For so long, I was in denial of being this particular type of human trash as when this self-realization had set in my hands started to tremble. I am a bully! I know I am. Being woke to me was always a superficial terminology used by wannabe philosophers. But now I know it is not. It is an actual state of the human psyche, as accurate as any other senses, and when it does come to pass, it shakes you to your core while taste buds curl up, and only a sour aftertaste is what's left behind.
People might say I suffer from a severe inferiority complex to say so, to label myself as such, to which I would say that doesn't make it any less true now, does it? Because if one were to define what bully as a label means, to find each and every atavistic stigmata that accompanies along with it, the things I have done, the things I say thinking of them being soo funny while giving myself a pat on the back is very much mutual to those. Throughout my life, I always thought of myself as that guy who takes into account the positive feedback loops surrounding him and changes his approach accordingly. Unfortunately, that is only a half-truth. I do take into account the feedback I get, only to discard them and evolve my unsavory actions while further delving deep into gross denial to inflict more misery upon those who don't deserve it.
But this time, I could realize , because, for once, I managed to tune into that same feedback loop. A subtle hint of my narcissistic tendencies gave it all away. Only moments ago, I was defending myself from something very straightforward and simple in nature. I inflicted harm upon someone with my contagious and hurtful jokes. I went on to defend myself at the expense of my morale. And just about when I was done, a slight flicker managed to enter into my conscience through that veil of denial, giving it all away. I am a bully! Oh, how unfortunate!
Like only a few days ago, I was making fun of one of my closest friends because he smelled. His clothes oozed the smell of rotten leather. I took my friendship with him for granted and kept making fun of him, never to realize that the scent that is unsettling to my nostrils is actually proof of hard work! This guy's father had left at a very early age. Since then, he had to fend for his keep with sweat and tears. While I had the luxury and privilege of paying my way through college while having the time of my life, this guy was making the chemical waste a leather factory produces only so that he could give his mother and sister what his father was supposed to. A life of peace. Even if this foolish gesture of mine seems mild and doesn't make me a textbook bully, then I don't know what will. Perhaps this story might.
A few months ago, this one friend of mine got himself entangled in a mess. He had a fight with a few younger kids over a girl, and in the skirmish, his right shoulder got dislocated. Those morons, how dare they touch my saint of a friend, eh! So we retaliated. Instead of taking legal actions, we took the matter into our own hands. And I personally made sure that vengeance was served by literally breaking down the front door of a house where one of those guys lived and beating him. All that for a friend who is as selfish as a rusty nail with who I was never that close with! And now, when I think about why I did that, the only reason that comes to mind is because of my innate ache towards violence. Because I am a…
I might get asked, why am I being this negative all of a sudden! A fact, no matter how it sounds, is a fact nonetheless. And the remorse that I feel right now is overburdening regrets that can't be erased by simple apologies. Even in this blockchain space, where testosterone and my hands couldn't lead me on, I still managed to bully people with my speech, all the while never realizing it. At this stage, I simply could say sorry to those individuals who I'm sure to have managed to hurt emotionally and move on. If only it was that easy! Even then, my sincerest apologies to them.
