I can only imagine what so many people must think when they look at me. What are you doing miss Mobey, "trying" to be a midlife Rockstar? If overthinking were a superpower, I would have taken over the world by now, but it's not. So here I find myself. A 37 year old mom of 3. I am no magazine model. As far as some people are concerned I'm "beyond my prime." I get a hell of a lot of "Who do you think you are?" And "Sit down and keep quiet before you embarrass us or yourself."
But I also realise, that at the age of 37 and being a mom of 3, means there is actually no way I can give up. I don't have the luxury of quitting. I don't have the time left, and I've got these little people, my children, who are literally watching me work effing hard and making my dreams come true. And you know what? They are starting to truly believe that it can be the same for them too and if that isn't inspiration, I don't know what is.
Fievel Goes West - Dreams to Dream
I sang this in front of our whole school for our standard 5 (Grade 7) farewell. It remains, to this day, the most tearjerkingly inspirational song I have ever heard.
But I've noticed, as I've finally got a taste of what it feels like to live the life I've dreamed of, and do the things that scared the shit out of me my whole life, but ultimately bring me complete and utter joy, that there is simply no turning back now. No matter how loud the voices of doubt may be and whether they are external or voices of my own making. I have been set in motion and it is now perpetual. I will do this and breathe this and live this genuine life until I die, simply because I know what it was like to live without my dreams. And believe me. That's worse than any mean comment or negative thought.
Lauren Daigle - You Say
I pictured @ZakLudick in my mind when I sang along in the car. He truly is my rock and my inspiration. He really is the reason I keep dusting myself off and getting back up again. I am not incredibly religious, however, upon discovering that this was in fact a gospel song, I realized that I could not be where I am without some divine intervention. Thanks to my Deity is certainly in order. SpoilerAlert I will be covering this soon!
There are definitely ups and downs. Moments of severe self-doubt both in my sanity and my purpose as an artist (all artists think they're nuts. I think it comes with the territory) but I am genuinely certifiable. I have chronic anxiety and depression, which means getting up and dusting myself off after each fall, and each rejection, takes an indescribable amount of bravery and strength. Sometimes I don't have it. I've actually managed to find a way (thanks to my terrible disassociative coping mechanisms) to Jedi mind trick myself out of my anxiety and onto the stage or into finishing songs in time for deadlines.
My biggest enemy is 100% myself. I will pick apart every recording and every performance because "I wasn't perfect here" or, "look at that lump sticking out of my dress there," or "why did I look down there you can see my double chin...." the list is endless. But I've really had to realise that NO ONE goes out to watch an artist sing perfectly into a microphone with zero crowd interaction or emotion. I'm not saying that I don't endeavor to get better and better at what I do, but obsessing about being perfect is stopping me from being magical. And THAT. The magic. The humanity. The relatability. That. Is what makes art of any form valuable to us all. That's what grabs at our heartstrings. Whether or not I ever achieve "success" is up to the fates. But success can be measured in many ways. For me, if I am singing one of my original songs, and someone listening to me starts crying, or dancing, then for me? That is it. I've done it. THAT is success. and in thinking that way, I need to believe that I am already successful, and that success is more of a journey than a destination.
Of course, the other big thing is, no matter how much self-confidence you manage to muster up, it is impossible to do this alone. Which means you need to learn how to ask and to learn how to say YES. No matter what, every single collaboration, show, performance, recording or production I have been involved in has been completely invaluable. I have learned so much along the way from so many people. I want to say you should never say no to an opportunity, but this isn't true either. You must say yes to what resonates with you - but also be open to new experiences, people and genres. This way you open yourself up to so much self-discovery and growth. The bonus is, that as you grow, and you meet new people, you in turn get to impart what you've collected along the way to other artists. The gifts of sharing music and love are exponential.
