I had a really quiet day yesterday (Wednesday), probably because it was the last day in July and there was a lot to reflect on. I was busy comparing my July expenses with the previous months when Facebook brought some pictures as memories, and for a moment, I got carried away as I stared at the picture of myself and my younger sibling at a time when we were trying really hard to pick the pieces of our lives together.
The picture Facebook reminded me of.
We were really happy kids in the early 2000s, filled with so much hope and energy, but the least expected thing happened in our lives, and the future took a new turn to a destination we weren't even sure of. As teenagers, we had to find our path with the support of our mom, which was quite challenging because she wasn't earning enough to take care of our needs, and it hurts a lot knowing that we have a someone who could take care of both our needs and wants with a snap of his fingers.
He made us a lot of promises since I and my siblings were big dreamers, but the unexpected twist changed everything. Many of those dreams didn't look like they would ever come to reality, and it made us bitter. We were angry and even hated being the offspring of a man who chose to neglect us.
At a point, we accepted the reality that he wouldn't be part of our lives and decided to forge forward without him. That decision wasn't the easiest because we had developed so much hate towards him, and somehow it was tearing us apart mentally.
While striving to move forward, I realized that I was carrying too much pain and it was dragging me back. Initially, I thought I was trying to channel the pain into motivation, but it was doing the opposite. There are moments when the thoughts of the disappointment I had in him strike my mind, and it would render me useless for days and weeks.
I couldn't just stop thinking about how much he would have done or what life would have looked like for me and my siblings if we weren't neglected. I thought I was the only one feeling that way until my immediate sibling spoke to me about how angry he becomes whenever he sees how his friends dads are helping their children make significant progress in life.
I felt heartbroken because I couldn't even be of help to him at that time. Unfortunately, we were stuck with the feeling until I was in my twenties when I realized that we were traveling through life with a bad emotional baggage that needed to be discarded, but how? Pretending he doesn't exist wasn't working because a part of me always reminded me of his existence.
For the very first time, I decided to speak to a librarian in my school who had mentioned a few things about minimalism during her lectures. We have shared moments talking about minimalist lifestyles, and that made us quite close. I felt safe pouring out my struggles to her since she understood me better from the minimalist perspective, and she emphasized a lot on letting go, decluttering, and others.
My journey with letting go started with reflecting on my progress in life, and it became clear that burying myself in hate for my dad blinded my mind to the great progress I have made without him which included going to the higher institution almost 6 years after completing high school, supporting my family, being a fatherly figure to my siblings and others.
I drafted out my accomplishments and felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders just by knowing that I was doing well to some extent even though I wanted more than those things in life.
I extended my reflection on my family, and it broke me emotionally to know that I didn't appreciate them well enough despite the support and love they showered on me. I was really unfair to them and myself, spending more time thinking about what hurt me instead of being more appreciative of those who stood by me throughout my darkest times.
It was a long process, but I was able to have a proper reflection on my journey before embracing reality and a minimalist approach to shedding off emotional baggage.
Cutting off my emotional triggers was the first thing I did. I disconnected completely from the source of my disrupted emotions, and that prevented me from going back often to those memories that fuel my hate. I had the habit of spying on my dad on different social media, which was my biggest trigger, so I stopped, and it helped a lot. There are times when I feel tempted; I just keep myself busy with other things until the urge to spy disappears.
I learned to appreciate myself and my family as I focused more on the present than everything that has happened in the past. We spent more quality time together whenever the opportunity came up, and slowly we became happier as a family. Things were so different, and I took every opportunity to educate my siblings about my practice of letting go of all my emotional baggage.
I thought everything was all over until I hit another dead end in my life during COVID 19. It was tough taking responsibility as usual for my family, and somehow I slipped back into struggling with my emotional baggage.
I didn't hesitate to speak to another beautiful mother I met on Hive, and after some discussion with her, I realized I wasn't done with my past. The hate I had for my dad was hidden and not completely gone like I thought.
I realized decluttering my emotional baggage was incomplete without forgiveness. I had to forgive him, which I did even though it didn't mean we had to start building any relationship anymore. After going through everything you read above, I was able to let go completely. It took a long time, but trusting the process was one of the best decisions I made. Today, I checked up on him without having to struggle with any emotions, and this is exactly what I wanted.
Emotional baggage can be a whole lot to declutter, but it's very possible if we trust the process and go through it wholeheartedly. There is a lot of good in letting go, but you can't realize it until you are completely free from carrying the weight of emotional baggage.
I am sorry this post ended a lengthy one and hope anyone struggling with any form of emotional baggage can learn one or two things from my journey. I wouldn't mind talking more about yours if you feel safe to share like I did.
Thanks for reading.
All Image Are Mine.