This past month I was hit with an impasse and had some discussions with friends and family that I really didn't want to have, you know, the hard kind where I actually had to take responsibility for my own sh1t, and it has literally been life saving. Thank you to those of you who have reached out to me.
I am taking a break from live performance for the foreseeable future, but certainly not forever.
My last show as MobeyDick, was an absolute personal disaster for me as I cried my way through our entire performance.
I hit rock bottom and then everything cascaded into a full on mental breakdown, culminating on me phoning around and sending emails to rehab/ healing center's that help starving musicians. Turns out there aren't any, just by the way.
I've been thinking of starting a non-profit, since my dad's passing that helps musicians, who are struggling, with a wide range of services like access to mental health resources and even providing a safe place to stay.
With the country's Government Mental Health system failing thousands of people every day, I found myself in a position where honestly just couldn't pick myself off the ground, or from the bottom of the well, to claw my way round in circles and inevitably be failed by them again, just like I've been failed with my knee issues. believe me. I know how hard it is to get help.
Depression is a gift I guess. Maybe it's a strange way to put it, but when things become unlivable, its clear that it's time to shift gears... into what may not be made clear immediately... until it suddenly is. The trick is to start somewhere. Even with something small like leaving the bedroom or brushing my hair.
I was personally retrenched in 2023 and have been unable to find permanent employment since: and aside from a stint with a complete narcissistic, psychopath of a boss who I worked for for a whopping grand total of two weeks out of a three month fixed term contract/ probation period before hiring a labour lawyer and walking tf out because f*ck me I was not going to work for another one in a row since.... Jesus, honestly if I look back, I've only had one or two really decent bosses or supervisors (so if you have one, hold onto them) over the last two decades. Anyway, so I decided there were way too many red flags for me to even stay in the same room as this Dr for a single day longer and toddled off on my merry way.
Little did I know what life had in store for me and how much harder life was going to get as grief really set in as there was very little else distracting me from my anger, pain and the aftermath of incredible losses that 2023 forced me to endure.
In just over a month in 2023,
- We lost Chai, our one year old cat, after being hit by a bus.
- My father passed away
- My sister ejected herself from my life
- my uncle passed away
- I was "retrenched" and lost my job with no notice
- I was diagnosed with a bone disorder that was deemed to be inoperable.
It was all, just too much.
It was (and still is) a lot.
I'm a lot further along the path of healing than I was, but last month was a stark reminder of what it would feel like to be stuck on a really bad day, but permanently.
Needless to say I became suicidal and was becoming a real burden to my family, and failing as a partner and a parent as my hurt took centre stage... over everything. It was almost as if I was helping life along with manifesting my own demise.
I've always found it very hard to let go of the past and heartache, which makes me a great songwriter, but not such a pleasant person to be around 100% of the time.
It seemed that my hurt attracted more hurt as I relived every heartbreak and betrayal I have experienced since I was a child and I just drowned myself in a puddle of tears and unhealthy and dangerous coping mechanisms (which was terrifying as I was planning my children's future without me and patting myself on the back for reaching a point where I'd be less of a burden to everyone in my life, while those closest to me -especially
Zak Ludick- were trying to hold me and all my grief up, which was an insurmountable task for any human being).
I haven't announced it, because I feel like I cursed myself last time and I wanted to give it a few days, but I HAVE found a great job, which is doing wonders for my self-esteem. I am still in the probation period and learning the ropes and being very wary of jumping the gun, but hopefully, this is a job I will find myself at for many, many years to come. It's flexible hours, so I can work half days or longer days depending on my work day and how I grow with the company and also allows me to take time out for myself, my family, my mental health and my music. And my new boss seems really genuinely lovely. With a low staff turnover and really good working conditions, the red flags are few, if any exist at all, but time will tell. Please say a prayer to the universe for me because this has literally been life altering for me.
My depression and physical pain were only exacerbated by my unemployment. GOD it's hard to find a job. The market is just flooded, so once again, if you have a good job, be thankful and hold on with as many hands as you have. The chance to make a living and slowly crawl and scrape my way back to a decent life where I can meaningfully financially contribute to my family, and I can watch us reach our dreams we've been putting off, has been huge.
I don't want to celebrate prematurely, but f*ck, it has been two years since I even had a "permanent" job, I think it's ok to say something now and give myself a pat on the back for the right stuff.
So, why is this post so important for my music and what does it have to do with me being an artist?
Well, my musical partner has had to watch my live performances go from full-steam to almost soulless, as I was completely distracted with hurts that were buried decades ago, new ones and pouring from an empty cup. All of which declined sharply in the last year.
Not wanting to leave him with the task of answering everyone's questions or setting straight assumptions, about me, I decided to make this announcement, after careful thought.
I have not given up on music. I have not given up on myself.
I have, however, decided to take a break from performing live until I really feel like I can give my audience what I receive from them. A careful symbiosis that I feel I have been taking advantage of. Right now, I'm just not in the right space for that. In the meanwhile, I will be writing, practicing and creating in my own time, with no pressure, but putting emphasis on the reason I started performing again, which was for the love of it. I lost sight of that. I will probably be posting some videos on my severely neglected YouTube channel and other social networks because singing and sharing music I love brings me joy. And I need it to feel alive.
I would like to thank my wonderful friends and family, especially my husband person
, my mother Merle Mobey and Jasper Dick for being there for me and having my back through everything.
I would also like to say sorry to every single person that I have projected my own pain onto. I am sorry for being overly emotional, angry, neglectful, selfish, overly nostalgic (but to the point of being stuck in the past) or basically crossing any boundaries with you that should not have been crossed.
If you are in my life, you are very special to me. Not everyone has stuck around for the "Series of Unfortunate Events," "Final Destination," or total train wreck that has been the story of my life.
Thank you to those of you who stuck around and especially those of you who had the "balls" to call me out on my own bullsh1t.
And to those of you who did not have the emotional bandwidth to deal with me, I love you too and I understand you pulling away. I am also going to need to set my own boundaries and be very selective about who I let into my personal space if I am going to move forward and avoid another episode, which I don't know if I will make it out of next time.
Jasper Dick has a number of upcoming performances. Please go and support him. As a seasoned and extremely talented musician, assure you you will walk away from each show with that warm, fuzzy, giddy glow that you should.
Hopefully, I will see you all again, back on stage with crazy hair dye and belting those high notes with the confidence and authenticity you deserve, soon.
Here's to healing and rediscovering who I am, what I've grown into, trying to understand who I want to be, figuring out what I want and how I'm going to get there.
Thank you for your love and support.
Claire xxx
#MentalHealthAwareness #selfcare #findingpeace #musician #music #grattitude #honesty #mileycyrus #UsedToBeYoung
