I usually write fiction based on non-fictional events but this time I am writing non-fictional events that are bordering on fiction because I am writing this using the best of what is still left of these memory (it might also be just my delusions).
I have been trying to write but can't finish anything... this is the only thing that is running on my head like a broken record right now.
Is it regret? Do I want to reach out? Do I want to put the final nail in the coffin? Will writing make me forget? What the hell triggered this? What do I want after the end of these chapters? I don't know nor do I have the time to ponder about it.
I have too much to do and have so little time.
The Beginning before the End
One thing I have often wondered about as a kid. Why would someone build a family then throw it away just because they found someone else?
For most people, I don’t have the right to ask this for I grew up in a good family. I ask some guys I knew why? Most of them just said they made the wrong choice and after getting married only then did they realize that mistake.
With that information, it is easy enough to make a solution: I shouldn’t make the mistake in the first place.
Thus,
- Never let my Heart have the better judgment.
- I learned everything (cooking, washing, household chores, etc.) so I wouldn’t ever rely on any girl... even my Mom.
- Made a set of qualifications for a significant other
- She needs to have the potential to be a good mother and father if needs to be.
- Someone I wouldn’t mind sleeping with for the rest of my life
- Someone I can trust
- That is it, if she is pretty, well educated and every other positive thing… I’ll just take that as a bonus.
First of all, she needs to have the potential to be a good mom. How would I know that? Simple the gauging stick is my Mother. Someone I wouldn’t mind sleeping with — I am not picky with women, as long it is a girl they would do, but certainly someone I would like to hold every night for the rest of my life is not too much to ask.
Most importantly and above all — someone I can trust.
I have never thought twice of leaving or just plain ignoring women failing these criteria, if, and by any chance, I don’t find anyone suitable. I am considering a life of luxury and debauchery which is not such a bad idea — a single life is way better than leading a broken family.
Luck would have it found my wife when I was just 23 of age she was about 17 back then. She is not perfect, far from it, but I never regretted my decision of marrying her. As a close friend said to me, “I am lucky enough to find someone that he (with all his resources) is already taking him forever to find.”
In short, for a very long time, I am living the very normal mundane family life I wanted. I thank God every day for it.
Then all of a sudden, for some fucking reason I just found myself in love with a person I didn’t even know was a girl till she said, “Mat, you already probably know this — but I am a girl.”. Truth be told, I already know that I did! I just didn’t want to acknowledge it. Because of the growing fondness inside me for her, but the moment she wanted to validate herself with me, there is nothing much I can do but accept it as a fact.
The moment she became a girl, is the time I need to cut ties with her… burn the whole fucking bridge down.
Why?
I'm scared.
She is already the first thing I think of in the morning and my last thought at night and she isn’t even a girl back then, what about now? I don’t even know what she looks like. She is just a person I happen to come across while playing ‘spy’ on a mobile game… what about now?
Is this how everything starts? or ends?
FUCK!
How the hell did this happen to me? How the hell is this even possible? How many women tried to make me fall for them without success in the past years. Here comes one and without much of an effort made me fall for her? or she did I just did not realize it?
Whatever, it is not that I can go back in time and undo the spell... too bad though whatever this is, It has to end it.
I took my phone then sent her a mail saying, “Hey, you do know I am happily married right? For some reason, I think I have fallen in love with you… but I have no reason to pursue this and thus I want it out of my system.” Is what I think I told her or something along those lines. Anyway, this would create the gap I needed and everything will drastically turn for the — worst.
Is what I expected but she just replied with, “Um.. okay.”
!?
What the FUCKING HELL does “Um, okay” even mean?
I failed, that is what it means — not just that I didn’t manage to scare her off, I didn’t even manage to create a FUCKING gap between us! What’s more she is teasing me about it. Though, I would be lying if I said this unprecedented outcome did not make me smile.
Ghad...
This unique feeling I have for her… I don’t hate it, truth be told. Under different circumstances — if she was a decade earlier I would consider making her mine forcefully If needed (this is true even today, even after everything that happened between us) but that is that and this is this. In the light of my failure, a reasonably abominable thought came to mind that day.
”What if we can have a better ending?”
I am not asking for the impossible. Just an alternate ending where I don't end up hurting her. Is that possible? I ran the probability in my head using all the scenarios that I know of. To create the best possible future, first of all, I need to UNFALL IN LOVE with her.
”How the FUCK am I to do that? This is impossible!” Is what I thought of.
I just sighed, resigned my thoughts then told her “Hey, Somehow I am going to purge these feelings out of my system and get my life back.” She just teased me again and then said, “Good luck!”
”Yeah, I am going to need a mountain of that if I am to make that a reality.”
(If I only knew what the future holds I wouldn’t be so cool about it and planned more critically)
- I think I already wrote the notes on top...
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