Today
"I don't want to die alone in a Hospice." I ranted to a fellow traveller not too long ago.
How fucking embarrassing.
I've heard Hospice staff are amazing. Angels to the only humans who don't have the privilege or funds to afford private medical care in my country. I've heard it time and time again because I talk to everybody. About everything.
Yet my biggest fear was dying alone in a Hospice until just recently.
And, once again, this wasn't even my own voice echoing through my brain.
I'm into minimalism, humility, equality and respect, you see.
And freedom. Don't feed the fears. *stolen from the internet of amazing things.
"I don't want to die alone in a Hospice."
You may as well add, "Surrounded by the Great Unwashed" and "Let them eat cake."
How fucking embarrassing. #UnconsciousPrejudiceExists
This is not the way I want to walk in the world.
And this isn't who I choose to be in the world either. But, I guess, we all have moments when fear over-rides our common sense. No need to get all hit up about it.
Only human, after all.
Still... after some weeks of getting back onto my feet and, once again, having to walk through some stuff and overcoming yet another fear by doing so....
I've come to the conclusion that I'd be very fortunate to die in a Hospice, instead of some cold, grand, private hospital surrounded by people who don't really give a shit about me because it's all about the money.
More...
I'd rather die somewhere with folks who meet each other's gaze. In community and with empathy. Unlikely to happen in an expensive private hospital or surrounded by my very fearful, very proper once-were-people. Without prejudice... they mostly just aren't very able to deal with the big things in life.
Perhaps it's because they've been cushioned enough to never have to meet or deal with them in person. Kinda silly when we are all going to end up the same.
I couldn't, in fact, think of anything worse than pretending to be okay in my final hours.
Pretending to be okay to avoid embarrassing, or stressing, the fluffy white cupcakes in my society who, mostly, haven't had to accept that they too are only bones and flesh and blood...
messily mortal...
when everything they've bought to try and avoid this is totally stripped away.
No thanks. I'd rather die in a Hospice.
Surrounded by only humans who aren't afraid of being very only human. So that I can be only human too. And comfortably at peace with this in my final hours...
when I must accept in full that I am only human in full to level up gracefully. And peacefully. I want that, please. Fuck knows I've had enough time to figure out what I want when it's "game over" time.
Yes I want to level up at peace with myself and all those around me. With as few apologies to make as possible. And with as little regret as well.
Those final hours when all this "the stage is a world" shit that we waste our precious time on melts into the Great Unknown and I can dive willingly now back into The Void to say "Hey Ho, here we go again."
There's really nothing to be afraid of, you know.
But privilege makes you soft. And it makes you afraid.
And worse...
it makes you less present, less healthy and less alive than even drugs, alcohol and the expensive psychiatric meds, that the more privileged in my society depend on to get through their oh-so-very-busy-and-important days, do.
Always striving for more, more, more.
Always afraid we may have be less, less, less.
Yes. I've been embarrassed about this stupid comment for some time now.
And I'm sorry I said it.
Embarrassed and sorry both.
But this is a good thing.
Because this means I am awake!
This means I am growing again.
And this means I am learning and progressing again.
There is nothing to be embarrassed about when you miss something because of your personal bias, prejudice or privilege, you know. Or because of the pressure to conform with the social constructs around you.
So please don't be ashamed or embarrassed if this happens to you some day.
Or has happened to you in the past.
There's nothing to feel ashamed or embarrassed about if you "see" it and shift it.
In fact, you should be proud of yourself.
I'd be proud of you.
And I am proud of you!
I'm proud of all of us.
I'm proud of those of us who own our stuff and step up to change what doesn't fit with our principles and values. Who own what may have been our mistakes and who use our new awareness to better things. And maybe ourselves as well.
It's not often you find people who do this, by the way.
Hen's teeth, really.
Really, really.
And when I do find them, I stick with them forever.
No. There's nothing wrong with missing stuff because we're still dreaming a liddle bit. That's the being only human part. But there is something quite marvellously brilliant when you "find the others".
Magical even.
When you find the ones who startle and shake themselves awake. The ones who step back and then step forward again.
And then step up.
This is how we change the world, by the way. One moment at a time. So don't go back to sleep. And please... please...
shake me awake again if when I do!
Yep... it's bound to happen and the nature of being only human. p.s. You're it!
11 September 2023
Hi,
I've been referred to you by Dr [name removed] in [name removed] for a [procedure name removed]. Documents attached.
