July at last ... for six months I have waited and done only what I was medically advised to do with somehow asymptomatic but critically severe anemia, on the promise that if I did, I would be well enough by July to again do as I desired on my higher local hills-- and so it has occurred! My feelings are as bright about it as this delightful Turkish March by Beethoven -- who would have thought he had it in him (with a little help from Rachmaninoff and a few others who, through the next century, worked on this piano reduction of something he wrote for orchestra)!
I was so delighted to find this piece ... the perfect thing to be footloose and fancy free!
However, there is a caveat ... 90 percent recovered, not yet 100 ... July just started last week, after all, and I am not quite back into condition to do the kinds of climbs I was doing last year at will ... not yet ... it remains necessary to pace myself ... but in doing so, the Blessed Hand has met me with calm assurance that I am missing nothing in not overdoing... an old mask served as a nice-size cup for oodles of mini-cherries and cherry plums that I was able to pick near my house...
... and that reminded me and rewarded me for not getting too footloose and fancy free too soon ... June ended with heavy labors and the need to take serious rest afterward ... as much as a part of me wanted to get out into the summer, there was not the sense of pressure internally that there had been in previous years ... a discovery at the end of the spring that flowered out in the summer changed my view on life forever.
Discovering that bench ... I have walked across Alamo Square Park for years and years, but not until the late spring did I consider stopping to sit there ... even on my anemia regime I tended to slowly climb higher, and many times I sat in the sunshine near the top, enduring as much of the wind as I could, just glad to be able to go that high because the strength to safely do so was returning.
But then I realized those benches have trees behind them to the west, and that the nearest one to the street had three bushes and a tree behind and was perfectly wind-sheltered. Once I sat there, perfectly protected in warm sunshine while the wind raged all around me, then I understood what it meant to truly rest in love, and find it all I needed. That was the analogy I needed to open my mind and heart -- at last I understood.
Of course, this led to the Ghost of Musical Greatness Past making his shortest visit ever -- he was overjoyed!
Now you understand, mein goldenes Blumenkind, what I was showing you ... now you are availing yourself of the privileges you have ... How long I have waited for this day -- and with what desire -- how has my heart ached for you to at last understand the side of being loved, for up back of me, there is such willingness, such eagerness to protect and bless you, but I could not change the pace that you could receive it ... I did not know what day, or what year ... but I knew that you would get here! I knew it!
He almost shook Hayes Hill down ... all that work sizing his immortal voice down into safe Earth parameters, lost!
I must go back on high for a little while and give thanks, but I will return when I am calm enough for safety. I will see you next week!
But, no. I would not walk almost that entire next week, and apparently he could not get Earth clearance all that time ... I knew he was singing and singing and singing on high, though, because I dreamed of what no mortal ear can hear ... several times I dreamed of being at Ocean Beach, watching the sunset while a calendar rolled across the sky ... three years of light pouring into a vast ocean, though not quite thundering in the infra-bass ... more like a very intense contralto ... I knew he was recalling all that singing and teaching and walking and talking in terms of Löwe's "Meeresleucthen" ...
... for there many sunsets must give their light to the sea to hold until the holiest and stillest of nights, when at last the face of the sea would shine, all that light now showing where it was given. In like manner, when at last I came to a complete willing halt at the beginning of the summer, and rested, and had the experience of completely doing so even in the midst of one of the most vigorous windy days of the year, then all the light shown to me all those years at last clicked.
Sure enough ... midnight came, black and summer warm, spangled with the Milky Way for light ... the Knockout Zone was where I was even in my dream, for that was my visual for his voice beginning in hearing him in Brahms in November 2021 ... but then there was a light upon the sea ... like a bubble, but it slowly spread ... all was at last calm, and set apart, and the light spread all across its face ... and then, the midnight blushed -- Old Blush did his thing in an aurora of such intense crimson that it seemed as though sunset recurred, but then that color changed to mirror the same gold ... golden contentment and calm over sky and sea, both at deep peace in the same light. Several times I dreamed that.
However, as this week came in, I realized all was not quite quiet on the western front ... the auroras were becoming more and more intense, so much so that midnight and midday almost seemed to be embracing ... it occurred to me that the Ghost of Musical Greatness Past might be doing the human thing that we humans sometimes do and getting in his own way ... singing himself into a corner ... my guess was that he was anticipating rejoicing with me, and I knew he might be getting more excited because he had told me sometime before that ...
Now that you understand, I can love you even more ...
And he had shivered from the intensity of his pleasure at the thought, and almost started the Big One in San Francisco yet again! I thought to myself that it might be a good, long time until he might get clearance -- and I was half right. He visited before being cleared to walk with me to make that point ... I had been picking and eating fruit gratefully from the Blessed Hand in my walks as I have noted, but that was just on last summer's level. Not at all to be dismissed, but...
