Photos by the author, Deeann D. Mathews on March 11, 24, 25, and 27
Perspective... Bach on a day when he was just in that G minor mood of "You know what? I know that a lot of this subject is repetitive, but it's what I'm doing. They'll figure it out why in the 21st century!"
When the whole tempest in a teapot that your old friends want you to take on has DISSOLVED, entirely, in a mere ten days ... and you stood behind an iron wall of silence and did not even waste energy responding, and now are watching the people who did come to terms with how unnecessary all the noise they wanted me to add to was ...
When certain among them are basically having tantrums because they still want to pull you into whatever and are learning what yelling at an iron wall and beating their fists against it ever louder and ever harder is NOT going to do for them...
When certain ones not permitted to return from 2022 and 2023 are tapping around that iron wall to see if maybe they can find a chink ...
This is not what I expected to bud out in the spring ...
....but I was prepared. Bach in B minor for the spring energy nobody expected -- the minuet and the badinerie both had me in a dancing mood!
I am the Iron Woman. I use to hate that about me. Not any more. I would rather show up in the gentle generosity of spirit that is my main trait, of course, but I learned: it took iron resolve to leave situations that were not safe for me, iron resolve to keep going forward and not back, and now, iron resolve to meet the opportunities of a new kind of life and refuse to be pulled back to any semblance of the old one. In a warmongering world, it takes iron resolve to keep the peace. Refusing drama, old and new, takes iron resolve in a drama-mad world. I already know that I have that, and I love that about me, at last. 2024 showed me possibilities of a life of peace that I could not have imagined possible, even in the midst of heavy responsibilities and at last, rolling into 2025, discovering why the rest I was being guided into was so utterly necessary.
Now I have to keep the peace, with iron resolve, because it is still necessary for me and those to whom I am called. Many people know about my iron side on behalf of others ... now, I am comfortable in using it to protect me, too.
In my very last walk of the winter I walked to my local pharmacy and back ... pushing the limits of what I can do now for distance and height with a few blocks up hill ... I was called up to make a discovery that I could not otherwise have made, and then sat in a little mini-park section there to thank God and rejoice for the discovery and rest ... thus in route to have passed a number of my favorite local stores, and even to be within a block of Alamo Square Park at the top of the hill ... only to complete my walk and go home without having spent a dime except for the needs that I had gone to the pharmacy for ... a mirror image of my first winter walk during the holidays, seeing so many beautiful things, with nothing that I needed, and even the want gone ... I was so filled with the simple joy of being alive and having come to peace that I was full ... needing nothing in the world than walking with the One Who had called me, away from crowds and consumerism ...
This all came to mind in my last walk, when even in sight of both Alamo Square and Golden Gate Park I kept going straight home ... the necessity of further iron discipline, of doing exactly what I was called to do and no more... I had that lesson before too, in the summer and the winter ... once after Covid, once after learning of the severe anemia ... but this was a bit more intense ... the trees of my favorite places in the world were in their baby spring greens, and a block away both times ... but I understood the deepening of the lesson, and went only toward home ... and then found out: I had found my limit, for a block from home, I suddenly felt how tired I was. Now that I am healing, and not adapting, the limits have to be respected. Home, and rest, were my blessing after a deepening experience of discipline, lifted by joy and gratitude that I made it home within the absolute limits of my strength.
So then, spring arrived with its first two 70-degree days EXPEDITIOUSLY, and I Blumenkinded out for the first of those without regret to boldly seize an opportunity no one of my circle has ever seized before!
Something to understand about the neighborhood: I had gotten specialized shoes in it as a little girl so I could walk today, but had only been back twice since ... my business life brought me back over there, and I was still as much an exotic flower there as I was as a little girl. In these times in which open bigotry is again a thing in the United States, I deliberated for some time about going back, and then decided to stand courageously on the fact that I am not the problem -- bigotry is, and go forth.
