I’m sure I’ve said it before: I grew up in a family where giving, supporting each other, and being there for people were normal things. I remember how my brothers would come home with wounded birds, and we would nurse them till they got better. There were days I would share my snack with colleagues or give my food to street beggars because I felt they were hungrier than I was.
That was how I was brought up so it’s hard for me see someone struggling and just pass by. But for a while, there’s been this thing hanging around my neck which makes me feel obligated to help people even when I don’t have the means or just don’t feel like it. It’s even worse when it’s finance related. And as for why it is mostly financial, I can’t tell, but I know it is something that has been locked me up for a while.
Somewhere in January, an acquaintance of mine asked me for a huge sum of money with the promise that she was going to pay soon. After months of not saying anything, she paid half of the money and just ghosted me. On her birthday, I called her to tell her not to pay the rest of the money as her birthday gift, and she made it clear she was never even going to pay. And I don’t know if that call made her feel entitled to my financial assistance, but she came back asking for more.
Oh well, I supported her yet again, and she ghosted again for months. This time, I even tried reaching out to check up on her, and then I found out she had blocked me. She later unblocked me after months with an apology followed by a financial request, as usual. This time, I couldn’t help her because my finances were a mess and after she found out she wasn’t going to get the money, she asked me “what do you even do with your money”.
The statement changed something in me and I realized that at a point, I wasn’t even helping people because I wanted to. None of it was from my heart, and that was when I knew there was an error somewhere because it didn’t align with what I learned from childhood. So I had to do a lot of reflections and evaluations, which made me realize it was either I become mindful of giving or I start begging people for money myself.
For a while now, something I’ve been doing as a minimalist to save myself from drowning is budgeting. I create a column in my budget for giving. And most times the amount apportioned to that section is my time, energy, and a shoulder to cry on, not cash. Even with that, I make sure to tap out when I feel like it’s becoming overwhelming.
I have also set up a lot of boundaries and made sure not to let anyone disrespect me or manipulate me into doing anything I don’t want to. And most importantly, I make sure to say no when someone’s request, whether financially, emotionally, or physically, is going to inconvenience me in any way.
At first it was very hard to tell someone, I’m sorry, I can’t give you this money, because I felt like, “Oh, what are they going to do?” “How are they going to survive?” But then I had to remind myself that I am also just a young lady trying to build my life. And I know one day I’ll be able to provide for more people, but for now, the only person I am obligated to and responsible for is me.
images are mine