When you’ve battled intense depression for as long as I have, you don’t have hopes. Dreams have long faded away. The calm slipped into calamity. You’re left amidst nothing, but chaos. The emotions whirlpool you like the stormy seas. Tossed around like a helpless canoe that doesn’t really believe it'll outlive the storm, but clutches on for no reason.
The mind goes to its "Bad Place." It shuns everything, everyone away. You search for a moment of clarity, the calm of the storm. Yes there is a subtle calmness even in the raging storm, it's quite difficult to explain where the calmness is coming from. You frantically search for that.
This is not who I used to be. I had everything figured out when I graduated high school. I had all my Plans in place. But then, mistakes were made. I slowly started pushing my friends away.
Let me rephrase that. I slowly started pulling myself away from friends. Isolated myself in search of clarity, peace of mind. And after all these years, I'm still in the dark, searching for my peace of mind.
If I didn't become a doctor, I'm pretty sure I'd make a Hollywood class actor! You should see the way I fake a smile day after day, making it as real as humanly possible. No one sees the despair through the Facade, how I clutch on to just a single day at a time.
Yes, I know, I know. We as doctors tell our patients to look to the bright side, think positively, everything will be alright and countless other bullshit! But once you've stepped into these shoes of mental disruption yourself, you know it's a luxury to be focusing on hopes and dreams. I can only hope for some clarity, a little peace of mind. Is that too much to ask for?
This post is an entry to the BDCommunity Writing Contest, Week 4.
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That's all from me for now!
Until Next Time!
Peace!