Reluctance–the silent tug-of-war between what I know and what I dream of becoming.
I've been on an unprecedented academic rollercoaster the past few months and I hope someday I get the strength to talk about it in much detail. However, I always choose to see challenges as stepping stones and this is one attitude that keeps me going, even in striving times.
About two months ago, I was informed that I was going to be writing a professional exam that would determine whether or not I become a licensed and registered nurse. Right from the day I got this news, I knew no rest. My body briefly went into shock which was shortly accompanied by denial and then acceptance. I couldn't believe that I had to write an exam that took people a year or more to prepare for in under two months but I did. Guess who recently became a registered nurse? Me✨.
This simply means it all worked out in the end. The sleepless nights, the anxious heartbeats before dawn, the quiet prayers, the aching fear of missing the cut off mark and all the times I second-guessed myself all culminated in success and words can't describe how truly happy I am. Something that once seemed far from reach has been acquired.
However, being that I'm enrolled in a BNSc. Program, I have more degrees to bag. The thought of gathering all these degrees seems enticing but reluctance keeps clawing at me. Reluctance to read, attend lectures or even do anything related to my education.
Just this evening, our lecture schedule for tomorrow was released and my initial response was a blatant “I'm not attending”. Anyone who knows me knows I would never willingly decide to miss a lecture but at that moment, I considered that option. But of course, I'd be attending all my lectures tomorrow :)
A valid explanation for the unnerving reluctance could be because I totally stretched myself this past few months, while still maintaining a seemingly composed exterior. Be that as it may, the feeling is here and there's one thing I can do about it...
Rest
I spoke to my mom about how I was feeling and she said I needed to rest more and that's what I hope to do, all things being equal.
I've come to make peace with the fact that rest isn't just about the absence of activity. Instead, it is the intentional pause and mindful art of allowing my mind and body realign with what truly matters to me.
One can't stay completely without challenges but consciously and consistently pacing one's self is a way to allow for meaningful rest. This is the reason why I can still be at rest even when I attend lectures or even when I indulge in educational activities.
This has been the simple sensation I've felt in recent times.
This post was made in response to the #kiss prompt which can be found here.
Images belong to me, except stated otherwise.