I went ... it was a bit unnerving at first ... I've never been in a financial institution where you have to sign in at the desk and be called to set up stuff ... the security state in some neighborhoods is real, because there was this setup at the high-end community center across the street and the college campus right up the hill ... just a mile or so from San Francisco's infamous Billionaires Row ... you had better look like you know what you are doing as an African American in such parts of the city!
But, I carry myself like a queen everywhere because I am, adopted by God the Father and thus little adopted sister to His Son, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords ... heiress even on earth of some of the greatest women in history ... even LOCALLY! The African American women who are my direct and mentor forebears came to a city that did not and does not want us here, and built things no one had built before. They were all women of iron resolve. So am I, and it so happens that my skin is loving this early spring sunshine... gold-plated iron, mind you...
... so I went and radiantly did all the things I needed to do and discovered other things I might also do while taking care of business on that side of town.
On the fictional side of the fourth wall where of course these events happen in parallel consideration of my real life, I passed a bookstore that was there when I was that little girl getting special stores ... in Chapter 11 bankruptcy ... in the real world, I went in there and did my bit to make sure they will make it out and stay open ... but on the fictional side, this was being taken care of ... halfway down the block I could hear the most beautiful, deep, rich male voice, speaking English with a notable German accent. The voice in its joy had filled up the shop and was not only coming out the door, but drawing passers by in, and thus helping to save the store ...
"This is ideal ... my dear friend is on such a journey of self-discipline that while she graciously accepts the sweet treats I love to buy her, I know she would prefer I not ... but in here I have found something that great intellect of hers will find even sweeter: applicable knowledge in a field of interest!"
I was glad to hear that because there were all kinds of places with sweet treats on this street, and I was resolutely walking past them ... but I do love a good book, over and over again!
I went right around the curious crowd -- gave them something else to look at while going -- and kept going, because apparently this was supposed to be a surprise -- he had not accounted for the massive resonance of his approximation of his mortal voice not being containable in such a small space, nor that I would pass at that moment. Now he was tall enough to maybe spot me out of the corner of his eye ... but I wasn't going to spoil his plans by spotting him out just then.
The next day was just as beautiful, and I Blumenkinded out again but with a slightly deeper vibe ... green with pink on top, like blooming spring ...
... and although I greatly desired both Blue Heron Lake and Buena Vista Hill, I knew temptation might overcome me to overdo at either place, so I contented myself to do what I refrained from doing before March 15 ... skipped the bus and walked almost all the way up Buena Vista Hill to find a sunny seat ...
... left off the tippity top because I found the perfect spot before getting there...
.... and made myself comfortable in the sunshine...
... and, in due time, the Ghost of Musical Greatness Past came up the hill at about the time I finished my journal entry, boldly wearing a blue steel summer suit to match my equally summer-like choice of a sun dress. His hiking poles were steel gray as well.
"Iron Queen requires Steel Knight, Frau Mathews."
"Well, tell me anything in a voice like that," I said as I started laughing. "I see you simply cannot wait until your birthday with the foolery!"
He paused a moment, and then dazzled me with his smile ...
"I wasn't kidding, meine liebe Dame. That is a statement of fact -- think back over recent lessons, and then over the past 20 years!"
Of course, instantly, my grand old soldier came back to mind.
"Remember who you are, Frau Mathews. You were not playing a queen when you queenly went and handled business yesterday. Remember Who has called you, and thus Whose daughter you are. I am not kidding you. I am reminding you, because you internally running away from the bad ideas of royalty need not distract you from the reality of who you are."
He sat down and pulled his matching bag off his back.
"I would have loved to have a little celebration with some coffee and cake, but, I respect your preferences, particularly since you cannot do the walking you would like to do. Have a look here, my dear, at how the other half of the crypto world lives."
"Oooooh!" I said, and he rolled laughing.
"See, if I had known I would hear that, I would have started with books a long time ago!"
He just rolled the laughter in my direction with that, of course.
"Vielen Dank!" I said. "Ich werde das Buch gerne lesen!"
"Your German is getting better -- besser immer besser, for I notice you are checking for the cases now, Frau Mathews."