I'm trying to rebuild after a hectic life challenge and lost my medical aid in the storm. I would need to pay cash or pay off installments, please.
What is the least expensive way of doing this? And can I have a quote for the procedure in full, please.
I've had to use government services for the last while and am not fussy about using a government facility. It's more the time and inconvenience of waiting. And an overwhelmed system. Not ideal.
I think your email form on your website is broken, by the way. I had to find you here to contact you. No email address listed there. Your developer may want to look at that :)
Added for this post: Yes. I try to help everyone with their tech. Annoying, I know. But I really do mean to help!
With thanks,
Nicole
13 September 2023
Well I hope it's not cancer or I may die waiting for you to respond.
Added for this post: It's not a super high risk so don't get all dramatic. I'm feeling better these days though. Can you tell? 😈
How much is an appointment, please?
Kind regards,
Nicole
Followed by a slightly panicked response from the receptionist.
And then nothing further.
This is how private care works in my country and the second time a private doctor in the Overberg has been "too busy" to see me after they've been informed that I don't have medical insurance, by the way.
The first doctor took a patient in the area a few weeks after they said they couldn't help because they are fully booked until the end of 2023. Imagine that?! A doctor who is fully booked for six months.
What are the chances?
Slim, I reckon.
Or none, I reckon, since they took a patient a couple of weeks later, while I was pretty bottomed out and couldn't get to town to see a doctor because no car.
Did someone say Hippocratic Oath?"
p.s. The person I finally got a ride to town with to see a doctor and regain some ground physically said, "You mean "Hypocratic Oath".
Stolen and used as promised as I guffawed in the car - from "Pringle Assist". Find them if you're in the Overberg and need shit done. Because the conversation is also brilliant... if not the best part of the exchange! Feel free to DM me for their contact number.
Know what?
I really don't want to be around sleepyheads in my final hours anyway.
Thanks but no thanks. I'll take my lack of funds for private medical care - they don't want to be stuck with me and feel obliged to treat me if it is serious - elsewhere.
I began this part of my awakening in 2019 and I think I've fully integrated the "got it" now.
People before profit.
I'm unable to respect people who don't do this, these days. And I, thus, no longer feel like "it's me" when they (inevitably) judge and reject me. Logically I can't respect their opinions if I can't respect the way they walk in the world anyway.
I am free. Of other people's opinions
And I can tell you summink! When you really let this go, you're gonna be far happier in oh-so-many-ways.
The end.
Please don't feel all guilty and awkward if you have private medical care. I walked a long, hard road to become this broke/minimal, and this cocky, and it was gruelling!
Also... if you can't afford fancy private medical insurance you tend to step up and get your game on health wise. Seriously though... prevention is better than cure.
Disclaimer: Don't be a fucking sociopath, mmmkay? I mean don't worry about what other people think of you as long as you're not hurting yourself or others, or allowing others to hurt you or be hurt. ❤️
Had to disappear and sort some shit out
Sorted out, but still working on some of stuff.
I've documented the process to share the recovery / how to on Hive.
But slow and steady now...
, because the best way to travel is with music.
“Admit it. You aren’t like them. You’re not even close. You may occasionally dress yourself up as one of them, watch the same mindless television shows as they do, maybe even eat the same fast food sometimes. But it seems that the more you try to fit in, the more you feel like an outsider, watching the “normal people” as they go about their automatic existences. For every time you say club passwords like “Have a nice day” and “Weather’s awful today, eh?”, you yearn inside to say forbidden things like “Tell me something that makes you cry” or “What do you think deja vu is for?”. Face it, you even want to talk to that girl in the elevator. But what if that girl in the elevator (and the balding man who walks past your cubicle at work) are thinking the same thing? Who knows what you might learn from taking a chance on conversation with a stranger? Everyone carries a piece of the puzzle. Nobody comes into your life by mere coincidence. Trust your instincts. Do the unexpected. Find the others…”
― Timothy Leary
Stop being so fucking afraid.
Go on... call that person.
Forgive them.
Forgive yourself.
Say that I love you already.
Kick that awful habit. Send in that application. Risk being you.
And always, always get up and dance!
Hardened Dreamer
Mother
Peaceful Warrior
Determined Dancer
and Stargazer
still...
Beyond fear is freedom
And there is nothing to be afraid of.
To Life, with Love... and always for Truth!
Nicky Dee
All images are my own. Edited with GIMP.