll wake up later in the day and may not remember the tones or insinuations of words spoken to me (that’s my flight brain there) but I’ll remember the feeling. That’s how it always is for me. The memory of the feeling stays with me and it stays for a long time.
This is new territory for me though, because I can’t respond how I used to. Now, I have to let love lead and I won’t have it any other way infact. Truth is, all I want at this point in my life is peace and maybe I’m ready to give up what it takes to hold this peace.
All Images are mine