Now that you understand, I can love you even more ...
... so, this overjoyed individual, being six-foot-forever-and-a-half, picked an entire local plum tree at some point, because I came home to this ...
(It is as good an explanation as any. On the non-fiction side of the fourth wall, I have no idea who put out a whole box of freshly picked plums in my street, steps from my home, but when I saw that my neighbors had been passing them by for hours, I went and got those plums, enough for me to spread around for many days! Some messenger of the Blessed Hand, invisible to me, did that -- so, on the fictional side, it may as well be our favorite ethereal bass!)
But that caused me to think of something else ... for I had spent my hard week of work consistently starting out with sheltering in safe space and making sure I had the food, journal time, and peace among trees that I needed ... and I found that I could bless even more out of deep rest. That is, when I was called to forge into the wind to bless, I had the strength and could do it ... for the better part of my life I have done that well ... but when not called to such labor I could deeply rest, and from that, bless even more!
Meanwhile, the fanbase of K.M. Altesrouge in Golden Gate Park had been worried with his disappearance, and was also visited that one day, briefly ... and, since he was in a state of emotion that he could not entirely conceal from them, told them in one song as much of what was going on as they could understand.
"I don't know where he has been," one said, "but wherever it was, he was doing his best to sing us there!"
"He did not stay long today," another said, "for he is too much of a professional for us to ever let us see him coming completely apart, but he took us right to the edge in Wolf. You know how Herr is basically upgraded Mister, in German? You don't often hear Herrin, the upgrade for Mistress -- but I think we can safely assume for certain that we were right in October: Herr Altesrouge has indeed found his Herrin, and I think Wolf's song describes something of his journey from then to now ... all that time, going through whatever he had to go through within himself, and then finding the courage to communicate that to her. But surely, they are now on their journey together ... his face and voice, at the end of that last song, were that of a man who has found his peace in love."
"I wonder if we are going to get a wedding invitation!" a woman said.
"If he is wise as a performer, he will never do that -- starry-eyed women imagining themselves as Lady Altesrouge will do more for his bottom line," said the man with the explanations.
"Yeah, but, I don't think he cares about that kind of thing," the first man said. "He's making money hand over fist without even trying -- he's just blessing all around, and I think if he thought that it would bless us more to meet Herrin, he would do that -- but then again, we don't really know him like that."
"Herr Altesrouge is indeed adept at being away from the crowd when he wants to be," said the master explainer. "You would think with his prepossessing size and voice, he would find it hard, but he doesn't. Trees are immense. Golden Gate Park is vast, and the city is even bigger. A man intent on living a quiet and peaceful life here can be practically invisible, and so can his woman."
That was a lot to consider by itself ... since I am choosing to be die Einsame Frau, in essence the Solitary Woman in terms of romance -- I had not thought about being in a relationship which was to be seen for the blessing and hope of others, and otherwise practically invisible, although I was learning that for myself -- it was a possible natural extension of the thought. To be content to be seen only in the eyes of God, and then to find someone of the same mind to whom being seen by the beloved was such a bonus that there would be no need for external understanding except when called to be a blessing to others ...
Then I reconsidered, because that was the life I had lived for more than a decade with my grand old soldier. I just hadn't known what it was. Now, I understood that as well. He had been the Solitary Man, walking in his calling with God, for decades in the park ... and then I came along ... the preciousness of that from his perspective, because he knew, then, what a gift we had been granted ... I had to get away from the crowd there to weep ... that messed me up for a while, but in a good way ... when you realize you were always blessed apart, with those also called apart, for decades, but you needed to go around the mountain to see what it was before ending up right where you started ...
On a beautiful day of work this week, I was not feeling good about the project of the day, but felt exceptionally well physically, so I walked across Alamo Square to get where I was going, early enough to sit in the seat of blessing, eat, pray, journal, and get ready for what I thought was going to be a rough day ... but, no -- all the problems were smoothing out as I arrived, and all went well, so well that I had time to ride halfway up my "holy hill" ... my beloved Buena Vista Hill ...
... for the first extended ramble of the year. This is the first day that I could clock what anemia had slowly taken from my strength ... a double-hill walk would have been unthinkable without me even knowing why in December. But it is July ... a shudder of pleasure and spontaneous thanks to God came from me then, for I never suffered a day of illness such that I could not take care of my responsibilities, and not even that I could not ride to a place to sit and walk just enough so as not to put significant weight back on... but to feel well enough to put hours into walking again ... not sitting ... walking ... and here, on such a day!
