I've never actually contributed to The Minimalist community before, though I have followed them for some time. So hope I'm doing this right. Anyway, I chanced upon this week's topic, and it really resonated, as it ties to something that's been weighing on my mind a lot. Here goes.
The theme was Letting Go, Self-Improvement, and Self Reflection, more specifically relationships/lifestyle choices that are holding you back, being stuck, and how you become...well, unstuck.
Is there something that you are doing, or someone in your life that might be hindering your progress?
Not anymore, no, but there were. Mostly people.
As it happens, I'm very decisive about this sort of situation. Once I determine someone/something is no longer serving, I leave with no questions asked. Sometimes, I just take a break from a situation, community, or person, but more often than not, it's for good. And it's been on my mind, because I realize a lot of people aren't like this, and I wonder if I'm doing something wrong.
Several times, in my life, I've been in a relationship (both romantic and platonic) which I ended abruptly, with no looking back, no further contact, and no explanation. I'm told it's not a very nice thing to do, yet I've no doubt it was the right thing to do for me. Mainly, these were long, very close relationships that had, in time, turned toxic. To the point where I didn't feel any explanation was necessary. Or where I feared the other person might talk me into changing my mind, to my detriment.
Everyone says you shouldn't just 'ghost' people. And I do try for the most part to be honest, and explain the whys and hows. There are, however, situations where you couldn't explain, or where the people you're explaining to wouldn't let you just go. "I've decided I don't want you in my life anymore" is just as cruel whether or not you say it aloud.
I don't know. Are you allowed to take breaks from people? Or to cut ties when things turn bad? You should. You throw out fruit that's gone bad, why not people?
If not, what advice would you give to someone to break free from such an individual or circumstance?
Consider that people very rarely change.
Especially once a pattern in a relationship has been established. I have a good friend, a former psychologist, and I have this very vivid memory of a conversation we had. We were talking about a couple of acquaintances, and I asked her, well, can people change? And she (a supremely positive and nice person) simply said no. Unless they go through some major traumatic or eye-opening event that affects them personally, people most likely won't change. They may well love you, but changing behavior is damn hard. Which is why they won't, even if something is bothering you.
I'm always apprehensive when someone I know 'hopes things will change' in a relationship. They generally don't. And you, as the partner/friend/sibling, have to fight hard for that change. People don't just wake up one day and go "I'm a bit of a dick to so-and-so, I think I'll do a 180". In their own view of the world, people are rarely dicks.
Changing who you are, and who you resonate with is normal.
I think a lot of us stay in relationships/places out of habit, even when they no longer rhyme with who we've become. We're used to the faces and the names. It's the way things are, and it kinda feels like betrayal that you no longer find that connection.
Except change is normal. You should be changing, as you move through your life. And so should the people around you. If you find yourself no longer happy at 45 in the same relationship/place as when you were 30, it doesn't mean you're to blame. It just means you've changed, and now have different interests, values, hopes, etc.
A couple of years ago, I "broke up" with my best friend. We'd been very close for almost a decade, childhood friends, but in recent years, our interactions always left me feeling extremely drained, judged, and anxious. She was someone who felt the need to prove things, particularly her vast superiority. Finally, I decided I could no longer do that.
Life is short. You should be pursuing people and situations that make your soul sing.
You know the answer in your heart.
Gut feeling is often right. Your body knows when something is wrong long before you consciously acknowledge it. About a year ago, I became extremely, worryingly close to someone I've since cut out of my life. Very early in our acquaintance, I would get these horrible cramps, like my stomach was in a tight, suffocating knot. It was terrible. I also got very intense panic attacks. I felt very rattled, and anxious. It took my mind a lot longer to understand what my body knew almost instantly. That this was not a person I wanted to associate with.
Your body knows, so pay attention to how you're feeling around this person, and decide based on that. What you tell others also matters a lot. A friend of mine would often try to prove to me, in a way, that her boyfriend wasn't the asshole I generally regard him as. And I kept telling her, if I think he's an asshole, it's only through what you've told me of him. If you're relating your interactions to a third party, pay attention to what you're describing. If you keep telling your friends/family of all the ways in which someone is horrible, then that's what you think about them. You're just kidding yourself you don't.
Ultimately, you're not avoiding hurt, you're just multiplying it.
Mostly, I think we stay in unhelpful situations/relationships to avoid personal suffering. Leaving your parent's house would cause a rift, which is how so many people end up in their 40s, still living at home, extremely resentful, and often in co-dependent toxic relationships with their parents. Breaking up and looking for love would also hurt, so you stay in a relationship where you're undervalued, or perhaps abused. Starting over on a new continent, letting your job go, changing your diet -- none of these things are easy.
Yet by staying stuck in a place, it only looks like you're avoiding suffering temporarily. You could go through it now, be miserable for a month, then start moving closer toward who you're meant to be. To the person you wish you were.
Or you could avoid that miserable month, and be miserable another ten years, stuck in a place that won't let you grow and blossom.
Not growing hurts a lot more than breaking away, I think. And you're strong enough to break away.