2021 vs You: You were tougher

2021 was a tough year, but when I opened this book of 2022, realization struck me like lightning: I was tougher than 2021. I was still hanging on, I survived, I had surpassed that nearly hell of a year, turned down a death call, and fought for my life.
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It was not easy for me. I was only that little loner who spend her time on her room. I did not have any achievements to brag about. Got no contests I champed. Got no books to publish. Got no new friends to be with. Got no chance to dance. Some says it was just my fault why I ended up stuck, it was myself to blame why my shyness won over me. But was it really my fault I ended up caving in my shell and lose all the confidence I once had? Maybe, but I believe it is not.
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There were times I hated myself for being envious to other teenagers who came out better than me, envious because I was only nothing, and comparing myself would be useless because I am nothing compared to them.
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There were times I struggled looking myself in the mirror. I hated my complexion. I hated my pimples and bloated cheeks. I hated my height and hated my weight. I hated everything to the worst that I could not found the interest to the things I had love doing before.
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Pandemic did not help. As it slowed down our country, it slowed me down as well. I was not like this before, I was better. How did I become this worst?
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There were many supposed-to-be death anniversaries for me that I counted. Disappointments and failure I lost count with. I turned down many school opportunities for the reason I was tired even though I did not move much. I failed my mom when she wanted me to be the best in the class. My bestfriend died in the middle of the year. I got diagnosed of a blood-related disease. I was messed up, and I know in that moment the year was being so hard on me.

I was just a kid. Still a kid. So human, soft and subtle.

I did not even know how I manage to fight back and to stand up. All I know as I flipped the last page of that damned 2021 calendar, was that I survived. So, I looked on the things that helped me and found out none but only myself.
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I remember an Arabic proverb that stuck on my head, 'Only three things in life are certain birth, death and change'. There were times I asked myself why am I even in this world when first and foremost I did not ask to be born. There were many times I thought death, however I was not eager for it, it was just the thought and nothing more. But, there was change I constantly thought of, I was eager to make a move for it. And maybe that was what helped me to stand and fight. It motivated me, I was determined. I was smart and will be wiser to make a strategic plan to fight a life.
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“Happiness can be found in even the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.” - Albus Dumbledore
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I remember to turn on the light myself. I remember the light warming me when I started accepting who am I and accepting the life I have. It was a very crucial move when I became vocal with my feelings to my mom and dad, but there will be no future without risk. I put that in mind. I remember when I got back to making art, the heaviness of my heart have lifted time to time. I remember when I started doing my hobbies that became my coping-mechanisms. Albeit the process of healing was not linear. Those moments were the most amazing ones, I finally learned loving myself and finding my worth.
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Lastly, I remember when I arrived here in Hive. It was probably one of the best thing that happened to me on 2021. I became dedicated to write as I got new goals I want to fulfil. I want to help myself to learn more and to help my family. For instance it has become the light and a hope I am bringing now in 2022.

_{My new year's eve was a blast with my family and our simple yet incredible celebration. Just the four of us away from the city, in our little farm's rest house. (The cutest thing was the money I earned here in Hive was what we spent for the additional food.)}

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This new year I realized I had grown a lot. I became much better. Others told me I became mature all throughout. But truth is I still have my inner demons sleeping inside me. I cannot get those out, so I just chose to be brave and to fight.

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