Yesterday, I overheard my uncle's friend saying, "Deppression. Depression. Hindi ako naniniwala sa depression na yan." [I don't believe in that so called depression.]
The lines were said with so much conviction, it made me wonder if it was because of the spirit of alcohol since they were talking over a few bottles of booze.
He continued on saying he had experienced having nothing but never had experienced getting depressed and that people are just masking sadness to the word, "anxiety". His tone of conviction never faltered.
And there I was, listening to the monologue of a half-drunk about anxiety while I was battling my own. Coincidentally, I woke up that day feeling a little bit anxious. I tried doing things that I love, looking for inspirations and it worked a little, but as soon as I was done, there was the weird feeling creeping in again. I know for sure I was not sad, I was anxious.
The feeling is not new to me. I have felt it a few times in the past and I was able to learn my triggers over the years. Trauma. Rejections. Instability. These where the battles that I had to overcome over and over and I am proud of myself every time I do. But yesterday was different. I was feeling low for nothing.
My uncle's friend's words made me think just how good it must have been to come from a standpoint of someone who does not believe in depression and anxiety for it meant he never had to deal with the lies and struggle to fight his own thoughts. I envied him in some way.
I remembered a few family, friends, and friends of friends who lost the battle and succumbed to the lies. They must have been in the dark place for a long while. They must have been waiting for someone to add a spark of light in their loneliness. They must have been turned off by someone else's brightness. They must have been discouraged to show their true emotions. They must have fought. They must have struggled and lost.
I do not blame my uncle's friend for his words. Perhaps he's never been there before for only someone who experienced how dreadful it is can truly understand.
If you are some of those who understand, I am glad you do. People like you are the sparks during darker days. Thank you for the validation that these dark emotions are true. Thank you for creating the guiding light and for the encouragement that one day we will be able to fight our own demons. Thank you for cheering us on.
Today, I woke not as my best self but just enough for me to get moving for the day. I sent a message to my friend sharing how I felt down yesterday for no reason at all. But while writing this, I realized that it was not nothing. It was probably something I need to discover about myself. Just how I discovered my other triggers. Perhaps one day I will be able to give the feeling a name and learn how to deal with it.
If you are someone who felt sad or anxious over nothing I hope this message reaches you. You are not alone. I hope one day, we all will be able to decipher the feeling of nothingness and pick up a great lesson from it while we move forward. Cheering for you.