As someone who used to be so scared of losing friends, I never bothered for once to care if the anxiety of others were affecting me. In fact, while I was looking back over the years after seeing this #kiss, I realized something interesting. I compromised my peace of mind so many times for friends. I used to be that friend who would ask you not to worry while I inherit whatever problems you have with people and fight for you(I can’t believe I was so chaotic). But now, I’m in a very different place.
One technique I’ve been practicing a lot is mental detoxification. I hear a lot of things because I’m that friend everyone runs to for being very non judgmental. Previous years, I used to keep the issues people shared with me, pondered over them and would begin to see life very different. At a point, I even thought everything in life had to be complicated. Not anymore.
I am now very intentional about what I let into my mind and make sure to let go of everything right after the last conversation. During these listening times, I avoid being so deep into it just so I don’t feel like fighting their fights for them in the end. Although, it sometimes gets complicated especially when all they want to do is to rant. I make sure anything I am adding from myself is positive. This cancels all the negatives they brought to the table and nothing gets to me.
Another thing I’ve been practicing is not engaging in certain conversations at odd times. It could be when I’m going through delicate issues of my own, when I’m mourning a loved one or when things are not going as planned. During those black and white days, I make myself unavailable for people until I’m okay mentally to accommodate others, so that, no little additions from people would drain me. After all, I can’t be there for people when I’m mentally in a very bad place myself.
I also speak up when I feel whatever is going on is making me uncomfortable. There are times people can do or say a whole lot of things and unpack so much on you, leaving you confused and not knowing what to do. When I see things are going in that direction, I make sure the person is aware that I’m becoming uncomfortable. And of course, I let them know in a very polite way. Surprisingly, they never even feel bad and are very quick to apologize.
The ultimate thing I’ve been practicing is coming to terms with reality. Life won’t always be as rosy for everyone as I expect. And in as much as I hate to see people suffering, I’ve come to terms with the fact that I can’t help everyone, financially, mentally, physically and so on. I learned this the hard way after using my school fees to help someone during my university days. Now, I try my best to be there for people without taking on their burdens. And when I try to help, I make sure it’s not beyond my capacity.
Writing this made me appreciate how intentional I’ve become when it comes to drawing the lines. Even though it was hard to get here, I’m glad I’m no more concerned about who is going to leave me for wanting mental clarity. My intentionality has catapulted me to this good place I never even knew existed. And mostly importantly, I have learned that, the best place to support and cheer on without being hurt is in the stands, not on the field.
Images are mine