We already parted our ways way back 5 months ago. But still, memories keep flashing back. I have moved on? Maybe, the answer is still no. Looking back from how we started, a friend to lover. If I try to analyze when did I fall in love with this person? The answer would always be, "I don't know." Since it was just like a snap that I already caught a feeling towards this person. But you know what? Everyday this person never fails to make me fall in love each day. Sometimes anger would lead what's between us but at the end of the day, I keep coming back to this person. There would always be a reason to choose and love this person. We've fought so many times. Not just once, twice, or thrice. But through those arguments, I have learned that there are fights we cannot fix just in one night. Sometimes, you need to give a space for the person to think and calm before approaching. It may take a day or a week. Those fights we've been through never become a hindrance for me to choose that person always.
This person really helps me a lot. It may be personal reasons, academic, or financial. Come to think about it, you have a blessing in your life. How lucky am I? To have someone through your thick 'and thins. But little did you know, I was so reckless to lose someone who is a blessing. There are so many instances I wanted to explain and become more open but I was so afraid to do so. For the reason that I might be judged. There are so many instances that the situation that I have been in is different from what others have seen. To the point that they think I've been lying. Since I have lied before. Instead of explaining, I would rather ask for forgiveness rather than explaining deeply what really happened. It was all my fault, for being unopened to that person, for being unspoken. I started to get tired explaining when someone gets involved. I am wrong, for still doing and calling my friends with endearment while I am in a relationship. Being close to others. For me, I know my limitations and boundaries. I did it just for fun or for being friendly not knowing that I am not giving the reassurance to that person. That's the time I promised that if ever I hurt that person, and when that person mentioned that I have hurt that person so badly, then I will not beg for another chance. Since there are a lot of chances that were given to me.
Those chances are something that I look at as someone's sacrifices. Imagine, that person always put me first more than itself. Have you apologized? Then the answer is yes, but I get tired of saying sorry. For some will view it as manipulation not knowing I was sincere. I always distance myself whenever I am mad, when I want to be taken care of, spend the time together, be with that person. I was the type of person that for me to be able to understand what you felt, then tell me. I will not be the type who will figure out what's going on.
I am blessed for I have been with someone who is so exceptional. A person who would always be there when you need someone. That person completes me. I was never treated the way that person treats me. I have never loved like how that person loved me. I have never cared by anyone like how that person cared for me. I was never been prioritize, never seen like how that person does. I was so naive to act that way. To hurt that person. I have loved that person with all my might and I am still right now. I don't when will my feelings outgrew. I don't know when will my tears stop to fall. I don't know when my mind start to think of anything except that person. "Why don't you ask for another chance?" Most of my friends asked. I would rather suffer by regretting everything not just to ruin the happiness of that person right now. I can see that person's beautiful face and that is enough.