I went up the hill to sit beside the trees and watch the sunset. The marshmallow pink and steel grey in the clouds slowly darkening. The golden orange ribbed fan spreading itself from the last lookout of the sun. Like glass.
This would be a nice place to come sit and cry I thought to myself; the wind trying to convince me otherwise.
Love and death - two very complicated things. I know the experience is different for everyone. I can only tell you what it's like for me.
As an Empath I experience other people's emotions when it is a little more intense than normal. Some people are easy to receive. Others, lucky for me, I do not receive easily or intensely. When I care about someone or someone cares about me, it is more intense. Proximity does not matter.
That is a rough summary of how it works.
This complicates love and relationships. Within a couple of hours and sometimes minutes after meeting I would know if I love someone I met. I have a clear picture of who this person is in my life when it comes to love. If you don't live it, its hard to understand. Sometimes I seem weird.
What I feel I manage easily. My wife stays my first priority. Even if I should feel something for someone, The rules are clear and easy to stick to.
Before I knew I am an Empath, It was a little more confusing. It's easy to believe you are in love with someone who fell in love with you if you don't understand. I carry the scars silently with regret.
That makes it so very complicated.
If I have to associate with someone who develops feelings for me, I know. I can tell you it is mostly impossible not to love someone who loves you. Knowing what is happening and deciding how to reacts helps.
There is one thing that breaks my heart every time.
It is knowing you are in someone's heart and feeling how you are slowly slipping out. How you are slowly fading out of a heart that truly loved you. The horror of my reality.
Love is never simple. Especially in my reality.
Death on the other hand should be final. The finality makes it just as hard to handle. Especially when it is someone close to you.
Family and the people you love feeds you a constant input. Luckily it is mostly low key and simply noise you could ignore. This however gives them a place in your mind. The occasional visitor would also have a place which would disappear when they leave. The place for those close to you never disappear.
You don't want it to. It creates a bit of an imbalance when they are not around to give all of that input. The space they took up in your mind and heart are still there though. Just empty space.
If you don't understand what happened, it feels as if you don't have the emotions you had for them anymore. You feel that you should be feeling more because the incoming emotion from that person are no longer there to ad to your emotion.
It is a strange emptiness that makes you feel incomplete and sometimes inadequate. My strange reality.
Thank you for reading my post. I hope somewhere in there you found some value. May your day be blessed and your times be awesome.