"It's sort of like learning subjects and objects and possessive forms in English, and I was an English teacher, so that helps a little," I said. "English retains the basic idea in a more subtle way so, I'm wrapping my mind around it, slowly. Superprof and the Goethe Institute are in my future, but right now ... ."
"Right now, you are forging ahead into new ground," he said. "I did come down to meet you, but, you had no need of me -- it was enough that you walk and talk with the One Who called you to return as more than a conqueror through that whole stretch, and see all He has for you there, in reward of your trusting bravery! I content myself, Frau Mathews, as merely the echo."
"My dearest Echo Knight," I said, and he smiled.
"Mein geliebtes Eisenblumenkind," he said. "My Iron Flower Child ... I am rolling two of your nicknames together and could roll more, but I need to give you a bit more time to prepare for the full, awesome power of German in compounding words!"
"I've seen some of those," I said with a chuckle. "I knew I was serious about the language when I didn't run away screaming from one of those with about ten words shoved in there. Let the casual student beware: German is not for C-Grade efforts!"
He laughed.
"Which is why you still have such memory of the language 20 years later, Frau Mathews, and can still think out a decent simple sentence at will, and even working alone can slowly pick up the cases and how to make a few shorter compound words. German is not a casual language, and you are not a casual person, so it is sufficient challenge for you, with the music and the history, wrapped together. It is also a path that few people in San Francisco would follow you into, given the importance of Spanish and Chinese, although German is subtly quite important to the city's history. You have been working to get away from the crowd into deeper things and rarer company since before you were an adult, Frau Mathews."
I had to consider this for a long moment ... he was right ... since age 16.
"So, tell me this, Frau Mathews -- what did you think about the levels of security you encountered along your journey?"
"I was surprised, not to say unnerved because I just don't let myself to do that," I said, "but it is sort of analogous to those ten-level German compound words: you either are serious about what you are doing or you don't do it. New York City struck me exactly the same way the one day I was there, and the college I was visiting was like unto it. Show fear, and everyone knows you don't belong and will treat you accordingly -- but my attitude is if I am there, I belong."
"Which is exactly why you are in places and rooms others cannot get into and cannot stay in even if you bring them," he said. "What you young people call imposter syndrome often overwhelms people, and indeed, showing fear will make one a target for those who want an easy win. But woe be to the fool who tries that with you, Frau Mathews!"
He laughed and glowed up tremendously ... he was playing it cool like the blue steel he had on, but still...
"You like a calm approach, and that was another reason I waited a day ... I was just a little excited for you yesterday, Frau Mathews -- just a little -- and was ready to teach you how to improvise a dance for that badinerie right in the middle of California Street and let the traffic wait! You picked the right piece of Bach for that day, I tell you!"
"OK, the minuet we could work with, but that last movement?" I said.
"Well, if we can work with Beethoven and his scherzos, just understand Bach was ahead of him, only in French."
"Wait, what?"
"Go back and listen to Bach's Badinerie and Beethoven's symphonic scherzos -- particularly that of his Seventh Symphony -- and pick up the character of Beethoven's work, and compare -- Beethoven learned more from Bach than many realize!"
"Well, I'll be -- I mean, clearly it's Beethoven, but in terms of the type of joke and the movement of that first section -- you're onto something here -- the opening downward motion and the grouping of three notes although the rhythm and meter is different -- Beethoven used the Italian term, but, yes, I hear what you are saying!"
He was tapping his feet and singing softly along with the bass line ... I just knew I was going to get swept up and around Alamo Square Park at some point, in either French or Italian by a German ... but the old ethereal professor was pacing himself ... he was verging upon being overjoyed, but had an important lesson to convey, and chose Lö we to make his next point.
