Change has always been one of the most terrifying and thrilling experience in my human existence. I often resist it, but at the same time long for it and want to embrace it. One thing about change is that you have to let many things go for you to truly experience it and that's something we are most times afraid of. But deep down, we know that that's the only way we can move forward in life.
When I saw the prompt that asked us to reflect on what part of our lives is in dire need of transformation, I realized that for me, wasn’t something external. It wasn't my space or my possessions that was in need of it. It wasn’t even about my usual routines. After giving it a lot of thought, I realized that the area of my human experience that needs the most transformation right now is the way I view and express my identity.
For a while now, I’ve carried heavy mental clutter. Comparison is one of them. There is this thing about being in your twenties when you feel like you are not doing enough and the world is moving faster than you. Your friends are breaking limits and achieving a lot and you are just there, toiling through the drudgery. I feel this all the time. I noticed that I was always looking at how well others were doing but not how I was also doing my best. Like the famous saying goes, ‘comparison is the thief of joy’. When I compare myself with others, I often feel the need to accomplish more but along with it comes a lack of self worth.
I also realized that I always felt the constant urge to prove myself to people all the time. I measure my worth by how others perceive me; how I look or how I sound or what aesthetic I give. This kind of clutter is the type that takes up space in the quiet corners of my mind. It often kept me restless. I was always second-guessing myself, and endlessly chasing approval from people. And even when the approval came, I wouldn't accept it because I didn't want to believe it. During my internship, I met a lady and we easily became friends. She often used to compliment my looks by telling me I am pretty. But I never received her compliments wholeheartedly. I would jokingly tell her to stop lying to me. One day, she told me that I wasn't proud of how I looked, almost like I had low self esteem. And she was right. I have spent so much of my time looking at all the ways I didn't fit into the beauty standards that people set, that I stopped taking pride in my own beauty.
Minimalism has been a lens for me to reframe this. Minimalism doesn't only tell you to own fewer things or declutter your wardrobes. It teaches you to remove the things that doesn’t serve you so that what truly matters has room to breathe. And for me, the clutter I need to let go of is mental and emotional. I’ve realized that my identity doesn’t need layers upon layers of overthinking or comparison. My identity doesn’t have to be wrapped in the need to always prove myself or pressure myself to meet the standards set by others. The more I’ve tried to warp my identity to fit, the less I know myself.
So now, I’m learning to let go of the belief that I’m “not enough yet.” Let go of the fear of being overlooked. And to stop giving in to the urge to always compare myself to others. Instead, I’m learning to hold on to what feels important and that is my voice and my authenticity. To do this, I have been taking small but intentional steps. I learnt that to truly discover myself, I could always write about myself. I have a book where I write my likes, dislikes, goals to achieve, accomplishments and the things I am grateful for. At the end of each month, I read through it and I take note of the little changes in the way I think and even in my personality.
I am also learning how to celebrate progress over perfection. I remind myself of how much I have evolved from the girl I used to be. I'm more decisive, more outspoken and I have a lot of respect for myself and my boundaries. I find it easy to speak out about things that hurt me, how I want to be loved and how I want to be seen. I speak with intention and care, mindful that my words carry weight. Everyday, I see the testament of the progress I have made to become a better version of myself and I celebrate it.
Taking these little steps has felt like a reset. Like I gradually connecting with my true self. To be honest, the process is not neat or linear. Some days, I find myself relapsing all into old patterns. But the difference now is that I notice the lapses faster and I strive to fix it. Minimalism has helped me realize that the greatest transformation does not happen externally but internally. I can only change the world around me when the change starts from within.
Thanks for reading.
All images are mine.