I'm still focusing on non-judgment as the first practice to "know thyself" and shadow work as a crucial part of, if not the ultimate path to, full and authentic personal individuation.
And freedom.
Happy "Sunday Funday".
But I can't take credit for the title of this post. 😁
"Sunday Funday" is, traditionally, the last day of full weekend trance festivals in my hometown. Always listed on flyers as such. With a reduced entry fee for those who only want to come for the final full day blast of the weekend.
It was usually Sunday Funday because only the hardened trance "family" would be around for the afternoon sets. Although, often, the biggest international acts would play on the morning of the final day.
Sunday Funday
After a weekend of partying and socializing, and camping outdoors, the folks left remaining at the event would be connected and relaxed. Friendships would have been made, and blossomed, over the weekend. Around campfires. Accidentally met in lines at food stalls at odd hours of the early morning. During spontaneous dances at all hours on the dance floor.
There's something unique about attending a psychedelic trance event. I think because the party is focused on exploring the possibilities beyond the boundaries of normal society. And ourselves. During these events defenses crumble, judgement is suspended, stereotypes are discarded and there is a unity that is rarely experienced outside the gates in the "normal" world. A sense of unity and also that there's a something greater than only oneself.
The drugs often used during these events most certainly facilitate this. But once a person has experienced this "greater-than-only-my-Self", one can always reconnect with the philosophy and the feeling of something bigger and more cosmic, perhaps even godlike, than only the "I" or the "me".
Although I no longer need to use psychedelics to experience this (and haven't for many years now) this story is about a time that I was micro-dosing with Psilocybin (commonly known as magic mushrooms), to treat some low grade depression I had that I couldn't shake despite being sober for some years.
This was why I left the 12 Step program initially, by the way.
After multiple years in the 12 Step program I no longer believed I was diseased and having to call myself an addict at every meeting no longer rang true for me. I began to explore the whys of my addiction and met, at the same time, an individual who works with Iboga to treat trauma and addiction.
He suggested, after a session, that I do a full Iboga journey.
At the time, however, I was deep into meditation/prayer and yoga and felt that I was still gaining a lot of insight from these practices. I felt it wasn't the right time to do the journey. This did, however, raise my interest in new psychedelic therapies, using plant medicines, to treat addiction and trauma.
Needless to say, my sponsor in the 12 Step program considered this kind of treatment a relapse. Even though it is very uncommon for psychedelics to become an addiction.
I think that the experience on these substances is just too intense for a person to function normally on them, like they can do on alcohol and more common "street drugs". And psychedelics are not substances that "switch a person off" and so help them avoid their own reality. Which is generally the intention of people using alcohol and drugs.
Psychedelics force a person to see things with a perspective, and with a depth and clarity at times, that's far more difficult, or even impossible (for some), to do on other substances. Or even sober.
The doors of awareness I think Jim Morrison or somebody in that area of exploration called it. Probably Aldus Huxley, now that I think about it.
Psychedelics open these "doors" and move people through them very quickly.
Sometimes too quickly for them to be of benefit, I reckon.
In my experience.
A person doesn't usually integrate the massive amount of information that's "downloaded" so quickly. And it's usually forgotten and discarded after the experience anyway. Mostly.
I've had many incredible experiences on psychedelics and they were always my favorite way to explore and experience Psy-Trance events. Not for the faint of heart because they really do show one's "shadow self" very clearly at times. And a trance event is full of people doing and experiencing a similar thing. And everyone is reflecting back at each other.
Shadow work is frightening enough to do sober and in every day life without the mind-blowing additional stimuli at a psychedelic trance event.
I wouldn't recommend people head off onto big dance floors and take psychedelics unless they're ready and willing to see themselves very clearly.
In fact I've seen more than one person have a full psychotic break because they weren't ready for this at all at parties. And it was pretty frightening. I've also spoken to people who've been taken on psychedelic journeys, with guides who were not qualified to do such things, and were left traumatized for years.
Again, this is not something to mess with if a person has trauma and hasn't done enough digging down the rabbit hole sober to be ready for such things. Or without a trained professional to facilitate and support their exploration.
We all have trauma, by the way. In different amounts and forms. Even if we aren't aware of it yet.
They call it "The Shadow Self" for a reason. And it's not pretty or easy to see such things and oneself. All of the qualities that we repress because they aren't "good qualities" or are socially unacceptable. And hence "not allowed". Yet we all have them in different forms and manifestations as well.
