It's getting really hard for me to take decisions, when I look back now I feel like I never have made a sole decision in my life. Most of the decisions I have taken before had some kind of outside pressure. Or they even didnt mean anything, it only affected me. Now I have came at a stage where my decisions are affecting others, and it had become really hard for me to take decision under these situations.
I never see me as a kind nice guy, I clearly know the fact that I'm more of a selfish guy. I have a deep feeling that I'm very selfish, so I really have to act outside as a nice person. So in the middle of this battle I lost my character, couldn't become a selfish guy who could achieve his personal needs easily or the nice guy. When I become too nice all I feel is guilt. The guilt for playing the role of a nice guy.
Taking a decision that affects other people is really hard for me, I really want others to see me as a good man, cause deep down I believe I'm really a bad person. I never stood up for the right, I usually couldn't find the difference between right and wrong. But there were moments I really understood what's the right thing to do. But I never stood up for that at those moments.
Now everything is different I don't know what's right and what's wrong. My existence has become very much invisible. If one throws a ball at me, I don't try much to change the direction of that. I don't want to deviate some process and answerable for it. All I want is just peace and happiness.
I know that one can't be peaceful and happy all the time, but I try to reduce the effect of sorrow. I don't want a sad stage. Nowadays things have become pretty easy for me, still not much. Whenver I worry on something, mostly I try to think about the state, and the feelings I'm having. I don't try to spend time on the real problem. At first I thought this is the right thing to do, I should focus on myself and I want to make me feel happy and peaceful at most times.
But me acting this way changed my reality a lot, I never tried to solve the problems. So the problem kept existing and turned into something really big. Something that affects my life, the outside world very badly.
Now I really doubt what people think of me, I tried to do things that gave me happiness and peace. Now I have become someone very different for the outside world to undestand.
I have lot of fears, I never tried overcome them. My fears are like I can't just stand near them. So I avoid a lot of things, things are that very important for a eperson to exist. At some moments I'm really proud of myselves, sometimes just the opposite.
The philosophies I believes in and the actions I am taking are at very different poles, they don't even mean anything. So I just get rid of those philosophies. I don't ask those question like what's the meaning of life and others now. Now I don't want to know the meaning, or even anything. I don't want to new movies or TV's. I don't even want to listen to new music. I fear even a small change like listening to a new track, all I want is this balanced state. Where each day is just same for me. I started very much liking this boring state. It's really an eventless life.