I need to get it out. Sitting here, alone in the house. The house in which I found my brother in law dead today. I need to write about it. I feel empty, I didn't even cried yet. 52 is not an age to go. Nor is it that you knock as every Sunday, because Scholli showed up with cake and we all meet for coffee, but this time no answer. You don't think about it, you go down knock again. You don't think anything.
You don't think anything until your sisters sends Scholli and me a message asking if Maik is at home. My sisters boyfriend for almost 20 years! Then you see his bike in the basement, the car which with whom he should have been at my sisters place, in the front of the house. You don't think anything because he probably took his bike until you take the look. And then what? Scholli knocked again and walked in his apartment while I was in mine upstairs.
I only heard him call "Annnnnaaa" and I knew. I called 112 while walking downstairs, went into his apt and then you see what you don't want to see. Within minutes, felt like hours, the Er and police showed up. You don't think anything cause it is this freaking nightmare you are in and no it did not happen. It cannot be. Standing outside in the cold cause you don't wanna go inside again. Not even upstairs. Outside it feels more unreal. Shock is killing all emotions, which is good, which is why I type the words I type now. To remember? To tell you that for us the movie became real? To show you what it is like? I'm scared for the coming days. When reality hits.
Police asked a lot of questions. Sealed the apartment. His family lives 6 hours away. His dad has his 80sth next week, his niece birthday today.
You always think it happens only to others until it happens to you. When family is involved it is a big fuck up! It is a big fuck up and I wish for myself to find the strength to type words here. Words that those who take the burden to read may show ...I don't know. I don't think anything. I'm in the house pretending it is a normal Sunday.
Phase 1: Shock