13th of October I received a phone call from my mother around five in the afternoon. She knows that I am asleep during those hours as I am working late at night.
Image by wirestock on Freepik
Her voice was breaking and she mentioned that my father already passed away. He was found in our comfort room as he is taking a bath. They tried to rush him over the nearest hospital but it was deemed dead on arrival already. Heart attack is probably the reason why.
Except from the few discord friends that I do know of and my supervisor and team mates no one knew about the said news. Some of my friends that are friends with my siblings knew about his passing but for others I just kept silent.
I told mom that we will be going home in Biñan the next day as there's no public transportation available already. April asked if I am okay and if there's something that I want to talk about, and need help in processing the what happened on my mind. I am more concerned about nanay and my other siblings as I have shared.
I tried to sleep, but I cannot. I told April that I am not feeling sad but rather I am relieved that finally it is finished.
Father had his first heart attack on 2006, underwent some medication and somehow recovered. But as the years go by, his sturdy physique began to dwindle. Multiple ailments started to manifest from him. He had stroke, and some episodes of Alzheimer's this year.
In one of our videocalls I witnessed it and my heart was broken. When I asked our father on what is my name he doesn't remember who I was. But he remembered Dyn-Dyn and mentioned that she is his granddaughter. There are also days wherein he cannot be found within our place and some of the people within our street will accompany him home. He was treated as a young child.
When we arrived in our home, I hugged my mother tightly and asked if she is okay and if she got any sleep. She said that she doesn't have any yet but she is not feeling sleepy at all. Her eyes are dim but I can't see any tear shedding.
My cousins and other relatives arrived teary eyed on what happened. I tried to comfort them and thanked for sparing their time to mourn with us.
As days go by, other relatives and friends started to visit us. Mother's still not in the mojo to move and prepare for everything. Totally understandable as maybe it is her way to grieve, at times I can see her staring blankly in space. He was her first, her one and only man and now that he is gone how to move forward?
Together with my siblings we are the one's who prepared the food for the visitors. On the third day we left Biñan and mentioned that we will go back on the day of the burial itself as there's a shortage of place to rest and everything has been taken care of. Burial services, casket and everything has been sponsored by the government hence we do not have any out of the pocket expenses for it. We just bought food and drinks with the money that we received from friends and relatives.
On our way to his resting place while everyone was walking I tapped the back of my closest cousin Monica and she immediately burst out in tears. She has regrets and said that she will be missing father as she often give her fruits in the morning. I was envious, as that is something that I am not capable to do. As I shared the feeling of missing people is alien to me as I do not feel such.
Father was a great man no doubt about it as the casket closes I watched everyone shed tears. I tried to but there's really none. I feel guilty as this isn't the same as to when 
Maybe because I ran the scenario of father passing multiple times that I became numb already those rush emergency room situation that we had. The ambulance scene that we had when COVID was rampant and all other stuff that I was there talking to the doctors on how is his current situation after being in ICU for days.
Who knows, but at times I feel that I am a bad son as I didn't cry during and after the wake.