I found summer overgrowing the evergreens that had so delighted in winter ...
... adding reminders of spring's blooms to trees that didn't even do all that ...
... and when I backed up and looked at that tree, I realized I had been given a whole new frame through which to view life...
... it still seemed almost unreal to me, so counterintuitive to everything I expected ... I had walked certainly toward the promise of Matthew 11:28: "Come unto Me ... I will give you rest," and certainly, to the saving of my life, I had found it true ... but to be here, and it be the actual place from which I would bless even more all around me, to the point that unless called I needed not step out?
"Yes -- ach, ja, ach, mein geliebtes, goldenes Blumenkind -- jetzt du verstehst!"
*Yes, my beloved, golden Flower Child -- now you understand!"
The Ghost of Musical Greatness Past materialized, and it seemed that he was almost on fire of gold -- it was a good thing it was summertime and there was dappled light, for someone passing that way would assume a ray of sunlight through that huge tree had lit him up. That was not the case. The light I had seen in my dreams of his intense joy was in his eyes, and all over him -- barely Earth-cleared, for even in his voice, that timbre was thrilling, and only because he had spoken softly in his double-deep range was it in bounds. Nor had he come empty-handed -- already, he had visited the plum trees further up the hill...
... and no doubt sung so sweetly to them that they had yielded him their ripest fruit for me to eat!
"It is a good thing I have a high traverse of the hill in mind today -- you look like you are going to need a walk to stay in gravity today," I purred.
He smiled.
"I knew also that this day would come, Frau Mathews, now that you are so near complete recovery. 90 percent is pretty good! I would fuss with you for old times' sake ... ."
I laughed, the memory of the previous year and especially the winter coming to mind.
"But not today ... ach, meine liebe Dame, ich bin so glücklich, so voller Freude!"
Again, he was keeping his voice soft, but it was still very, very close ... he was so happy, so full of joy ... I had dreamed of midnight embracing midday in the intensity of its golden auroras, and there he was, that voice in its double-deep range in person in the middle of the day with a brightness upon its depth that nearly met the sunlight ...
"To at last ... at last find you in this understanding, growing more radiant with health, well-rested and strong ... ach, meine liebe Dame, I can have no words to chide with you today! I cannot even remember the lesson I intended to bring you ... but I will as we go, presently ... a high traverse at a careful pace means we will have plenty of time."
"I would not have my sedate octogenarian pacing service remembering how to fuss at me," I said.
"Not this day, anyhow!" he said, and laughed.
But how ... back and forth across three octaves ... the beauty of his voice was taking me out, just laughing ... the midnight indeed was embracing the midday, for above the blue, the stars had become so bright that I could see them ... this whole new view was really getting elevated, given that to stand on a mountain that high, one would be well above Mt. Everest!
The thing about him ... he just stepped right up and embraced me there ... as if he had me where he wanted me all along ...
"Wir gewinnen, meine liebe Dame," he said. "Although you are more interested in music written in 1782, I remind you of a song that is only a year younger than you, your peer, that I bring back to your memory with the reminder about the title that love always does this ... ."
"You have known from a little child, Frau Mathews, for you remember hearing that as the theme from the movie also your peer, An Officer and a Gentleman, so you have always known that love uplifts ... at about that same time you were growing up in church circles that loved the hymn "Love Lifted Me" ...
"... so both in common grace and special grace, you were prepared upon your way to climb, led and lifted by Love Himself, all along, from every side. A certain German bass, the same age then as you are now, was also recording music that would help you a little later ... that he should be added to such a great move of love toward you ... ah ... ."
Now it is no good, at all, if the person holding you up gets into a state in which he is about to fall out -- or rather fall up -- so we broke Earth's gravity, and just had our own little orbit around the sun. In our little bubble, I heard what he was hearing in his mind ... before Wagner wrote the love themes that went with his Ring Cycle operas, he wrote a beautiful piece of music for his wife, for they had become father and mother with the birth of their son Siegfried, and Siegfried actually means "Victory Peace" ... so this was Wagner writing about how he felt, thinking of his wife and their family in "Siegfried Idyll."
Love, victorious, in joy and peace ... the song of my companion's heart ...
"For we are blessed and blessed, Frau Mathews ... wir sind gesegnet, und wir sind selig ... last summer, you learned that under duress ... blessed by decree, blessed to bliss ... and this summer, chose with no duress to rest in love ... even more blessed ... and that you have not forgotten this little old bass and still want him along on this new journey ... ."
"Of course I do," I said. "When in the summer of 2023 I did not have the grasp of all that I have learned from you since, I had chosen rest then, too, from anger and the bitterness that would go with it, on Buena Vista Hill ... and you helped me so much to understand that I was in a holy place there because I had chosen the holy path, and that I would be blessed for that -- of course had to change the song from "In these Holy Halls" to "On this Holy Hill," but ...
