All my life I ran. I hid. Who I am. How I felt. There were a lot of things I needed to say but I was afraid no one would be listening. And I spent a lot of time overthinking things and barely speaking up.
Source
I don't know why this evening turned out this way. All I know is I stepped out for just a few minutes to buy something and I got caught up in a heavy downpour. By the time I got home, half of my bed had been soaked because I did not close the windows. The three books I started reading this week which I left on my bed were all wet too.
I was mad. I was angry. I hate rain. I do not like wet places. They make me uncomfortable. All I wanted to do was pull over and go to bed. But then I remembered I haven't checked in with my friend about what my post should be about today. I decided to see what his question was before I finally give in to anger.
I saw the question and I chuckled. "I don't remember the incident that made me start speaking up", I said to myself. And that's exactly what I wanted to share with him. At that moment, this was of course the truth, as much as I could remember.
Not knowing the universe had different plans for me, I pull a stop and decided to respond to a comment/reply from a blog on Hive and the conversation led to YouTube. While I previewed the link of the video he sent, my eyes caught one of Barbie's songs that I knew back to back.
I clicked play and before I knew what was happening, I sang along without mistakes, I remembered every line, and all of the memories I built around that song during the days I was learning the lyrics as a teenager came flooding back.
It was that period in my life when I questioned my existence. When I questioned whatever it was I was doing with my life. I was able to connect to this particular Barbie song because I could relate to having a lot to say but I was afraid of what might happen.
I was afraid that I will lose my breath, and that people will turn away from me when I started living my truth.
To crown it all, while taking shelter in one of the stores in the neighborhood before the rain subsided, I had clicked on a blog post that I bookmarked two years ago on my phone, and I was reading stuff that told me to step out and push past the boundaries that I set for myself. The author told me to stop being afraid and throw those big doors open. For it's only when I do that I will be able to figure out what's out there for me.
I started living my truth when I decided enough is enough. And something did trigger it. It was my last love relationship before the current one that I have. I stepped out and started indulging in sensual writing and my partner did not like that. He wanted me to take cover and hide it. To be the good girl he met because he had a reputation to protect.
I did not know when I snapped and went ahead with his ultimatum. He asked that if I was to continue writing sensual stuff, then we should break up. I accepted. It must have shocked him. I don't know. All I know is that I felt free, and in the months that followed, I sharpen my sensual writing skills and built my following.
Like Barbie, I played by everyone's rules for too long, and I decided I wasn't going to back down anymore nor allow my fear of not being accepted to get to me and stop me from reaching my full potential.
It was a step in the right direction because the spice and icing on the cake of my present relationship have everything to do with my sensual imagination. I do not just write on paper, I live it, and my partner loves it.
If you are reading this and you are still afraid to step out and be yourself. Then, you are doing yourself a disfavor. Step out and live your truth. You won't regret this.