First of all, the music:
This particular song means a lot to me.
Sometimes I get in my head and focus so much on the past that I think I lose touch with reality. Dissociation? Maybe.
Those heartbreaks and heartaches that were suffered had many parts for which I was also guilty of wrongdoing and missteps--it’s also my fault, and that’s a tough pill to swallow sometimes—especially when the person who hurt us definitely is also at fault—but not exclusively at fault. It just sucks.
This song has been with me since it came out. A lifetime of memories are wrapped up within it (and a myriad of other Blink songs), so making this remix was really meaningful and I had a great time working with it and constructing the parts around and within it.
Where have I been?
I talked a little bit about it yesterday...
Well, that’s a long story. I’ve been on a journey. When I was doing my podcast a couple of years ago, I jumped back to Hive for a bit and shared some of my story up to that point. I’ve always had such wonderful reception, caring, and feedback when I share these things here with you—thank you for that.
I’ll just come right out and say it—I need to talk. I need an outlet.
My 16-year-old cat died in December and I’m not okay.
I think I’m approaching some kind of midlife crisis.
I’m just…weird lately...well, I’m weird all the time—but even for me, I’m weird.
I’ve been holed up in my music lab making tunes since October.
Y’all, I literally prayed to the LORD for these songs and asked for them to come to me if they were meant to—and if they weren’t meant to happen, that I’d know because I’d not receive them.
...and I’ve been receiving them.
...almost faster than I can get them out of my head and recorded.
As those of you who have been around a long time and have been following me since the old days already know, I’ve been making electronic music for quite a few years, but it was never something I took too seriously. I mean, I’m known for playing acoustic guitar + stuff, so this isn’t the most natural-seeming transition for me—but what a lot of people don’t know (especially outside of the Hive ecosystem) is that I’ve been working toward a project like this for a long time. It has been an aspiration of mine, and I’m so excited to be making it happen.
...and I'm excited to do this on Hive. With all of you. You're my safe space, and I love and appreciate you for that. This is me at my most vulnerable.
There’s another post in the story of how this thing is coming together and the cool people I have working with me on the project, but to say that I am thankful is to be totally putting it mildly.
The flip side to all of this creative explosivity, however, is that I feel like my brain is falling apart. I don’t sleep anymore...I’m in many ways drowning in nostalgia, and I’ve never been one who dealt well with that kind of situation. So, here I am. Making music and feeling like I’m slipping into some kind of foreign and permanent state of crazy.
I don’t know what it means or how it is going to impact the rest of my life, but this purge is...something big. I don’t know if it’s good or bad, but it’s definitely big...and it’s incredibly difficult to be marching through.
Again, enter the gorgeous community here on Hive: you have always been so cool when I am pouring my heart out in copious (and sometimes cryptic) wordbarf.
¯\_ (ツ)_/¯
I think this album was supposed to be some kind of therapy for me, but I shouldn’t have done that, because—well, just like it’s not the best idea to have-the-kid-to-fix-the-relationship, I think this is the kid I was trying to have and the relationship I’m trying to fix is my relationship with my own brain and, to a certain extent, to my own sanity...and that’s a weird feeling.
Like I said, y’all, I’m in a weird place.
And for those who are interested, this tune was constructed entirely on an iPad using GarageBand for iPadOS. Everything but the vocal stem is played by me using an MAudio Keystation 61MKE MIDI controller keyboard and the onboard loops and instruments in GarageBand. This is one of the last mixes I did before I switched to Ableton just a couple of weeks ago.
Thank you for always being so awesome. I greatly appreciate your suggestions, upvotes, resteems, follows, and comments. The genuine creation, sharing, and constructive transparency in this community are what make it so special.
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Edited: Fixed summary + links