Yesterday night, I had a mental breakdown, almost like a panic attack. It was so bad that I was in tears, hiccuping. I just wanted to scream and shout to the whole world but I held myself back. I wasn't the only human living in our home after all. So, I screamed into my pillow instead. And after what seemed like hours, I stopped and just laid there, staring at the ceiling. My mind went totally blank and all I could see was that white ceiling. No thoughts, nothing. It was like I had zoned out. And when I snapped back to reality, I felt this exhaustion overcome me and I drifted off to sleep.
When I woke up this morning, I realized that I still felt weary and somewhat physically ill. I made myself a herbal drink to ease the tightening I felt in my tummy and sat on my bed to ponder on what had led to that breakdown. My school ended the semester towards the end of January and we went on holidays. Of course, I and other students had been under a lot of strain physically and mentally due to the exams and the holidays were a much needed break for all of us to restore our minds and bodies to full health. Maybe that was the plan for other students, but it wasn't my plan. I had other plans for myself that required hardwork and a lot of mental effort. I had set a goal for myself (which is actually important to me) and my aim was to accomplish that goal before school resumed for second semester ( which is today). For me to accomplish that goal within that short period of time, I had to work under a lot of pressure daily. I thought I had it figured out and under control. Ha! Yesterday showed me that I was just a big joker.
Every single day since the holidays started, I fueled myself on adrenaline, hope, purpose and frustration. These kept me going at a pace faster than myself. For someone who has always emphasized on slow living, keeping a calm mind and having a strong knowledge about the limit of things a person can take on, I thought I had everything handled. While pushing myself harder than I had ever done, I also tried applying minimalist tenets to my life as well. It was like putting a predator and a prey in the same room. I failed woefully. Yesterday reminded me of that. I hadn't learnt from my past mistakes. I still made that mistake of stretching myself to the breaking point where my mind and my body couldn't take on anymore.
Yesterday, I reached the end of my energy and sank into despair. I analyzed how far I had come to accomplishing this goal and I had only come a short way. And school was resuming the next day. On a normal day, I would have shrugged it off and just be positive that there was still enough time to accomplish this goal even if school had resumed. But it was one tiny thing that made my thoughts spiral out of control. I was trying to post on my blog yesterday night and suddenly, my phone went blank for minutes. It wasn't the first time it was doing that but at that moment, it was now more than a slight annoyance. Funny how the smallest things break us when we are exhausted. That was where the breakdown began. That was the beginning of the tears. Suddenly, I was thinking negatively about how much I had failed in accomplishing my goal, how I had wasted so much time. I cried more because I knew that I wouldn't give up. I cried because knowing myself, I knew that I would still keep pushing towards that goal no matter what.
So, this morning, after my deep pondering, I knew I had to find a solution to ease my stress. I took my journal and started writing. I wrote my goal down and I analyzed it thoroughly. I realized that this goal I had set was something that I could actually take my time to accomplish. I had just been in a deep haste because I felt like I needed to do it before school resumed. I also realized that though I knew my goal, I hadn't outlined my objectives_ the baby steps towards that goal. I had thrown myself headfirst into it. I hadn't broken it down into small, manageable tasks. I hadn't even rewarded myself for anything. I had just worked my mind, body and soul into thorough exhaustion. Now, I was experiencing burnout. Not very smart of me, I must say. And quite hypocritical too.
Well, I have come to the conclusion that I need to tackle this goal in a smart way. I need to work smart, not hard. I need to mentally and physically pace myself. I need to reassess my capacity for pressure. I need to really know my limits. I need to be more deliberate and mindful of my approach towards that goal. I should allow myself small intermittent rewards as I progress slowly towards it. I need to let up a little, slow down a little. If I don't do these things, I realize that I might experience more breakdowns in the future and worse ones for that matter. I have made these conclusions, all i have to do is apply them in hopes that i find peace and calm on the path to this goal. For now, what i do know is that I’m only at the beginning.
Thanks for reading