GETTING IN TOUCH
Reflecting on this journey offers a great opportunity to revisit how I started it and how it’s going, motivating me to strive for more in serving the vulnerable.
During my first weeks working with these vulnerable ones, I remember that every time I entered the center, I would engage directly with the children. I would greet them with a simple “hi” and “good morning”. Eventually, I began to incorporate hugs with the girls; it started with side hugs. Growing up, I was not accustomed to hugs, and I believe this is common for us Filipinos.
It made me cringe every time someone hugged me, but I did it with these children because I believed it was one way to show them that I cared for them. These children were also not used to hugs, so they would sometimes try to avoid my hugs if they thought I would approach them that way. They would run away from me or say ‘I don’t like hugs’ or ‘it’s awkward’.
Despite this, I didn’t stop greeting them with hugs. As weeks passed and a month went by, I had already established rapport with them. They became comfortable talking and spending time with me. They let me hug them, and this time, they would hug me back.
Until one day, when I arrived at the center, they were the ones who greeted me first and held my hand to bless. They gave me hugs, and it filled my heart. Eventually, they grew fond of hugs, not a day passed without hugs from them.
I attended a training on ‘Trauma-Informed Care’ (commonly termed as ‘TIC’). TIC is a method of recognizing the need to understand children’s traumatic experiences to provide affective care and improve engagement with victim-survivors. The five guiding principles of TIC are safety, choice, collaboration, trustworthiness, and empowerment.
Learning about safety touches is crucial in dealing with these victim-survivors. I have to ensure that when I give them hugs, it makes them feel safe and does not trigger them.
While learning about the symptoms and triggers of victim-survivors of sexual abuse, I encountered some challenges in giving hugs to the children.
My intention is and always will be pure, but I had to consider that my small gesture could impact them positively or negatively. I struggled with the idea of giving them hugs or refraining from physical touches because some of them could be triggered by physical contact.
The responses when these victim-survivors are triggered are either they would fight, flight, or freeze.
When I returned to the center, I asked them individually if they were okay with my hugs or if they felt comfortable, because if not, there was a need for me to stop. Fortunately, we were already attuned and comfortable with each other. I had read online before that someone needs 20 hugs a day to feel loved and to belong.
After reading Bessel van der Kolk's book 'The Body Keeps the Score,' I learned that one of the ways to heal from trauma is through physical touch. Van der Kolk writes, 'The most natural way that we humans calm down our distress is by being touched, hugged, and rocked. This helps with excessive arousal and makes us feel intact, safe, protected, and in charge.' (Bessel van der Kolk, 'The Body Keeps the Score') He also illustrates in his book Christ Healing the Sick through the power of attuned touch.
It made me reflect that I don’t have to stop hugging these children as long as they feel safe with my touch. It’s true, when someone hugs you, especially during your darkest times, it eases the pain you’re feeling and gives you comfort.
These children are in need of that. They battle every day with their thoughts and emotions, questioning if they deserve to be loved, because they have already been betrayed by people they trusted.
Hug someone today. You don’t know how powerful that can be for them.
Parents often say that when they come home after work feeling very tired, and their children welcome them with hugs, the feeling of exhaustion eases. I'm not a mother yet, but it's true that when someone we love hugs us, it makes us feel whole, safer, lighter, and loved.