"Again, Frau Mathews, this information is not casually available, just like many of the places you were working in and passing yesterday. We have had a version of this lesson before ... I humbly allow my elder peer Manfred Schenk to bless your ears with "Meeresleucthen" again, with the commentary that although we know today that the phenomenon of sea light is quite different than the giving back of many sunsets in the sea as the poet described them, the sea conditions to make the observation are accurate, so when the song says only on the holiest and stillest of nights can one be blessed with this sight, that is to be noted, and I think Manfred Schenk does one of the finest interpretations with that in mind."
"Now, that's a bass with some confidence," I said. "That slow speed plus the range lets you hear all of his voice, all the ins and outs, and yes, he does sound like he is singing to us of a holy, still night ... not quite at 'Stille Nacht, Heilige Nacht' level, but he gets it."
"He does indeed," Herr Schenk's younger peer purred. "If you wondered where I might have gotten the idea of that much slower speed in recital than I recorded it, now you know where it might have come into my mind, because clearly, that was not how Cord Garben and I rehearsed it! Herr Schenk's slow pacing and gentle approach lets us hear him sing and also hear the point of the song!"
"And all of the sudden, in process, you caught up with your big brother in bass, eh?" I said. "It is as good an explanation as any for that most remarkable live performance ever that nobody planned!"
"And the tragedy is, I don't remember if I thought fast enough after that recital to explain all that to Cord Garben -- could have pinned it on Manfred Schenk if I had been a bit more like the villains I've played, but, opportunity missed!"
He had me cracking up before returning to his serious point.
"Everyone in Germany does not live by the sea, or would have time or occasion or interest in making the journey to the natural phenomenon -- so, this is a case of something not being casually available owing to rarity of phenomenon. The song implies that you first have to know what is happening every sunset, and the fact that the waves make a wild grave for light that they will only give back on a still and holy night ... but the sea does not have many of those, so you would have to be available and watchful, over a long period of time, to experience this ... and to the extent that holy first means "set apart," one has a set apart night and a set apart person who would adjust their life to seek it."
"It is not unlike 'Versunken' in Brahms in that respect," I said. "A more subtle echo of the same idea."
"Both, Frau Mathews, are echoes of something far deeper," he said, and went into the most solemn, reverent pacing of the double-deep range of his voice. "'Ask, and it shall be given unto you. Seek, and ye shall find. Knock, and it shall be opened unto you.'"
I suddenly realized we were off in far deeper waters than I thought.
"Those are promises, Frau Mathews," he said to me. "English hymnody has people singing 'Standing on the Promises' every Sunday, but it is an entirely different thing to actually stand and walk on those promises. That is an entire lesson in itself, but I need not teach you that: you have done it for 28 years, and I only remind you.
"I return to our main matters for today, Frau Mathews, by saying that even in terms of natural phenomenon that are rare, they are not casually available -- being in the right place and the right time can be a matter of chance for some, but for those who want to understand and go deeply into them, the choice to be in the right place and the right time requires a change of life. Buena Vista Hill is a rarity, a sand dune frozen in place before swallowing Market Street over the course of time -- millions of people have been up as far as Haight Street, but far fewer have ventured to the top, Frau Mathews. That requires a change of intention and life. Mt. Eiger in the Alps has a train going up now ... but climbing that north face is an entirely different matter. Level that up again for the north face of Mt. Everest ... and still again, for the north face of the Mariana Trench, and once more, for the north side of the moon."
"That escalated quickly," I said, and he smiled.
"These things do often do upon examination, mein geliebtes Eisenblumenkind."
The Iron Flower Child ... that, too, would constitute a rarity.
"Now, in the everyday world, mein geliebtes Eisenblumenkind, there is an inverse relationship that I now make you aware of. You went to do some things that are rare deeds in your family and community circle, but that is nothing new. You re still alone on Hive despite your best efforts, and what defeats people so often is the learning curve of crypto, and then Hive's onboarding, and the fact that you did not arrive at getting any kind of reward worth speaking of the first week or the first month, or even consistently in the first year. Hive, and the two neighborhoods you walked through, are easily reachable, but accessing their benefits requires determination most do not have.
