The bus only has few people, I sat around the middle part of it. It’s a hot afternoon, one of the boring parts of the day. I put the earphones in and started listening to music. I felt some kind of pain deep inside, it was always there. It usually comes at these lonely moments, it’s these daylight that brings memories. The memories of the people that I miss, some of them are chores at somewhere with a ton of thought of their own, some of them are not alive.
If someone asked me to tell a good or bad memory it’s still hard for me, cause I never put them under the list of good and bad. Even if it’s a good memory, it is also gonna come up with some sadness. They all are just memories.
But at these lonely moments, these memories come back and haunts me, it leads to some real sadness. A sadness that doesn’t have a cure, sometimes these people I miss were not even close to me that much. It’s this daylight that brings some peculiar details and converts that into a person.
It will always be about someone, more than his actions. It’s their characters and other small details that come to mind. Maybe my brain is fully wired with this kind of philosophy, maybe I’m searching for some kind of meaning in everything and trying to connect that to the ego I have.
I see this world as like I’m the center point of it, most of us have this kind of thought. But eventually, I realized that it’s better to avoid these thoughts and went to something more interesting and something that could relieve the pressure. I want to be no one, that’s something I’m trying these days. More than building a character, I just try to be adaptable to situations. The “I” doesn’t matter in the whole chaos.
When I try to get out of this “I” thought, there’s some patience and also some more clarification of the world. When I see myself inside the whole world, the problems are a ton and the minute this I have doesn’t matter. Maybe I could worry less about the momentary sadness that I have.
There’s also another side to the story, I kind of like the feel of this pain. I kind of love it, there’s something that addictive to this part. Even if the pain is there, there is also some kind of special feel to it. Maybe if that also doesn’t exist, I may be living a more boring life. Seriously, if there is no these kind of things, my life is empty. There are no other attachments or strong relationships. So most part of life is boring.
There are no big plans in my life, so I’m even lazy to think about the future, I less care about it nowadays. The main reason is that I don’t even know how to face that, It’s really uncertain. And I not much like this kind of a state, there is no need for big plans, but it will be better if there was something that could make me feel alive.
I don’t feel alive anymore, I’m just sleepwalking. It has been a long time since I have put some effort into something that I believe does matter. I have lost belief in everything, each activity I do feels very boring and unimportant. That’s what makes me stuck in this loop before I had things to do and I was busy. Now I am just doing nothing, now the lines from Shawshank Redemption come to my mind, “Get Bus Living or Get Busy Dying.”
And I now realize that’s the only way, so more than searching for solutions to my little problems, I could just try to do things on some other direction. The direction in which I believe in, something that could give me some kind of interest to go forward. The search starts here, I don’t know where it ends.