And, if they're left repressed, they come out in different ways and hurt both ourselves and those around us. But mostly...
ourselves.
If you are, however, ready to be yourself, and accept yourself fully, or are curious to figure out who you may actually be...
these substances can be astounding to facilitate this. with proper guidance with a trauma informed professional
I used to think, at psychedelic trance events, that we walk around during our normal days wondering who we are. This question is amplified a hundred fold on a big psychedelic dance floor because it becomes very much a who are you? as those around you try to connect with you, while sharing the them that they are right at that moment.
You may find people approach you, if you're open to this on a dance floor (and sometimes when you aren't, which is the real challenge), to engage with you. Because almost everybody's inhibitions have been abandoned in the philosophy of psychedelic trance. Based on the old Rave Culture philosophy of P.L.U.R. (Peace, Love, Unity and Respect)
With judgement and social stereotyping left at the gate pretty much anything goes. People bring toys and offer gifts. They play and let loose. They get messy and loud. They let it all hang out.
If you've repressed a lot of your own impulses this can be very alarming indeed, believe it or not. Super uncomfortable. Or just plain fuckin' awkward. But if you're open and willing to engage, you may come to know yourself in ways that you'll probably never experience in an everyday environment.
And you'll do this in real time with people of all ages, with all sorts of philosophies and religions (yep... all of 'em) and from all walks of life!
It can be a very exciting, fun way to explore the limits, boundaries and possibilities of what it is to be a Being Human, human being.
In an ideally non-judgemental social environment.
Experientially.
Imagine. If only we could simply do this all of the time, huh?! And the only thing that stops us is Fear...
Again. It is not necessary to use alcohol and drugs to achieve this!
I'm only sharing this particular culture with you because it's an extremely visual example of the possibilities...
if we simply practical radical tolerance, acceptance and non-judgement in our daily lives.
Both towards ourselves and others.
For the next while I'm going to be sharing more about my own personal experiences with the practice of non-judgement and my own shadow.
I've found that stories usually share and illustrate information best and I've shared enough theory and information for now, I think. I've chosen these two topics because, ultimately, over the many years I've sought for answers and freedom, that these two things alone would've provided me with both a lot faster.
So, after this rather long introduction, here's another short story about an experience on a psychedelic trance dance floor, on "magic mushrooms", on a Sunday Funday.
The most popular day of the party, listed as "Sunday Funday" on every psychedelic trance flyer in my home town, since as far back as I can remember. Mentioned blithely in a comment to 
Although I suspect it was my big brother.
Because he's rather brilliant at coming up with clever marketing concepts. And he was, despite "The Trance Tribe's" sudden amnesia, the first person in the Western Cape, and possibly South Africa, to play Psychedelic Trance on a big dance floor.
But that's another story.
Oh f*** I took too much
"I took too much and now I'm tripping balls," I think to myself.
I'd been sober for some years and the dance floor was pumping. I was a bit alarmed at the now obvious buzz. I felt embarrassed, guilty and awkward. Ashamed someone might see me and see how fucked I was. And scared of the judgement and possible consequences.
Of being "found out".
The most bizarre thing about being on a dance floor is that your energy somehow gets absorbed by the people around you and they react to it accordingly in real time. The same as in everyday life, really, only far more obviously.
People began to turn away and move away from me as I fought with myself internally.
It wasn't like I was doing anything specific. I just felt really uncomfortable and super awkward in my own skin. But I didn't even realise this was what was happening at the time. I only found that I couldn't find the "right" place to dance because I found myself surrounded by annoying people in whatever area I moved to on the dancefloor.
I was trying to find a comfortable space to dance and was totally unaware that my dis-ease was completely internal.
As it always is.
I could barely make eye contact with anyone in any spaces that I moved to.
I was avoiding it, in fact. I couldn't feel the music either. I found myself not liking the people around me. It was them. They were too brash; trying too hard; too loud; too high; too weird; not real trance "family"; not really into trance. Clubbers.
"I don't want to dance with them anyway." I thought.
I'd been around since this all began. "How dare they judge me?" I thought, as I moved to the next place when they turned away or ignored me again and again. "I'm standing my ground." I thought angrily. "Fuck them."
Within a few minutes, at each space I moved to, there was a wide enough space around me for there to be a small circle while the rest of the dance floor ignored me and merrily got on with having fun together.
I eventually gave up and walked off the dance floor to stand under a tree around the back of some scaffolding to smoke a cigarette.