"Hive perhaps by accident demonstrates what many of the buildings you entered demonstrate on purpose: too secure for casual availability. The inverse relationship is as follows: generally,the more well-secured a thing is, the less casually available, and the more casually available, the less secured."
I had to think about this for a long, long time, because African women who were my foremothers were brought here to be the most casually available human beings in history, and that set the expectations for their daughters to this day even to themselves and their brothers.
"To be free, Frau Mathews, involves being able to choose what you want to do and experience, and among the choices one can make, not being casually available is what you have been more and more choosing.
"I make the point of casually available because you have made yourself so deeply available to those you are committed to. You are not a casual person, so you do not even understand how so many people move with such lack of deep concern in and out of the lives of people -- if we were to speak here of Martin Bueber, you are a person who understands and pursues I-Thou relationships in a world in which people are used to treating and being treated in I-It relationships. You see other people as people, not objects, so you take their thoughts and feelings seriously. But the world will not adjust to please us -- the best we can do is not to let it adjust us, and one of the ways we do this is not to be casually available to those who have no intention but to treat us as things.
"I have waited four seasons to say this to you, Frau Mathews, mindful last spring that you were just healing from the terrible wounds you took trying to do all the right you knew ... you were just in bud again, mein geliebtes Blumenkind, and the moment was too delicate."
A look of deep emotion came over his face as he remembered ... concern raised to a level of intensity that was almost painful, followed by equally intense tenderness, followed by resolve -- he set his jaw, and his eyes flashed, and his voice took on its utmost gravity.
"I cannot protect you with anything other than the whole truth, and here it is, Frau Mathews. Indeed, 'It is more blessed to give than to receive,' and all your life, so many around you have lived on the fact that you know this, without you consciously realizing that they clearly forget it when it comes to giving to you. The command to one to 'give, and it shall be given unto you' is to all, and those who are selfish and take and take and take are in rebellion. Far be it from you, Frau Mathews, to enable their rebellion -- 'Be not partaker in anyone's sins.'"
Well, that too had escalated quickly.
"Before, you did not realize, and you certainly have paid a high enough price for not knowing," he said more gently. "I continue to admire and be amazed at how lacking in callouses you are at 44 ... how you still are willing and wanting to love freely ... how you have disciplined yourself, not even yet fully understanding what I have just told you, in walking away from those who would use your love and ability just to continue in their foolery, as you say it, and in redirecting your deep love into those to whom you are truly called."
He paused for a moment, and then blushed a little.
"I marvel that you chose me as an example, but you are indeed catching up to me at the same time in life -- I marvel, Frau Mathews, that you noted about me how deeply I gave to those around me and loved me back across the gap of death itself because you saw in me someone who could be safely loved. For surely I did pour out my heart on the stage, and sought to bless everyone around me ... but, Frau Mathews, as a composer, you would have been in grappling distance of me had we been peers. That is what you don't see, which is why you also don't see I could not have been casually available and been so proficient for so long.
"I am not quite as great a singer as you think I am, for I know there were so many greater than myself, but my best required me to marshal my time and energy carefully. There were a lot of conversations I simply could not have for the sake of my voice and my energy both physically and emotionally. There were a lot of people in need as there always are and will be, and it was a big deal for me to move to Munich from Cologne with that on my mind.
"I will never, not for all eternity, utter a word against the people of Buir, my own village, or Cologne, my first big city that came up from the ashes of World War II -- they gave me the foundation I needed as a human being to become all of who I did. My gratitude to them is eternal! Thus I leave to your excellent mind to determine why I moved -- and never moved back."
"There is no one like one's affinity group to expect you to always be available," I said.
"Especially when you consider growing up in a world that has been destroyed ... we have that in common ... as a boy I dreamed of being an industrialist, of rebuilding Cologne with my own hands ... I wanted to build a better world for all those I loved to live in ... ."
Tears suddenly overflowed his eyes.
"I do understand, Frau Mathews, how deep the desire goes to love one's first beloveds, and what we would do if we could ... but we can only rightly do what we are called to, and no more. I was called to sing, and to a level higher than Cologne could support, so when I learned, I had to go to where I was called to be, where I would be given to as I needed to be in order to give as I was called to give."
