We did not receive our rainbow; only another storm...
I did my absolute best. With the odds stacked against me, I trod on anyway. No help from medical professionals, my thyroid at the worst its ever been, a fourth pregnancy with HG (severe sickness) -- I persevered anyway.
And we made it pretty far! 🥲 We were almost halfway there!...
But, unfortunately, we were greeted with heartbreaking news: they could no longer find a heartbeat... We were supposed to be 18 weeks, and baby only measured in at 14. I have had our deceased baby inside of me for a few weeks...
I still have not even experienced the worst part yet: delivering our dead baby. Tomorrow I go to the hospital to take the abortion pill to induce labor. I have had a previous miscarriage at 9 weeks, but I haven't experienced anything like this. Our baby has been decomposing in my belly, and I don't think it's something I need to see... I don't want to see the baby, I don't want to hold it, or discover the gender, or take any pictures...
My husband explained it to me before I could even articulate my thoughts: "It isn't how I want to remember this baby."
And I agree. This baby had been a true miracle. A year of trying to conceive, without answers, answers we had to discover on our own. A subchorionic hemorrhage at 9 weeks, where I believed that we would re-live our worst nightmare. Pumped full of nausea medication at the hospital for the HG, only for nothing to work and for me to leave before our baby could be killed. My thyroid at its lowest levels, despite being a cause of miscarriage. Our baby was a true fighter! They really wanted to stay! 😅🥺
Even right now, they refuse to leave me! 😅 The body typically expels a miscarriage on its own after 2 weeks, but here we are!...
I feel so... cheated... To experience nonstop sickness, nonstop vomiting, day after day for almost 2 months straight -- and I don't even receive a living baby after enduring so much suffering... Begging doctors to take me seriously about my thyroid, only for it to be too little, too late...
There are times when I feel a complete sense of disconnect... Keeping busy has been really helpful, but the second it is quiet, it becomes unbearable, being left alone with my thoughts... Sometimes I feel like I'll never experience happiness again...
And yet, in the midst of this storm, I have somewhere found peace. Despite how tragic and traumatic this has been, I can feel God with me 💜 I know that He is here with us, He has given me tremendous strength, and I know that He will continue to guide us through this.
