I must have made the mistake of thinking you would be my last resort. That you would put an end to my wandering emotions.
I thought of giving you this chance and perhaps getting over the fear of not being able to love a person.
I wanted to put my heart to this test and give it the chance.
I wanted to let down my fears and finally open up to someone.
I was willing to let my emotions break loose and nourish it till it grows.
Yes, I wanted to do this for you cause I felt I was being too hard on myself, too hard on love.
I was afraid I might never be able to truly love if my attitude of drifted emotions keeps taking it turns.
Inability to love a person or take a liking to them for very long.
I was afraid of myself and what would become of me.

I had the consolation I needed from the scripture not to awake love if not ready. And my mind telling me I haven't found the one and so I shouldn't blame myself for not being able to love or give it after meeting so many who have expressed themselves and assured me they would be their best if only I give them the chance.
I joked about it, and laugh them off but deep down I knew I couldn't give them all the love they truly wanted or deserved, so I let them go so as not to hurt them in the long run.

And then you came along, no! You didn't sweep me off my feet.
You neither gave me butterflies in my stomach. You were just being yourself, open and straightforward.
You stated your intentions with no fears and gave me reasons to believe why you first left.
I warned you about your intentions, yet you didn't take heed.
I warned you about starting a thing you couldn't keep up with, oh well, maybe you thought I was kidding all along.
You stood your ground even when I tried chasing you away with my nonchalant attitude.
You chose to hang around and do your thing while letting me tilt to your tunes.
And slowly I started humming to it. I became conscious of your presence and yearned for more.
But what did I get in return? A warning, a red sign not to cross the boundary.

I was left pondering and wondering if I asked for too much. If I acted faster than I should have or if my emotions had gotten the best of me. But then I realized I didn't do any of those. I wasn't asking for too much and didn't act too fast. I just wanted to be sure you are what I truly wanted for myself.
I thought you would be my favorite song only to find an unmatched tune.
I wasn't sure if to continue listening to it or switch to another song. I only know I was willing to save a heart next to the tune that kept me up in the night and put me on my knees.
I was willing to save you a spot and let you fill the hollow, but here I am taking up my defenses again.
You were gonna be my favorite tune but then I realize how much I love music to let you take up my entire album.

^Image

                30 July 2022
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                 Saturday