One of the great joys of my life again, and a matter that fills me with gratitude, is that I have both time and strength, half a year past near-deadly asymptomatic anemia, to climb again.
So I returned with great joy at the verge of spring, to climb halfway up Buena Vista Hill, which I think of as "my holy hill," for in 2023 I went there in great agony of soul and chose not to give the person who caused it any more energy, because that person was not going to stop me from getting anything God had for me in life ... and when I realized that, I was overwhelmed with such joy and gratitude to God for being all I needed -- "Ich habe genug!" in Bach's terms -- that the healing from all things that troubled me into that year truly settled in. From there, it has truly been onward and upward -- the vastness of this prelude and fugue is quite a space to explore in the mind to fit the bill!
Still, I look back across the plain -- er, plane of existence -- I left behind, and if I were to widen that out a decade, it would truly be a great expanse to consider. A lot of what I left no longer exists any more ... and that was to be expected. Folly has a very high cost.
In noting this with deep regret, I recognized a pattern of my own that is harmful: I am not above, as a human being, the version of "What if?" that is "If only!" And I can play the game at a higher level than many, because I know the value of my work for those who have and are availing themselves of it, and therefore to those who are missing it. I worked out the exact amount one group in particular could have had. The number was big enough to make me sick at heart in this economy -- but it was also where I realized I have to stop doing this to myself.
What is done is done, what is undone is undone, and what can be done but will not be done by those refusing to do it is just undone in advance. The only thing I can rightly do is climb on, and look forward ... and there is so much to look forward to.
Something else I realized: just like me, everyone needs time and patience to learn, just like I did. What might seem like better to me at a given time might not be right for that person at that time because they are at a different place on their journey. What I can do is fix ropes and leave supplies and warn of adverse conditions to come if they are coming ... there has been so much of that ... but what I may not do is rob another of his or her own journey.
This is why ... I thought of it here at the end of the winter of 2026 at last ... this is why Schubert's Winterreise cannot end any other way. Not just because Wilhelm Müller the poet wrote what he wanted and Franz Schubert did not make substantial changes when he set them to music (and even those, my beloved bass Kurt Möll dared to change back to what the poet wrote on occasion). But the true testimony of human nature works out well ... the loss of his beloved is not the cause but the revelation of a character who cannot be saved. Song 9 settles it if it is not settled even before that: "Bin gewohnt das Irregehen" -- "I am used to going in error" --
-- and so when he can take no right path to safety by song 20, well, of course!
This echoes a prophecy made by Jeremiah long before: those settled into doing evil simply cannot of their own accord turn to good. The change of heart requires a miracle ... but I am not a miracle worker. Nor am I asked, rightly, to be ... I am asked, but not rightly, and I have been determining in my heart, these past three years, not to answer those calls for those who are not ready to move toward better for themselves. No miracle will be provided when what is required is for you to walk toward what is for you.
Schubert set that to music too ... a man in a foggy ground sees the light of Heaven afar, and a boat with all sail set when he has gone to the shore toward that light -- no miracle will save him, but only to get in the boat provided. The miracle actually was that, in that fog, he got enough of a glimpse to move on faith -- all the rest of the way, it is not a miracle but a move required.
I have recently posted "Aus Heliopolis 1" ... a talking heliotrope is a miracle of information ... but all the rest requires the journey to get where one is going ... and that required two songs to complete until finally, the top of the hill is reached after one last climb through a great storm -- out into the sunlight in the city of the sun, where the company of those who made the journey awaits!
Mine was not that serious a climb, I must say ... but this day was the first of a climb halfway up Buena Vista Hill for more than a year. And, fitting to my situation, I was there all alone.
But once there, I realized I had left the burden of the years in the metaphorical valleys behind me ... and was able to rest from it. There is still plenty of hill ahead of me to climb ... but the journey of this whole winter, to understand how to leave the past behind, is done.
To leave the winter right ... the Benedictus from Beethoven's Missa Solemnis is such beauty and peace, with poignancy... it fits well, and of course this has my favorite musician singing and Leonard Bernstein conducting ... a blessing to end the winter and welcome the spring!
(The timestamp is 57:10, but you are welcome to listen to all of the rest, and all of it if you wish!)
