As a new mom, I found myself completely disconnected from the things I loved. My mind was cluttered with overwhelming thoughts, and depression consumed me. I wasn’t happy. I spent most of my time trying to be the perfect mom and a good wife, but the harder I tried, the further I felt from achieving it, very depressing!
I eventually realized that the more I pushed myself to meet society's standards of perfection, the more I lost my sense of self. I was functioning mechanically, while motherhood and family life were supposed to come naturally. But no one tells you this. Instead, you’re flooded with advice; what to do, what not to do and then you end up adopting other people’s rules. Before long, you’re rushing to meet expectations that don’t even align with who you are, which is very bad.
In the beginning stages of motherhood, I became overwhelmed. I slipped into depression without even realizing it. Nothing made me happy, and no one truly understood what I was going through, no one but myself. I disconnected from myself, my family, and the world around me, it happened so fast. I cried over everything and nothing at all. The pain from childbirth lingered, and each reminder of it seemed to trigger a deep sadness. I felt like I had lost my identity, my body had changed, my memory faded, and I started overeating to fill the void.
Breastfeeding was another challenge. The pain was excruciating, and I’d often cry while nursing. Yet, my baby would look into my eyes sometimes smiling, other times gazing at me as if he had so much to say. But I couldn’t connect with him because I was only bodily present.
I tried distracting myself by watching movies or imagining a getaway, but those things only gave me temporary relief. I wasn’t looking for distractions, I was yearning for reconnection: with myself, my baby, and my family. But how could I do that when my baby still needed me so much?
Eventually, I decided to stop following everyone else’s advice and started doing things my way. Yeah! you heard me right, my own way. To be truthful that shift made all the difference. I carved out time for myself and began rediscovering the things I loved which actually matter to me more. I was so intentional that I wrote it down and then followed it up everyday. I reconnected with my baby by being fully present listening to his gibberish sounds, having playful "conversations," and enjoying his responses. Every moment spent with him became fulfilling, it was recorded in our brain. We played, we laughed, and I found joy in teaching him simple things like crawling and walking, his excitement and willingness was everything to me
I also found solace in music. While my baby slept, I’d put on my headphones and listen to calming melodies. The rhythm helped me declutter my mind and brought me a sense of peace. I began meditating during those quiet moments, reconnecting with my inner self the part of me I had almost forgotten. She was there, encouraging me, reminding me of my strength. Sometimes I felt like crying to her, apologizing for neglecting her for so long, but she always reassured me.
Through this process, I realized that connection both with myself and my loved ones is what truly matters. By letting go of the pressure to meet other people’s expectations and embracing what works for me, I successfully found happiness again. Motherhood isn’t about perfection but rather it’s about presence, love, and meaningful connections. I always make time for both baby and hubby, and I make it worth it.