During certain phases, music is my go-to
Not just because I love a good tune to dance my ass off simply because it feels so good. Nope, also because I still have so much trauma healing to do. I wish I could say that's all behind but I guess I have to accept that fully healing may not happen ever at all, I don't know, maybe it's just best to lower the expectations so I won't get too upset about it. Acceptance that this is a part of me is probably the easiest way to deal with it. I know every year that certain periods are hard on me emotionally, and my boyfriend just reminded me about that it's repeating itself every year as well so I guess it is true. I'm partially making 2023 about focusing on my healing process. I will try to avoid to ignore the feeling I rather ignore and face my demons instead. This is the start of that healing process.
I'm using music for good vibes as well as healing at the moment
Every day I force myself to put on some music that makes me feel like dancing and make sure that I have some hips moving through the room for a while while singing along with the nice Spanish lyrics that I seem to master quite well in some cases. Sometimes I have no clue what I'm singing but the lyrics at least show me I'm singing it correctly, haha.
The other thing is that I need it to heal at the moment. I have felt lost and wondering where to go with my emotions lately and just a talk is not doing it for me. I need more, usually it means that I have to feel the feelings I need to feel to trigger something so that I can write about it for myself or in a blog post and feel a bit lighter. This time it started as per usual but I also got inspired by 
Pushing through
I know that I often will not go as far as I should and repeat the same trigger over and over again, to get stuck and not really get anything done while I know if I push a little more, I will get some good stuff written down. I can now say that after some days of pushing myself, I wrote the intro as well as the the first part of chapter one. I have added some tasks to my schedule for this week as I want to have some good first draft of a few chapters finished by the end of this week.
One of the songs that I listen to
Is Rihanna ft Calvin Harris - We found love. Here's how the video starts:
Video Intro:
It's like you're screaming, and no one can hear
You almost feel ashamed, that someone could be that important
That without them, you feel like nothing
No one will ever understand how much it hurts
You feel hopeless, like nothing can save you
And when it's over and it's gone
You almost wish you could have all that bad stuff back
So that you could have the good
What this song does to me:
I didn't only feel ashamed that someone treating me like this could be that important, I felt so ashamed that I felt I was nothing without him. The person shattering my brain by totally mind controlling me and taking advantage of me in many ways made me feel as if it was my fault that he would use his fists to knock me down. He liked it that I didn't give up right away, I kept standing up and he kept knocking me down, psychically as well as emotionally.
I honestly don't know what kept me going, I felt I had nothing to live for every day, over and over again. I just turned 18 and immediately he took advantage of me by making me sign things to get into debt. If only that was the worst part, even though I got reminded of this debt and him for more than a decade, the monetary abuse was peanuts compared to the rest.
I learned later in life how psychopaths go to work and even though I'm not a psychic, dealing with 2 of them in my life, both scoring extremely high on the list of the psycho test, I know he was one, and too bad for me, this one was not the most dangerous one I had in my life, that one walked in to have two children with me years later, thriving and feeding on what the first one already took from me. Knowing exactly how to trigger me and how to make sure I was his puppet for several years.
The difference between them was that Psycho 1 was totally obsessed by me from the moment he met me and wanted me for his personal pleasure as well, while Psycho 2 was on a mission to break me and got most of his pleasures elsewhere as soon as I was pregnant. I think it sounds weird but in a way I'm glad he cheated, I don't know what other horror would have happened with him otherwise as he was out to hurt me on a whole other level than the first one.
I was addicted to the first one myself, and this one had a longer lasting impact in terms of what he broke inside and also the feelings I feel when I have these healing periods I go through. One literally made me feel lovesick and the other showed me pure evil and there is not one happy moment that I can recall in a way that I can remember moments how I felt adored by the first one. The two of them went in the relationship with totally different intentions.
Lyrics Source
The reason this song helps me heal is on one hand the intro of the video, knowing that I'm not alone in this feeling, others experience this too. I felt alone and not understood for a long time back then, and that added to the longer healing process as others didn't seem to see what tornado hit me and that this was not a relationship to move aside and move on without it affecting me for decades to come. I sure had no clue about this either while living through it and knowing all the details. How the heck could someone else know?
The other reason it helps me heal is because it has this happy tune in it, I feel like dancing while hearing it and it also connects me a bit with that relationship because of it as he was the one showing me a totally different genre of music to dance on. He showed me the love for harder styles than hardstyle, we were not supposed to be together as it was toxic but I'm grateful that he unlocked this other passion for music that I didn't know until I met him.
We found love in a hopeless place..
[Verse 1: Rihanna]
Yellow diamonds in the light
And we're standing side by side
As your shadow crosses mine
What it takes to come alive
[Pre-Chorus: Rihanna]
It's the way I'm feeling, I just can't deny
But I've gotta let it go
[Chorus: Rihanna]
We found love in a hopeless place
We found love in a hopeless place
We found love in a hopeless place
We found love in a hopeless place
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JVKE
[Instrumental Drop]
[Verse 2: Rihanna]
Shine a light through an open door
Love and life, I will divide
Turn away 'cause I need you more
Feel the heartbeat in my mind
[Pre-Chorus: Rihanna]
It's the way I'm feeling, I just can't deny
But I've gotta let it go
[Chorus: Rihanna]
We found love in a hopeless place
We found love in a hopeless place
We found love in a hopeless place
We found love in a hopeless place
[Bridge: Rihanna]
Yellow diamonds in the light
And we're standing side by side
As your shadow crosses mine
[Chorus: Rihanna]
We found love in a hopeless place
We found love in a hopeless place
We found love in a hopeless place
We found love in a hopeless place
[Instrumental Drop]
[Chorus: Rihanna]
We found love in a hopeless place
We found love in a hopeless place
We found love in a hopeless place
We found love in a hopeless place