One notion I used to maintain was that no human can truly be free. We are always bound to one thing, idea, principle, or human. In a way, that's what makes us human. But sometimes, the things we are bound to could be unhealthy for us. They could be the bane of our existence. Sometimes, we think that these things are good for us but when we take it to the extreme, they could be toxic and serve as clutter. It is a human’s dream to be like free spirits, untethered, not shackled by perceptions or expectations. It is my dream.
In my previous writings about minimalism and freedom, I have always written about trying to be free from people's expectations and judgement. But one thing I have realized is that even when people aren't judging me, I am doing a perfect job of judging and criticizing myself. I have this inner critic inside of me that's always assessing my work and not positively. It's there saying, “No, it's not enough.”, “No one will like what you write.”, “You're falling behind.”, “You're not doing things right”. I wrestle with self-doubt because of this. Writer’s sometimes call it The Imposter’s Syndrome. When I write, I often think that it's not original. I would always wonder that there's nothing I could write that haven’t been written before. This has put a cage around me. My creativity tap stopped flowing for a while. For a month, I found out that I couldn't write anything. It wasn't Writer's block. It was because I felt no need to write. And now that I have decided to pick the pen back up, I feel lost sometimes and like I'm pushing my way through thick mud.
I also always feel pressure to constantly prove myself to people. When you have been called smart or intelligent for most of your life, you can't be seen to not know something about everything. You can't be seen to fail. At school, it seems like it's the term “smart” that defines me. Most of the relationships I have fostered in school were based on the fact that I was intelligent and people needed to have a smart kid around them. It often leaves me wondering if they see any other quality in me asides being smart. I wonder if they would still be friends with me if I wasn't smart. In tests, assignments and exams, it feels like I have to work two times harder than others because I have to keep that tag of “smart”. And when I don't even meet up to my own expectations, it's a huge blow to my self esteem.
I don't even need to be asked to prove myself, the desire is innate. I often feel like whatever I have to do has to be perfect. Whenever I had a potential love interest, I often found myself reading up or researching on things I thought they would like. I wanted to familiarize myself with their interests because I wanted to be seen as an interesting girl who had good vibes and never let the conversation run dry. I often wonder if they do that for me. My writings, my academics, has to be worthy of praise. I realized for some time that I had stopped writing because I found pleasure in it. I now wrote because I wanted to be seen as an intellectual or as someone who has depth. I was always trying to make my writings seem more poetic, more raw because I wanted it to strike at other people's hearts. Someone once tagged my writing as “insufferable”. But a brilliant writer friend of mine once said, “People appreciate the simpler things in life, including writing. You should find pleasure in that.”I think there's wisdom in that. And I have been trying to apply this sentence to different aspects of my life
These are some of the things that has chained me. It is not going to be an easy feat to break these chains because my inner critic still resides in me and the pressure to prove myself bears down on me. But everyday, I strive not to succumb. I strive to just be. And maybe one day, I will break free.
Thanks for reading.
All images are mine.