I paced up and down, my thoughts grimly racing, while I smoked.
I, suddenly, became awkwardly aware I was doing this and stopped to look up around myself, now feeling embarrassed and wondering whether anybody had seen me. This wasn't necessary though. Because, fortunately for me...
somebody had seen me.
Clearly I looked uncomfortable because a festival trader who I'd seen at parties on and off throughout the years, full on trance and dressed all in leather global-traveler-style, was watching me from the sidelines. Dancing at the back so he could keep an eye on his stall, I guess.
He was cute and I'd greeted him on and off for years. I knew he'd also been interested in me for some years. An Israeli boy who followed the festival circuit, and its endless summer, internationally. Something I'd wanted to do before I became a mom and a responsible day job seemed the more responsible choice. The traveling and trading, that is. Not the boy. We'd never said more than a passing hello.
I reckon it was because he'd been living the scene for many years that he knew what my problem was that day. He came to dance, nearby me, about two meters away. Without interfering but with just enough eye contact to not be intimidating...
to let me know he was there.
No conversation necessary. No rushing up to see if he could help. Just respectful acknowledgement and support from a fellow traveler who'd also been in the psychedelic scene for many years...
and had clearly searched for, and seen, some things himself.
Within a few minutes, after I put that cigarette out, I began to shuffle slowly from one foot to the other.
And within a few more minutes I began to dance. I could see him smile to himself, as he casually continued to dance nearby, and gradually I began to hear the music again. It was then that it suddenly "came to me" as clear as the morning sunlight we were dancing in. Together apart.
My judgment of the people around me had been only my judgement of myself.
This is exactly how judgement works.
We project our own guilt and Shadow-Self onto those around us...
in order to avoid, and to try and protect, ourselves.
Please see denial and projection in prior post
But, on that day on that dance floor, it was made very clear to me that this is exactly how judgement works experientially.
Because, with some gentle validation and acceptance from somebody nearby who I barely knew, when I let go of my own fear of being so "high" (and my consequent judgement of myself), I was able to be back in the moment and feel more than okay with being me.
My initial fear and guilt may have been all those years in the 12 Step program. Accepting other people's experiences as "true" instead of my own. And of being told that using these substances was absolutely a relapse. And perhaps for some people it is.
I had a thought as soon as the mushrooms kicked in, you see. "They say in the 12 Step program that if you relapse you'll have a body full of drugs and alcohol but a head full of the 12th steps."
And it was like that.
Only...
my personal philosophy is that some psychedelics can be very beneficial for recovery and can, in fact, be medicines. Professional treatment and treatment professionals only, please
But it was the fear of other people's judgement, and accepting their fear and judgement as valid and my beliefs as "wrong", that sent me into a bad trip that day.
That was all me and my own perception.
Of myself.
We can continue to project our own fears and mistakes onto the people around us, and blame them as much as we like, but the only thing this actually does in the end is isolate us and make us feel less okay with ourselves.
Every social experience is mostly about personal projection.
It's how we understand and use this knowledge that makes all of the difference to ourselves and those around us.
So take it easy on yourself, please...
because then you'll take it easier on myself! 😊 ❤️
And I sure could do with a bit of that 'round about now.
How about you?
This is also why I say people should keep a distance from people who aren't accountable, by the way. They'll project their own stuff on to people, slander, gossip and do all sorts of not so nice things to deny and protect themselves unconsciously.
This is how the "Shadow" works. Best we get to know it if we truly want to progress in our personal and social evolution then, huh? Without judging it or it'll only hide in shame again. Not good for personal growth.
With this in mind I'd suggest, if a person can't be bothered with non-judgement because it's still too far down the rabbit hole for them to dig, that they simply begin with not gossiping about others.
This is the first step (and such a beautifully liberating practice)...
to the first step of non-judgement.
And I personally take the philosophy beyond the entry gate and onwards after the party is over.
Yeah... they used to be that much fun!
P.S. I'm going to be talking about "conscience" soon as well (maybe), because a clear conscience is really important for personal growth and peace of mind. Which really impacts relationships as well. I say maybe because I may just write another book and get this out all in one go. The jury is still out...
Eternal Seeker
Hardened Dreamer
Mother
Peaceful Warrior
Determined Dancer
and Stargazer
still...
Beyond fear is freedom
And there is nothing to be afraid of.
To Life, with Love... and always for Truth!
Nicky Dee
Featured image my own shadow 😊. Taken by me on the steps this morning while I thought about all this "stuff".