"I remember dropping the key to E flat from F, too," he said. "I'm not as young as I used to be."
It was my turn to laugh!
"But, Frau Mathews, even then, I sang in hopes that you would understand what you know now ... I am but a poor stand-in for the Love Who truly, even then, had received you into His protective embrace. In the summer of 2023 you had taken the step necessary to come to the understanding of this summer. Listen again, and remember the scene Mozart gave us, and remember being sitting where we will in a moment, though the wind blows strongly on the other side of the hill ... sitting choosing to take refuge from the angry, bitter passions that wanted control of your heart then, and realize how you were led to blessing, and how much ... was it not that summer that all that went into your fifth book was revealed to you?
"July 31, 2023," I said. "You are right -- I wrote through August and was done in September!"
"So listen again -- I'll even get back into the proper key for you, meine liebe Dame -- or rather, since we have now known Hugo Wolf, meine Herrin!"
I just closed my eyes and let the memories roll and my tears flow ... for yes, indeed, it was the summer of 2023 that I began to seek deep rest, and the gift given me, from that protected, holy place of choice, was a book that could give a measure of financial rest to everyone who heeded it -- Seizing the Crypto Bull Run for Financial Freedom. So out of receiving the blessing of rest, indeed, even then, not understanding, I had been equipped to bless at scales I cannot even know this side of eternity, because I don't know all of who has the book!
I remembered the day on the hill, alone, that had been the turning point ... all my burdens were lifted from me as I affirmed that though so many had failed me, the One Who loved me best and most never would, and He was enough ... He had so affirmed me with His presence that I had never been the same ... so then, later, when in December 2023 I heard that music that I shall only be able to write out in full on high, as that choir sang to me, "Come unto Me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest!" I knew Who had arranged that ... and being reminded of the promise, believed and had been receiving ever since. But I knew that I could from the summer of 2023 ... this beginning to the summer of 2025 was another gift flowing from that.
When I opened my eyes, I was being carried again to the very place I had been sitting when in the summer of 2023, my burdens were lifted from me...
... and once there, I was overcome with gratitude and thanks and praise to the One Who had led me, Who had kept me all those years of climbing, two more summers to fully understanding the gift of rest chosen for me, and the gift of being led to choose it, without duress. It is one thing to run to a place of refuge when times require it; it is another thing to say, "Here I will remain though well and strong; I have learned there is no place better for me that the world can offer, and thus, no better place to be in my strength, and no place in which I shall be more well. I am home." For a year, as this realization had been coming to me, I had been hearing "Welcome home" echoed as Wilkommen zu hause." Now, I heard it to the bottom of my heart, clearly ... all I could do is give thanks and praise.
It was some time before I came to myself, and then started a little to see my ethereal companion quietly glowing.
"I am so sorry!" I said.
"No apology necessary," he said. "There was no echo needed then; you heard and you answered! Secondly, I took the time to do what you cannot, and go back on high to give thanks, but was dispatched back just because you need to eat and drink a little before this traverse ... you got pretty close to tipping right on up with me on high by January, Frau Mathews, but now that we know what was undermining you while you were recovering from Covid-19, we must take even better care of you. 90 percent is not 100 percent yet, and even then, because your labors in your calling are so intense at times, we must still take care."
There was a time when my attitude would have been more along the lines of "this is a bit much!" But, the slow creep of anemia had taught me: every move of love to bless me was essential and necessary.
"Ich danke dir," I said as I was handed the fresh plums. "Ich habe wasser auch."
"Ich weiss -- sehr gut," he purred. "Indeed you have changed, Frau Mathews, and indeed I meant what I said. Love is infinite and eternal; there is no limit to its ability to bless. Now, I am finite, and so are you ... we are limited ... but there is plenty of room ... so that the more you understand, the more you can be loved ... and while I am just the echo, you will find me faithful to my duties -- and how I delight in those duties!"
His voice almost brought the stars out again as he cried out in his passion -- but he restrained himself with a smile.
"This also brings me to why I am not going to have to chide with you today: you have written enough to read in thirty minutes, and added enough music for close to an hour... ."
"I should have known on the fictional side of the fourth wall you were not going to let me get two hill walks in on the same day!" I said as I rolled laughing.
"As your sedate octogenarian pacing service, you know I am also always on post!"
"And as shrewd as ever!" I said, but was content to eat my plums, drink my water, and rest.
"I was not here last week, Frau Mathews, so I will return tomorrow ... I remember the lesson I have for you, and will go over it as we walk."
