Last day of the month and I was in the office today. I had so many things going through my mind and I honestly didn't have the energy to get up. Yet as I always do I push it down and put on a brave face and smile.
It may counterintuitive that I set aside how I am feeling and just go about my daily life. I go to work, joke around with people, log out, jump to discord and chat awhile, start to read a book and get through some chapters, move to an audio book and get back to the latest Gundam kit that I am working on and set my alarm to an hour in order to make me stop because if left to my own lack of control I would continue to build until it is finish.
I then put away my kit, brush my teeth, chat again with someone and try to sleep. Try is the operative word that as I lay in bed in the darkness and close my eyes, sleep eludes me. I often brag that one of my unique skills is being able to fall asleep at any time or position. If I am sleepy, I will sleep. Yet this month I have trouble sleeping. No thoughts run in my head,nor do I feel particularly sad but I am not happy as well. I just feel broken.
I don't normally put on this hoodie this summer but for some reason, I thought it was apt. I slipped it on and it felt like a warm hug.
Words have power. The word Unbroken called on me. It was my earnest wish to be that. To stop feeling so broken.
Smile and say you are fine. Then I stepped inside the office and started my day.
As I was running a training session earlier face to face with some people and we talked about Motivations I asked them what/who motivates them to get up each morning? (Para kanino ka bumanbangon?) There were a lot of great answers and it made me think as well why do I still get up when it feels so easy to just lie down and stop.
It gave me pause to think. To silence some of the negative voices in my head. In a way that training session was just something that I needed at that time. Sometimes when you are doing training you also learning something in return.
Then logging into discord and checking messages and while I always joke around so many messages I scan through it and smile at some of the exchanges that I see.
Then I logged into Hive hoping to have something to write about and break the cycle of writer's block that I have been experiencing the whole month of May. Then I saw that I won the recent contest by Hive PH. I even won in a raffle last Friday it seems. I felt something lit up. A spark, a fleeting emotion and yet these tiny things planted seeds of hope that I am grateful for.
Hope that I will no longer be broken but will someday be unbroken and able to smile. Hope floats.
Mental health week may have ended but it is never too late.