It was during one of our lunch break when one of my colleagues who is about to get married approached me and asked me "Mommy J what is the secret of your marriage? I know you had been married for a long time so what is the formula of staying married? You know I'm about to get married so can you share some?". I laughed hard upon hearing the question.
When I sobered I told him that first of all, don't believe on the cliche that there is a "perfect marriage" because once you believed it and yours will not be a perfect one then that is the time that you get frustrated or disillusioned. Because I do not believe that that there is a perfect marriage but you as couples try to perfect it or adjust to the situation to make your marriage a good one if not perfect. I know he was thinking hard because he was looking at me with a somewhat baffled expression. Then he said " Mommy J can you please elaborate?".
First and foremost you both came from a different upbringings and beliefs, even your lifestyles were different when you were single. So when you get married then that is the time that your masks will be taken off and the real you will be exposed. You will now find some imperfections on your partner that you do not know before like for example when I married my husband I did not know that he snores loudly. So I have to adjust on that because I'm a light sleeper and I cannot sleep when there's noise around me. Another example is that you will learn that your partner is not good in housekeeping while you on the other hand is used on a clean and organized home. This is just an example of trivial things that you will encounter.
Then as the years go by you will have children and you will encounter some bigger problems. There are times that you will get frustrated and you will ask your self if your marriage was the right thing to do. But don't lose hope when you encounter problems in your marriage because that is natural in every relationship.
Another thing about marriage is give and take. As partners you should learn to share the burdens of raising a family. Even if you are the husband help your wife in some of the household chores specially if both of you are working. You can help in the cooking or doing laundry or cleaning the house. Gone are the days when the men have to say that household chores are only for women and not for men. Nowadays chores are to be shared equally. Because women are also now working to share the financial burdens.
One of the things that you will also encounter is about your families and relatives. Sometimes you will hear bad remarks from your parents or relatives about your spouse. Once you hear it take it in good stride. If it is for the improvement of your spouse then try to suggest it to her in a way that she will not get hurt. But if you think that it is just a remark to make you quarrel then ignore it. Remember you of all people should know your spouse better and not believe on others.
Another thing that is very important in a marriage is TRUST. Because if you trust each other then no matter what other's will say no one can break your relationship because of the trust you have for each other. So it is important not to break that trust that you have for each other. Because once broken it is hard to repair it and would take a long time to regain a trust that has been lost.
Fight if you must even shouting to each other or cursing each other is a big help. According to a counselor that I have spoken with and to what I have read also, couples that fight are the ones that stayed in a marriage or a relationship. Because if you fight your grievances will come out in the open and once released then it will give ease to what you have been bottling up inside your heart. Once cooled down then try to resolve the problem and compromise. Unlike to those couples that just keeps quiet and try to bottle up their anger living in an illusion that they do not have a problem. That is why when they can they no longer take it they separate ways.
In my experience, if you are undergoing a problem with your spouse then do not share it with your parents or relatives. Why? Because they would be biased in their resolution, naturally they will side with you so instead of having an amicable solution they would just worsen it by urging you to separate it happened to me. So I stopped telling my parents my problems with my husband. But if you think that you cannot handle your problem alone then go to someone you know who can give you a good advice. You can go to a marriage counselor or to a priest or a pastor whatever your religion is.
Love each other as you have when you first started. Your love will help you solve problems that you will encounter along the way. So always nourish your love for each other.
And the most important one in a marriage or in a relationship for me is putting God in the center of your marriage or relationship. Because that is the big secret for me why I stayed married for a long time. We had encountered numerous trials and even break ups in our marriage. As I've said earlier ours was not a perfect one or a good one but we have stayed this long by the help of God and our community for married couples. Because if not we might have been separated a long time ago.
Then I face my colleague and look him in the eye saying "Do not be afraid of marriage, play it by ear and just as long as you love each other and God at the center of it then you will be fine". Then I joking told him, we had been married for a long time but we are still fighting and bickering even on trivial matters but we are still together. Maybe that's what keeps us going, then we both laughed.
Disclaimer: Again I'm not an expert in marriage this is just based on my own experience of being married for 39 years. I apologize if I have indirectly offended anyone, it was not my intention.
Thank you for reading. Be blessed and safe everyone!
*** photos by canva ***