It's my birthday, and I just turned 35!
That's a lot of years... three decades and a half, imagine! When I was younger, I thought that if you reach a certain age, you're supposed to be successful, established, and stable. This is based on what I observed from the parents I grew up with, the parents of my peers, my friends...
The older generation, the ones who came before us, just got lucky, I guess. We could blame a lot of things: inflation, the economy, or the decaying lifestyle of society. I don't know for sure, but wherever I am right now, I forgive myself if I feel like I'm not enough or not where I'm supposed to be.
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Now that I'm here, I've actually learned a lot of things.
For the many months leading up to this day, I've had some last-minute life lessons before reaching 35. Compared to previous years, this one feels more grounded and more "in tune" with who I am—the me that isn't striving towards something, but the me that is accepting who I am and loving every minute of every moment of every day of my life!
I'm just extremely lucky
...and I know I don't talk about luck this much. I do feel that everything happens for a reason, and everything is kind of predestined, preordained, chosen, and made out of our decisions.
But you know what? A lot of who I am right now is mostly just pure luck.
It's a combination of many things that conspired to create this person and this personality. These are the privileges I had that I may not have realized before. I've had a lot of opportunities and privileges that just came with being born and being here.
I've been able to meet the people I met and be raised by people who are not my blood but have taught me many things I couldn't have learned otherwise if I had grown up with my family and parents.
I do love my real family and my parents... I just don't have a bond or connection with them. But I'm from the same genes... I'm very sure that if we were just given a chance to really know each other, we would enjoy the similarities and the stories of how everything weaves into this tapestry of beautiful and terrible things that happened to each one of us.
Of all the years and all the birthdays, I guess this is my favorite.
We didn't really have much lately; I didn't have my pay yet, but we had a very beautiful dinner with my family: just me, my partner, and my son.
The three of us, this small unit whare with me every day, seeing me in my bouts of depression and my tiny successes... Cheering me up, and being with me in our little campfire of a dinner.
I guess I'm just moved by a lot of things that happened on my birthday and a lot of the greetings I've received. Many of them were sincere because I know... the words are very grounded, loving, and different.
Or maybe it's not the greetings; maybe it's not the words.
Lately, I've been more in tune with my own energy, the me that is not anxious, the me that is not wrapped in this energy of my nervous system being so wrecked, confused, and shielded from adult life.
We had to do the adulting thing. We have to live like adults, and we should be because we are.
But then we forget to embrace a lot of the things that made us who we are in the process. Lately, I've been more in tune with who I am, what I love, and what I appreciate. I'm not afraid to pray to whatever higher power I can just grab and touch because I believe.
A lot of things in life we had to do we because we have to
It's just the right thing to do. It's just the normal, stereotypical adult decision to be able to do these things and to be these things and to be as perfect as we can, to be as moral and as less clumsy as we can.
We become less forgiving of the things that we have done and of the things that really don't help us at all but are part of us, the things that are not practical.
Lately, I've been embracing all of these things, and I accept them. I forgive myself for all those things that I am not yet, for all those doubts that I have with my own abilities and my own worth.
My Gift to Each One of My Friends
I guess for everyone out there who is listening to this or reading this, I just want you to know that my gift for you as another human is for you to find a safe space to just forgive yourself and accept yourself.
I know that when we get out of here, in our homes, in our lives, there will be people who are going to hurt us. There are people who are just bad; people who are terrible. There will be people who will manipulate us.
Yes, let's fight them. Let's shield ourselves from them. But let us not be scared, and let us accept that there will be times in our own safe space where we just allow ourselves to feel.
I hope that everyone this Christmas season, of course, the next year (New Year's coming!) and all the years in the future, will find in themselves the peace and the love and the joy that only we can give to ourselves if we allow ourselves to be the beautiful people that we are, even for some moments.