When she called and said these words to me, "I am genuinely happy for her, but I think I am jealous, and I do not know what to do," I was lost for words to say or what to do. I had never really thought about jealousy from my own perspective, let alone helping someone else over theirs. It was my friend, and I knew I had to do something soon enough, and then I plunged into deep reflections on myself.
Preaching to someone and not being a doer of your own word is inauthencity to me. To give genuine words of comfort and advice, it has to come from a place of honest introspection and without bias. To find the best ways to have the right conversation with my friend, I had to ask myself a very important question: "How would I navigate this feeling and let go of the pain of losing an opportunity if I was in this exact situation?"
I had to "get back to her" and ponder.
I put the feeling of jealousy before me and examined what it really meant, what I understood about it, and how I generally respond to that feeling when it comes. Then I pulled up my dictionary to revisit its actual meaning.
Jealous: feeling or showing an envious resentment of someone or their achievements, possessions, or perceived advantages.
"Interesting!" I exclaimed as my eyes widen in realization of how to begin the discussion with my friend.
Knowing this friend of mine very well and having been through different situations together for years and having had deep conversations over and over, just as we were doing in this moment, I knew for sure that jealousy wasn't what she was feeling. The reality was that she was struggling to confront the loss of a potentially transformative job opportunity.
And every now and then, she was reminded of the benefits she was missing from someone else who had that job already. They were close, and my friend was genuinely happy for her, but it was an inexplicable feeling for her.
It could seem like a good idea to just ask the other person to tone it down a bit in talking about "the benefits" every now and then, but how then would she explain afterwards that it wasn't a display of jealousy? You can't control how people behave, but you can do something about how you respond. That made it an inside job. Her mindset.
You see, I had been in a situation where I had someone really close to me enjoy things that I wasn't able to at that time. We were really close, but the difference between us both was clear—to me, at least. I could have felt jealous, but I couldn't have it come between us. Instead, I thought to myself that it was only a glimpse of what I could experience if I also worked harder and kept steadfast.
She had to confront the feeling. And then I suggested to her that she inquire more about the job from the other person. Rather than just the benefits alone, like she had always only heard about, I advised that she learn the details of the job.
I asked her to learn about what tools the other person uses regularly and then the challenges of the job. All of that would give her a sense of the qualities and skills she has and those that she doesn't. When she figures out how she can improve herself, she could increase her chances of securing the next job opportunity.
For example, if the other person says that typing on the keyboard is a challenge because they aren't proficient at it, then it should be noted as a skill to learn as well. Or if the use of a foreign language is involved, it could be a good time to learn a new one or improve the one she's already learned.
And the cherry on the cake, I said to her, "If you can learn how to improve yourself by learning from this experience, you're setting yourself up to land way better deals that are coming in the future."
Like magic, she felt way, way better. She now understood what she was feeling and how to confront it. It was then easier to let go of the loss of that job opportunity and to look ahead to the better days ahead.
On the other hand, I learned something. The conversation was enlightening for me, and that's something about having such healthy conversations with people. Although I wasn't in the situation, I have now prepped myself for a time when I could feel the same way.
We win some and we lose some. And we learn.