Wow… I think I’m actually good at avoiding sleep. It sounds funny when I say it like that, but it’s true. Sometimes I tell people I’m tired and I am but not because I didn’t have time to sleep. The truth is, I avoid sleeping on purpose.
Because when I sleep, everything becomes quiet.
And when it’s quiet, my thoughts become loud.
Most nights I just keep scrolling. One more video. One more post. One more refresh. It’s like I’m trying to delay tomorrow from coming. As long as I’m on my phone, I don’t have to deal with what’s in my head. I don’t have to sit with my thoughts.
But the moment I finally drop my phone at midnight and turn off the light, everything rushes in.
The pressure to succeed. The feeling that I should be doing better by now. Watching other people move forward in life and wondering if I’m falling behind. The fear of not becoming who I believe I’m supposed to be.
Then there’s that message that didn’t come.
It sounds small when you say it out loud. Even a little funny. But it matters. I will check my phone one last time, hoping to see that notification. Hoping someone remembered me. When nothing shows up, it leaves this quiet emptiness. Not pain exactly. Just silence.
But what really disturb me are the prayers that are still unanswered.
During the day, I’m fine. I stay busy. I talk. I work. I laugh. I distract myself. But at night, when everything slows down, I remember the prayers I’ve said over and over again. The things I asked God for. The doors I’m still waiting to see open. And I start asking myself… is it coming? Did He hear me? Am I doing something wrong?
Still, deep down, I haven’t lost hope.
Even when I scroll too much. Even when I feel pressure. Even when the message doesn’t come. Even when heaven feels quiet.
I still believe.
Maybe that’s why I keep waking up and trying again. Because somewhere inside me, I trust that one day everything will make sense. The pressure, the waiting, the silence all of it.
So yes… maybe I avoid sleep.
But I haven’t stopped believing.
Thank you very much for stopping by.
[Posted at 11:35 PM]
source image