Disappointment is part of the game. And I've also come to realise that it too, deserves it's own respect. Doors will close and close and close, but they will also open and open and open. You cannot possibly appreciate the open door unless you've had a few slammed in your face. You just can't pack up and live there and stare at the closed door. No, it's not always easy to get back on the horse, but I can tell you that I am damn grateful every time I do. Besides - think about it this way: its crazy and a little narcissistic actually, for anyone to think that they are DESIGNED to fail, like ya, sure, God or the Universe SPECIFICALLY picked YOU and said YOU above all people will not be allowed to succeed? no man. that's crazy. the truth is that perseverance is key.
The last two weeks have been tough. I was on quite a freaking awesome roll of great gigs and collaborations and shows falling onto my lap that I kind of feel like I was taking things for granted.
I really got a kick up the butt and a change in perspective that might actually help my stage fright.... as a side effect...
I entered the annual BarleyCorn songwriting competition, and I didn't make the top ten. I recorded it poorly and at the last minute, without backing. Being a pretty prestigious and long-running competition as well, I'm not sure I really mentally prepared myself for not getting through. The song I submitted was good, but also very personal and unfinished. I won't beat around the bush, man it hurt on the day that they announced the finalists, that I wasn't one of them.
Then, right after receiving the news, we had a crazy week at home of birthday parties, where I actually totally overdid it with catering and subsequently, we were all slammed with the flu, me, unfortunately, getting it the worst.
I was so sick I could not speak or swallow. Nevermind sing.
And I dove deep into that pit of wallowing despair.
Would I ever write another song? Should I just tell @Jasperdick I'm done now? I give up? Should I throw in the towel? Put my guitar down? Stop singing?
I got so sick that my only lifeline (so it seemed at the time) was ripped away from me. I was supposed to perform live with Jasper at Salt & Sage last week Saturday. It was supposed to be my opportunity to "get back on the horse" but I was so ill, @Jasperdick had to sing on his own (and he was brilliant, of course) and @ZakLudick went to support. I'm so grateful they did but my lord the FOMO was GODAWFUL.
@AimeLudick and @MerenLudick were out at parties and Zak was out of the house, so @MatthewWilliams and I, both sick as heck, spent four hours of loadshedding (incase you don't know about the electricity crisis in South Africa, we have power outages for several hours at a time) in the dark, watching Netflix on both PCs till they died and then on my phone. I burst into tears every time a photo came through from @ZakLudick who was standing in for me at the show that I couldn't be at.
It was beyond my control. I had to ride it out.
But what I took from it was, firstly, this evening was the longest amount of time I've spent with our youngest child in years and it was made possible by missing this event. I forgot how it felt to just cuddle him. Soon he will be too big to enjoy time with me like that. Sometimes blessings come in strange packaging and we need to be perceptive enough to appreciate that.
I also now think VERY differently about getting up on stage. Each show is a privilege. A blessing. An opportunity. But not an opportunity to be perfect. It's an opportunity to share and connect. And believe me, now that I know how it feels to be forced to stay at home, wild horses will not keep me away from our next show, Which is coming up on the 8th of October!
In the meanwhile, I stumbled upon yet another songwriters competition, which I flipping well entered anyway! It was a thing where they posted the beat/ backing track and invited vocalists
and songwriters to finish the track. It was posted two week ago though, and i literally had until 6pm tonight (Friday) to submit. I did it though, before the deadline, during loadshedding. I wrote the lyrics in 1.5 hours on Wednesday evening and recorded the vocals between coughs in two hours last night (Thursday). Flipping record time for me. Pretty astonishing, the realization of how much I procrastinate and what I can actually accomplish when a fire is lit under my butt!! So, despite the last competition being a disappointment, I did my best to learn from it and try again.
Besides. This one is almost even cooler. Simply by entering, I have exposed myself to an internationally acclaimed South African artist and his recording studio. So whether or not I get anywhere with the competition, he at least now knows who I am now. And THAT is pretty cool.
As my very wise @ZakLudick says, I've got to sing with my heart, but market with my head. My goal is not world fame, but my goal IS for as many people as possible to hear my original music and I believe if I carry on like this, relentlessly, I will eventually and accumulatively reach and touch the lives of others and they will, in turn, reach out and change my life too.
Lizzo its about damn time
Don't Ask For Permission To Be Great (Motivational Video - Lisa Nichols)
