In a few days' time, my husband and I will be celebrating our wedding anniversary. I can't believe we've been together for 14 years, and married for 9 years already. In those years, I can only count our big arguments by a handful. It is true, once you've found peace and rest in each other, your marriage will truly be a breeze. I can still remember how he proposed to me.
No, there was no spectacular of some sort. There was no going down on one knee, ring in hand, asking the question "Will you marry me?" Nothing of that kind. It was more like business decision. He just asked me casually in one of our conversations. Then we went straight to setting the date, determining the headcount of attendees. All the other particulars, we discussed on different days. I liked it like that.
But let me let you in on how the marriage customs was in the Philippines back in the day. Back when flexing your engagement ring wasn't a thing. way back when the Spaniards haven't done the disgusting things they done in our country. A little closer to the years after the great migration happened.
For our Social Studies subject in our homeschooling journey, I wanted to teach my kid about how the Philippines was long before Spain colonized our beloved Pearl of the Orient. I wanted her to understand and get to know Philippines as she was before all the tumult of the revolutions, politics, and war happened. She loved the progression of things from the movements of the tectonic plates, to the evolution of the Homo Sapiens, and how humans evolved from hunters to farmers, she loved Bathala, Amihan, and all the other Gods and Goddesses, the cave people and their artifacts, as well as their customs.
In one of our Philippine History books The Story of our Country by Leandro Fernandez, we found a lot of interesting things about the Philippines pre-hispanic era. The most common story was how the first Filipinos arrive here using their balangays which was retained in the government system as the Barangays. Some practices still exist like some superstitious beliefs that the old people sometimes enforce.
One of the stories she find most interesting was the marriage customs before. According to the book, marriage and courtship was done in a grandiose way before. If a young man wishes to marry a young woman, he wouldn't approach that lady and court her. It is his father that will do all the preparations and arrangements. First a friend of his father's will go to the young woman's father to inform him of their intentions, promising gifts of gold, slaves, and jewels. Should the woman's father approve, they will then start the courtship and engagement.
The men on the young man's side will start hunting animals, looking for fruits and crops, all of which to be prepared on the wedding day. The young lady is then to be carried literally from her house to the young man's house. Before she enters their house, she will be given a lady in waiting, fine cloth, jewelries, rice, chickens, and all sorts of gifts. Before she goes up the stairs, there's a set of gifts, before she enters the door, there's another set of gifts, before she sits at the dining table (where the ceremony will be done) another set of gifts will be given to her.
Take note that this was done back when men go out and hunt and work laboriously in the farm or out to sea throughout the day while the women stay at home, tend to the children and the house, and await for their husband's arrival at night. This was the custom back when women are seen only as caretakers and baby-bearers for their husbands. This was back when women were only supposed to be seen, and not to be heard.
This was how engagement and marriage customs was some centuries before. Now that we are in the 21st century, the game has changed. Not all women stay at home and take care of their family. Not all men work hard to provide for the family they built. There is so much change when it comes to gender equality. Marriage and familial setup is not the same as it was before.
Engagement proposals nowadays is mostly seen as a flex in social media. (But imagine if there was social media way back, I'm sure the engagement posts would be very much interesting.) My friends are divided when it comes to their views of wedding engagements. Some see the engagement ring as a promise ring, some view it as a proof that the man will be able to provide for the family they will be forming together. I have a friend who was given an expensive engagement ring, an even more expensive wedding ring, but their marriage ended with so much suffering. True story.
I wasn't given an engagement ring nor a grandiose wedding proposal. I personally think those things feel like an ambush. I think that engagement proposals, like any business proposals need to be discussed very thoroughly, until the couple has covered all the grounds. Like what my parents always say getting married is not like hot rice that if you get burned, you'll just spit it out. My father's advice is to make sure to think about it a thousand times before getting married. I would advise my kid to not just think about it but voice out all of her opinions to her future spouse, and make sure that they talk about everything from emotional, physical, financial, and spiritual (and so much more) aspects of their life. Those flex worthy engagements are just for show. It wouldn't matter if she received millions worth engagement ring or not, what matters is how they foresee their future together.