"I have done the same thing, just without physically moving," I said.
"But you have ... you are here, not on Web 2, not in the heart of the busyness of the city ... you came up here. You have taken the years since the pandemic and made incredible moves -- and are you not on the verge of several more?"
"I do keep moving," I said.
"You must, Frau Mathews -- no matter who may not follow you -- I taught you last spring that there is no bridge, and I add now, nor can there be! You must walk, abide, adorn, appear, appropriate, associate, and affirm all that for which you are called -- you must, and when you think of rest, think of resting of all that is not for you! How have you kept moving forward, the anemia undermining you all the while -- would you have made it, still casually available to those of former years?"
"I would be in my alto seat on high," I said.
"And you may not come there until called -- so --!"
His voice was getting up there, but he restrained himself. This was someone who could be heard over full orchestras in great halls in just his mortal voice, so in immortal voice, even approximating his mortal range, he really had to be careful with me. I have only listened to his Monterone from Rigoletto once -- it gave me heart palpitations!
"So," he continued, his voice even and controlled in his middle-low range, "what you have done, and what you are doing, and what you must do, is save your life, with all your iron resolve!"
Though he had controlled his voice, his eyes and face had flamed up in his intense passion ... had he still been in mortality, his blood pressure would have been doing some numbers that might have taken him into immortality anyhow. This was a good time for a Bruckner allusion ...
"Dein Stimme zum mein Herz," I said. "Ich höre Sie."
Your voice to my heart ... I hear you.
"I know you do," he said, "which is why I have to be all the more careful never to make you regret offering me the privilege. I am here to reinforce, not undo, your iron nerves ... you have had trouble enough these years."
I leaned my head into his shoulder.
"My dear master singer, you know that you don't have trouble with anyone, and I am learning that from you, so of course we don't have trouble with each other."
He looked down into my eyes and started laughing.
"Don't you think the day is hot enough, Frau Mathews?" he said. "I am already worked up, and here you come with your darling head on my shoulder, and that sweet purr, and those two deep eyes -- and you know San Francisco is not trying to have another Great Fire!"
I did an entire siren from D3 to D6 and back, and he rolled laughing and then stopped -- jumped from surprise -- and cried out, "I knew you had another octave up there, Frau Mathews -- I knew it -- that's the D above soprano high C!"
"Oops, my soprano secrets are out ... I'm a contralto with an extended higher range, like I know this bass with the extended higher range ... ."
"I await the day, Frau Mathews, that you have come to the support you need, as I did, and you will get there! I know you will -- you must! The One Who has called you is faithful! I await the day, and on that day, on high --!"
He had not meant to do it, but he had bounded from G2 to G4 -- nailed that G4 on "high" -- still in the approximation of his mortal voice, and was on the verge of breaking all the way out, all the emotion of the past several minutes having been transmuted into intense anticipatory joy.
"I feel like it is time for us to figure out how to dance a badinerie," I said.
That was all the invitation he needed ... so, back to Bach ... and around the top of Alamo Square as the sea breeze at last kicked in ... as if on the wings of that spring sea breeze, I was carried upon that joy ...
After that, the breeze that announced the return of cooler weather was indeed blowing robustly on the hill.
"I must get you home, Frau Mathews ... but thank you much ... Vielen Dank ... Habe Dank!"
"The pleasure was mine," I said, and he danced me clear down that hill!
"Don't you think you want to save some high spirits for next week?" I teased.
"This sedate octogenarian will get into his rocking chair on high for the week and find some energy!" he said.
"You mean, he will probably be bouncing off the heavenly choir room, making sure things are indeed foolproof on April 1, and probably not sit down or stop singing right through next Thursday," I said.
"I must say you have gotten to know me, Frau Mathews ... I freely confess that you are most likely right!"
"Oh well," I said. "I like happy endings and non-endings too!"
