When I look at the scenarios that I have gone through in my life, being lazy is not the thing that puts me down most times. I’m a very lazy person, and that affects most aspects of my life with a lot of problems. But I’m don’t give that much attention to it, all I’m trying to do is chasing just one thing and leaving all the other behind.
There were times I don’t even have this one thing to chase, at that time things were very bad. In those moments I’m the person who doesn’t need anything, all I do is just wasting time. I don’t think wasting time is that much worse, what else to do with time. Being alive provides a certain sum of happiness, but even at those times, regrets come to haunt me.
I always try to keep this regret away, but they know a certain way to get inside my brain and give flashes of memories that will make me sad and make me realize how stupid a person I am. Most times these regret comes when I go for asleep. I go to bed very late at night, it will be before around two or three hours to morning. So when I put forcefully put myself on the bed, these regrets come to haunt me. Then there arises some kind of need to work on something for the future. Or the need for not wasting time and the search for the answers of life.
All these ruins my sleep every day. Still, I’m trying to get out of those, but nowadays I don’t feel that much regret I figured out some kind of way to ignore them. I’m trying very much to concentrate on the part that I’m alive.
As I said before it’s not the laziness or my inability to work that drags me backwards, it’s the lack of a good desire or a goal that is slow downing me. I am searching for meaning in things, and I can’t find it anywhere. Most times these desires end up at the need for making money. But when I look around, there are better other ways to make money rather than the one I’m doing.
But I have no interest in those ways to make money, so then there will be nothing in front of me. The excitement I had for a certain thing goes away, now it’s the search for another thing. I’m confused about all these and then it will take much more time to come up with another goal.
Going through these cycles several times, I had found some interesting facts that I have to keep in mind before fixing some certain goal. The most important thing was fake goals, I will be interested in a certain part of the goal, but I will try to give the goal a name of the attractive part that is close to the goal. So the chaos starts from that moment. I will be going in the wrong direction with all these thoughts.
The goal should not be a job title for the most part, but a job title can be the goal. Then we have to plan things that way rather than confusing them with the work. I can’t find a problem in having a job title as a goal. If we want to be in a certain environment we could desire that. If we don’t like the environment we can quit after that. But if we make it as a certain goal, we also have to plan things that way.
Most of the things I have to do was plan before choosing one, if something happens after choosing one, there will not be much left to do. I think questioning everything like this gonna lead me to some space where I’m nothing. That’s the fear which is always inside me, becoming nothing. I don’t want to become something great, but I have the desire to become something meaningful, which may make sense only to me.