There are two kinds of lifestyles that are in front of me I can choose from, and they are not something that I have come up with. Everybody knew about these, you also know what they are. One is about going the way, we think most of the world is going. It’s just all about completing graduation and choosing a job and try to excel on it, or doing something different, something that the world calls unique.
This is just usual, everyone has the idea about this, My problem is I can’t go along with any of those. The first path; working on a normal job. I have just started living that life, it’s totally bad. I really don’t like it. When I was a child I thought that when I grow up I could be free. I really wanted to grow up and get out of that prison. But nothing changed, I got out of that prison and entered another big one. Here I am stuck with responsibilities. But I kind of figured out, from where these responsibilities come from. And also I kind of know-how to not give much attention to this responsibility thing, Still, there is a ton of other problems.
So I have to find something different, something exciting and something I love. But I can’t. There is nothing that I love that much, I am a kind of lazy person who loves to do nothing. And I kind of fear that state of doing nothing, I feel like I will become lost in that world. So thinking realistically about quitting the job or doing something like that never gonna help.
If I had some kind of a thing that they call “passion”, I should have followed that, but there isn’t. I had a desire to buy a lot of things, and that motivated me to go for a job and earn some money. I will never say going like that is bad. If money can buy happiness, why ignore it. In the end, it’s all about our happiness, if money can get that, there’s not much problem with that.
At some part of my life, I kind of had desires to travel and the things people do as a part of the exploration. But now there isn’t that kind of thought inside of my head, I kind of have don’t have interest in any of these, I am not welcoming something new to my life. All I’m doing is just going with the flow.
I have been a big fan of movies, there were times I watched three or more movies per day and also binge-watching the series. But currently, I have no interest in any of those, even if I watch I will watch something I have already watched, that kind of feels good. Each simple action I have to do after I have woke up kind of makes me feel really bad. I’m really lazy and I don’t want to do anything and also I don’t need anything.
The basic needs are the things that I’m scared about these days. I don’t want anything more. And kind of have a decent situation for keep living like it, so this question arises like why should I do anything? Everyone is doing things for the reason of something, but if one doesn’t want not much more than some basic things.
I’m not trying to talk in a stupid monk style, the things are just opposite. It’s not like I don’t have desires. But if I could live lazily like this and I could do nothing and live, then I am ready to give up those desires. They don’t matter much, I kind of like this state of doing nothing. Tomorrow may be a big question but I kind of don’t fear it that much.
I don’t know where I will end up, but some of the possibilities feel disappointing. I think the whole world has put tons of unwanted information inside my head, which asks questions like, “What’s the meaning of life?” and “What’s the purpose?”. I feel we don’t have to take it with that much attention. There are people out there, who want to teach people the meaning of life, I kind of feel funny when I look at them. All of them are trying to sell something.
I think I don’t have many options left other than going with the flow. That may help for a big part.