For the first time in years, I really felt the consequences of wastefulness. It hit me like a moving train and I repeated to myself, “Never again, never again.”
We have just finished our first semester exams for our third year in school. Most of our senior year students and graduates always complain about the rigorous work that third year entails. They talk about how much it consumes one’s time, money, energy and sleep. It doesn't give you enough time to participate in other things that are supposed to take precedence in your life. It is the toughest year, most of them acknowledge.
When I heard about this from my senior coursemates, I figured that it couldn't be that hard. It couldn't be that tough. And even if it was, I could take it on. I started third year with eagerness. I was happy to be moving forward in my academics. But slowly, I started seeing the signs of the toughness 3rd year presented. We had all these big projects to work on for our continuous assessments. The continuous assessment is a huge part of a student’s grade and without it, a fail or a mark above fail is what is guaranteed.
These projects began to suck out my energy and finances that I didn't even have the urge to carry on with my hobbies or even my career life. I am always one to emphasize on the importance of writing and journaling. But somehow, even that became a chore in itself. It became worse when we started exams. This was my first written exams ever since I entered university. We had always written computer based exams which was all about picking out the right answers in a series of options. That had always worked for me.
I was so scared of this exams, that I found myself neglecting every other aspect of my life, social, work, emotional. I was more focused on studying and finding out the best academic hacks to acing written exams. During this period, I stopped journaling or even writing on my blog. I have always thought of journaling as a form of minimalism and not practicing it for a while had it's bitter effects. And this is where wastefulness started creeping in. With wastefulness came loss.
I think a lot. I always have these different thoughts flitting in my head. These thoughts helps to aid my creativity and inspiration. And I only achieve this through journaling. For the best stories I have written, it is because I journaled down the ideas that gave birth to them. Writing always help me acknowledge my thoughts, even the most porous ones. Writing my thoughts down aids me in being selective and conscious of what I think about. It enhances my understanding of a lot of things.
So, for the few weeks before, during and after the exams that I stopped journaling, I could feel my thoughts go to waste. I would have so many ideas for stories and articles but I never wrote them down. I would think about it, and in the next few hours, I wouldn't remember them. It's like the thoughts were never there. I feel like I lost a lot of good ideas during those weeks. It wasn't just that. I felt like I didn't understand myself and my thought process. I felt so weird, because I always used to write myself to understanding and since I wasn't doing that, I was confused. The saddest thing was that I couldn't bring myself to pick up my journal to write. I couldn't even get myself to write anything. It was like I was burnt out and too exhausted to start sorting my thoughts into written words.
This cost me a lot. I completed my exams, and I decided to pick up my journal again. But when I was faced with the blank page, I was at a loss of words to write. The art of writing had just escaped me somehow. For hours, I sat there looking at the page and not knowing what to write. Last year, I would have probably given up on trying to write there and then. But I kept facing that blank page everyday until I found something to write. It was a letter to Mr Green, a stranger who I somehow knew in a way. And that was how the walls broke down and I felt words tumbling out of my mind through my pen to my pages.
This period of my life taught me that journaling can't be put on hold. It's not something I can opt out of or push away for weeks, till i’m ready. I have to pick my pen up everyday and write, or else I risk wasting a lot of ideas. It taught me that even on the busiest days, I should write because it made me feel organized and like someone with purpose.
Thanks for reading.✨