When therapy becomes punishment

I've been putting off washing the dishes for two days. I forced myself to do them this morning because they couldn't just sit there to pile up and there's nobody else to do them but me.

Today I missed my dishwasher a great deal. Washing the dishes has become a catharsis window ... with my hands busy but not needing to actively apply a thought process to what I'm doing (being on autopilot essentially) - it leaves my mind idle to think. And think it does.

Some days there are eureka moments and other days, well certainly not anything worth jumping for joy over. Being under severe stress has left me with bad sleeping patterns and the inability of switching off my mind. Sleep deprived me is certainly not the best version of me. There is an underlying issue here that I was avoiding the dishes over. I have been well aware of it for some time and have been trying to rectify the situation, but I simply haven't done enough.

It is a heavy realization when you can clearly frame your own personal failure in your mind, acknowledge it and admit that it's of your own making. Take responsibility, have the inevitable break down and then somehow pick up the pieces (again) and move forward.

I won't assign blame to others for my own shortcomings - I should have done more.
I won't shift the responsibility onto others - I should have changed the course of action long before I did.
I need to be held accountable - by myself, for myself.

The remedial actions I put in place were insufficient to remedy the situation and I held out for too long - pushing too little for the situation to change - the effort was there, but there wasn't enough momentum to sustain it in the short period of time.

Two years ago a person remarked to me "the issue you had wasn't how hard you worked - it was that you didn't work smart" in relation to a job that I had done really well, put a lot of effort into and the client then refused to pay me for it. It was a huge blow to my confidence in what I do - I internalized it as a reflection of my work standard instead of looking at the bigger picture...I found out later that this particular person had screwed over multiple people in similar ways previously and had been moved out of her previous town as nobody wanted to work with or for her. Not my work ethic at fault here at all - her moral compass was non existant and she was just a hag taking advantage of people she considered "below" her - corporates slaves much anyone? Lessons were learned and I picked up my shattered confidence and tried again. I built it up by knowing and believing that I DO provide good services to my clients.

Again, in this particular instance my work ethic and dedication is not the weakness in the chain - my ability to break into a saturated market is being called into question and I KNOW that securing business by lowering your rates is not a sustainable way to do it, but when you are trying to get your foot in the proverbial door - something has to give.

So while washing the dishes this morning - something did give. Me. My tenacity to forge my own path and provide something to people at an affordable rate while offering friendly, relatable, professional and efficient service - well that has given way to the need to pack up wanting to be a self employed ass kicking ninja mom boss who gives a hand up to other small businesses - and find a 9-5 every day "JOB" and that SUCKS so much!

The saying "No good deed goes unpunished" came across me today and it sat on my chest making me feel like a yoked animal. Just yesterday I was chatting to my neighbour and her philosophy is "you're either the one that gets screwed or you're the one that does the screwing over" and that just didn't sit right with me. Surely that's not the way the world really works all the time?

I have not had a particularly easy path through my life. Sure, it probably could have been a lot worse, but it definitely could have been somewhat better. There have been a lot of challenges and a lot of moral dilemmas which I've faced as a professional as well as an every day human and for the most part, I've still managed to have been on Santa's nice list. I've done what was right and morally just - and it's been detrimental to my life every time, the only thing that it has been good for is my conscience. I have reported fraud and corruption, sat through interviews by forensic investigators, I've walked away from people that were guilty of heinous things, I've disarmed knife wielding poachers simply by being intimidating and commanding respect as a ranger - each of these instances have left ME trodden down and exhausted, the moral high ground sucks donkey balls by the way. And every time that you get punched in the gut, it becomes a little bit more difficult to stand up.

I was delighted a few days ago by the honesty of the BnB owner who let me know that Lory had left her toy at the accommodation and they were willing to send it to us. Faith in humankind restored.

I sent them money for a particular courier service (which I stipulated) to get the toy back to Lory. Get a notification this morning that they have used a much cheaper, far less reliable courier service which is also situated in not the best part of town - where we will have to collect the package. Hmmm so they make us go into a dodgy part of town and they get to keep 40% of the postage. Nice. Faith in humankind not restored. In fact, I'm a little bit more than simply annoyed by this!

It feels like there are many of us who are feeling a little bit battered and bruised by this kind of "stuff" lately. It's different from person to person and most days I can give it 24 hours to shake it off or work through it, then in the morning move on and keep on trucking. Some days that just doesn't work. Some days I put off washing the dishes for 48hrs on purpose. Some days something has got to give.

_{The picture is mine. Don't be a dick thief and steal it ok?}